Thank you all.
I really don't think I am depressed, just angry at the injustice. My Mum and Dad did not deserve this.
You are right Hendy, I am grieving for my Mum - and feeling guilty because I wish she would die. I can only say that because it is what she would want and the person she was is no longer there. Mum has already died.
I am also grateful that Dad did not have to watch this, which makes me feel that I must be glad that he died, but I am not. I want to talk to him about this. He was a really good listener, advisor, friend and somehow always managed to find solutions. He called me "Mate". I want him to say "Hello Mate, How are things in your world".
Mum had a urinary infection in December and was admitted to hospital. The consultant said she needed an assessment for her AD. She was put in the most dreadful place anyone could imagine. They didn't care for her at all. Everyday when I went in she was so frightened and would have to be restrained when I left. They left her sitting in rooms on her own, half dressed, someone elses shoes on her feet, no glasses so that she couldn't see, which meant she couldn't eat. I watched staff being intolerant and cruel to other patients. I knew that if I complained it was Mum who would pay.
After 6 days I requested a meeting with the consultant. She brought 5 people with her, ward sister, social worker, I don't know who they all were. I was outnumbered. They said Mum was violent - not true - but she may have told them what she thought if she had been subject to their cruelty! I removed Mum. I knew that I could not care for her. She is in a BUPA nursing home (they would not have taken her if they had believed she was violent). So I am not her carer. It feels dreadful, because it makes me feel as if I don't care enough to be a carer.
Mum was about 65 when Dad and I first noticed a problem. She is now 75. She had always been the organiser but very gradually things started to become disorganised. She would become angry if anyone said anything, so we didn't. We would not tell her if she took the washing off the clothes line, and then put it all back in the washing machine. We would listen when she told us about a conversation with a neighbour for the third time.
I am now 54. I work. I ask someone in the office to do something and notice a look passing from one to another. Much like the look Dad and I used to have when Mum repeated herself. I am given an email showing that I had already made the request the day before. I have no memory of the email, and if I wasn't being presented with "evidence" I would swear that I had not sent it.
I drive home from work. I have 2 options regarding the route I take, depending on the traffic at a particular point. I often arrive home and am totally unable to recall the way I came, no matter how hard I try.
I do not want to go down the same route as Mum. Mum didn't either, but missed the point of no return. I do not want to spend any time I have left trying to identify when the time is right.
There must be some way of knowing when the time is right.
All this feels very self-indulgent. I guess I am just feeling guilty for not being Mums carer and letting my Dad down. Although I know Dad would not judge, and love me regardless,
Thanks again for your support, I know that I am feeling sorry for myself, I try not to.
remember me, or best forget