1. remember me

    remember me Registered User

    Feb 16, 2008
    10
    Hello,

    I am caring for my Mum who doesn't know who I am. My gran also died of it. My Dad died of lung cancer, horrid but preferable, need to smoke more...
     
  2. clarethebear

    clarethebear Registered User

    Oct 16, 2007
    197
    manchester, uk
    Hi remember me

    1) Welcome to TP
    2) Im sorry to hear of the passing of your gran and dad.
    3) Please give us more information and we will try and help you.

    Take Care
    Clare
     
  3. Cloudwatcher

    Cloudwatcher Registered User

    Nov 2, 2007
    33
    West Sussex
    Hello remember me,

    Between the devil and the deep blue sea! I have never experienced a loved one with cancer, thank the lord, however my mother does have AD. You have experienced both, which is very tragic. I understand your sentiment. Stay strong and focused on your mum for now. What will be will be.

    Lee x
     
  4. remember me

    remember me Registered User

    Feb 16, 2008
    10
    having spent the last hour reading the threads in this website I feel entirely selfish for feeling so sorry for myself...

    I have memory problems... there.. said it!

    My Mum is in the final stages of AD. She had been on Aricept for 4 years but it was withdrawn 6 mths ago because her consultant said it was no longer of any benefit. She has rapidly declined since then. She is in her own world. I am not in it. I have watched a very dignified, caring, independant and generous person disappear. She was the person that anyone any trouble would turn to for help and advice. She now tries to eat dominoes, defacates in the wardrobe, and if she had any choice, or the ability to make a choice, she would have gone with Dad.

    Dad died of lung cancer within 2 weeks of diagnosis even though his consultant told us that we had 6-9 months. Although it was the worst moment of my life when I saw his chest fall with the last breath, it has to be better than what is happening to Mum.

    My memory is failing. I recognise the signs. I am saying the same things that Mum did. I sometimes realise that I am repeating myself, but sometimes I don't, and get angry if someone points it out.

    My choice is cancer.

    remember me, or maybe not
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,892
    Kent
    I`m very sorry you are having to go through the same symptoms you have lived with, with your mother, and your grandmother.

    I understand what you are saying about cancer, but we don`t have the choice.

    Take care xx
     
  6. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Tell us a little more about YOU

    Hi Remember me
    Tell us about you.
    Please do not worry
    Help is here.
    Barb
     
  7. remember me

    remember me Registered User

    Feb 16, 2008
    10
    Many thanks for the kind words it is really good to communicate with people who understand my rubbish!

    Surely we do have a choice, as long as we make that choice before we are incapable of doing so. I guess it comes down to timing.

    I remember Mum saying on many occasions that she would take an overdose rather than live the life some of the people she cared for did. She is (was) an SRN and did her fair share of caring for people with Alzheimers.

    The key has to be recognising the moment when the declining quality of life is outweighed by the knowledge that it will only get worse, and the courage/cowardice required to make the decision.

    If I am aware of my situation, recognise the signs, have researched any possible solutions, and conclude that there is no hope, surely I am only reducing the pain of a protracted exit.

    I suspect that this is just a gloomy day and will feel better tomorrow

    remember me, or perhaps not
     
  8. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi remember me

    I've seen a web site elsewhere that lists 100 different causes of memory loss, and even that doesn't include depression, which in my personal experience caused at the least, memory blockage.

    Stress also contributes.

    I'm no expert but I see it this way:

    Forgetting things is a normal part of life. The brain works on a process of refreshing information. If you are told something once, you may or not remember it. If you are told a second, third time then it will stick better.

    If you 'know' something then get distracted by other things, you may need to get to 're-know' it.

    If you really have to concentrate on one thing for a period, then your recall of other things may suffer.

    In your situation, I'd be reviewing things much more generally before jumping to any conclusions.

    What sort of memory problems have you had? Can you give examples?
     
  9. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Hi remember me,

    I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.

    As Brucie says none of us on here are experts but we can hopefully offer you lots of support and encouragement.

    I must admit that my first thought was as Brucie says - that your memory loss just now could be caused by depression, grief and/or stress.

    Please don't underestimate the impact these ailments can have on you. When I had postnatal depression my memory was dreadful. At one point I was driving with my sister and she was going mad saying I was driving on the wrong side of the road - I pulled up and wouldn't have it until I saw other cars driving in the other direction.

    I assume from the little you've said that you're still caring for your mum so again I'm making the assumption that your memory problems must be starting much earlier than your mums?

    I suppose the only thing to do really is to get yourself off to the GP and talk to him/her.

    I hope you continue to post here at TP and let us help and support you through this difficult time no matter what the outcome.
     
  10. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Hello Remember me!
    Sorry things aren't good for you just now..
    As others have already said there are numerous reasons for forgetfulness..
    I find that caring for someone with AD is one of them..especially if you are feeling isolated..

    Doctors and nurses will tell you that when they first set out on their careers they see themselves with every disease imaginable..because they are living in a world of sickeness and ill health..
    It needs to be seen in perspective..not easy if you're living with it 24hrs a day..

    I think the advice to see your GP and confide your fears is good..and keep talking on TP..there's a wealth of support here

    Love Gigi x
     
  11. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Wise words from Gigi
    :)
     
  12. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    716
    Ashford, Kent
    Hi Remember Me

    Sorry you are feeling in such a bad place right now.

    I agree, you need to go to the GP, see if there are any other reasons for your memory.

    I know mine is shot to pieces at the moment, and I am sure it is the stress I am under, together with lack of sleep.

    I hope you are feeling a bit more positive soon.

    Beverley x
     
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Remember Me

    You sound thoroughly depressed, and I'm not surprised. You have lost your gran and your dad, and your mum is in the late stages of AD. It's more than anyone should have to cope with.

    I'm not surprised your memory is not very good just now, stress and depression have that effect on anyone.

    Of course, I'm not a doctor, and there may be more to it. That's why it's essential that you see your GP as soon as possible, to rule out other possibilities.

    In last night's posts you sounded as if you might be feeling suicidal. If that's the case, you have to tell your GP that too. He will be able to help you.

    And if you feel that bad again, please ring your local branch of Samaritans. No-one will tell you what to do, they'll simply listen, and let you talk out all your feelings.

    Remember me, there is always hope. You just have to reach out and grasp it.

    Please come back and tell us how you are.

    Love and hugs,
     
  14. hendy

    hendy Registered User

    Feb 20, 2008
    506
    West Yorkshire
    Remember me
    I am sorry for your loss. It is no wonder your a feeling so bad right now. Grieving for your father is one thing to deal with - but to have to care for mum with dementia is also another burden of grief. I feel like this about Dad often - after 5 years I have only really just realised what it is. Your loved one is physically there, but you are grieving for the person they once were and each part of their decline is like a little bit more of them dying. It is so difficult to cope with and depression, anxiety and memory loss are a natural reaction to these life events. Please talk to your GP - they really can offer help to you, as mine did.
    take care
    with kindest regards
    Hendy
     
  15. remember me

    remember me Registered User

    Feb 16, 2008
    10
    Thank you all.

    I really don't think I am depressed, just angry at the injustice. My Mum and Dad did not deserve this.

    You are right Hendy, I am grieving for my Mum - and feeling guilty because I wish she would die. I can only say that because it is what she would want and the person she was is no longer there. Mum has already died.

    I am also grateful that Dad did not have to watch this, which makes me feel that I must be glad that he died, but I am not. I want to talk to him about this. He was a really good listener, advisor, friend and somehow always managed to find solutions. He called me "Mate". I want him to say "Hello Mate, How are things in your world".

    Mum had a urinary infection in December and was admitted to hospital. The consultant said she needed an assessment for her AD. She was put in the most dreadful place anyone could imagine. They didn't care for her at all. Everyday when I went in she was so frightened and would have to be restrained when I left. They left her sitting in rooms on her own, half dressed, someone elses shoes on her feet, no glasses so that she couldn't see, which meant she couldn't eat. I watched staff being intolerant and cruel to other patients. I knew that if I complained it was Mum who would pay.

    After 6 days I requested a meeting with the consultant. She brought 5 people with her, ward sister, social worker, I don't know who they all were. I was outnumbered. They said Mum was violent - not true - but she may have told them what she thought if she had been subject to their cruelty! I removed Mum. I knew that I could not care for her. She is in a BUPA nursing home (they would not have taken her if they had believed she was violent). So I am not her carer. It feels dreadful, because it makes me feel as if I don't care enough to be a carer.

    Mum was about 65 when Dad and I first noticed a problem. She is now 75. She had always been the organiser but very gradually things started to become disorganised. She would become angry if anyone said anything, so we didn't. We would not tell her if she took the washing off the clothes line, and then put it all back in the washing machine. We would listen when she told us about a conversation with a neighbour for the third time.

    I am now 54. I work. I ask someone in the office to do something and notice a look passing from one to another. Much like the look Dad and I used to have when Mum repeated herself. I am given an email showing that I had already made the request the day before. I have no memory of the email, and if I wasn't being presented with "evidence" I would swear that I had not sent it.

    I drive home from work. I have 2 options regarding the route I take, depending on the traffic at a particular point. I often arrive home and am totally unable to recall the way I came, no matter how hard I try.

    I do not want to go down the same route as Mum. Mum didn't either, but missed the point of no return. I do not want to spend any time I have left trying to identify when the time is right.

    There must be some way of knowing when the time is right.

    All this feels very self-indulgent. I guess I am just feeling guilty for not being Mums carer and letting my Dad down. Although I know Dad would not judge, and love me regardless,

    Thanks again for your support, I know that I am feeling sorry for myself, I try not to.

    remember me, or best forget
     
  16. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    716
    Ashford, Kent
    Hi Remember Me

    Can I ask what you mean??

    Sorry, I'm either missing the point, jumping to a conclusion or being very dense.

    I do really feel for you. I recently lost my Mum, and in some ways I am glad she never lived to see the decline my Dad will eventually go through. Of course, I want her back, and I cry so many tears for her, but I think she has been spared by not having to see where this all ends up.

    Beverley x
     
  17. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    Can I just say: put out of your mind the idea that by not doing the hands on stuff you aren't a carer. It's not true and it's just another source of guilt. Secondly - have you spoken to your GP about your fears? It's sounds as if your mother's AD started around 65 - although earlyish it's not that early, and most of the genetic based AD is early onset. 54 would be early onset yet it is much more likely to be something else since your mother's AD was not early onset. So please, please get yourself checked out.
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,892
    Kent
    #18 Grannie G, Feb 23, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2008
    No, remember me, why should anyone want to forget you?

    This is what TP is for, for you to say it how it is, and say how you feel. You are allowed to be angry and self-indulgent and sorry for yourself. You have had a lot to put up with.

    But get rid of the guilt. We do what we can, to the best of our ability, at the time. It`s easy with hindsight to say `I wish` or `I regret`, but what`s the point? We don`t get the chance to go back, but we can learn from our experiences as we go forwards.

    But I`m afraid we have to draw the line at discussing suicide on this public Forum. Simply because in this country, as far as I know, it is illegal to discuss it openly. It could be seen as assisting.

    I do hope you are not going down the same road as your mother. I also hope you might get some support from TP.

    Take care xx
     
  19. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Hello Remember Me,

    We are the same age..

    I drive often..like you..I sometimes miss the turning for my mum's house..or think.."Hmm..how did I get here"

    The other night I phoned a friend who I'd promised to phone after Christmas..only to be told that I'd already phoned her..which worried me slightly, I'll admit.We joked about it..

    But I will also say that I am menopausal..
    And I am distracted by the fact I am caring for my husband
    And..ok..your mum is in a home and you are not caring in the same way..but you are grieving..and caring..and distracted by these things..and it's alright to feel this way..

    Can you take a break from work? See your GP? Talk to friends or family?

    Please remind yourself..you are not alone..there are so many of us here to talk to..

    Hope this helps..

    Love Gigi x
     
  20. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    716
    Ashford, Kent
    I thought that was what I was reading between the lines.

    Remember Me - I think, you need to seek some help/support and guidance to find out exactly what is wrong (if anything) with you.

    Things may well not be how they appear to you, and it would be a complete tragedy if you made a decision and were wrong!!

    Please try to be positive.

    Beverley x
     

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