In the past, if you don't clear out the council property in time(I think it is 6weeks) the council come along and put EVERYTHING in a skip and take it to the dump..(it happened to someone I knew)he lost everything of his fathers, photos, personal possessions etc etc....it may be different now, but this is what. used to happen...
Six weeks since mum went into CH and siblings want to clear house and rent it
- Thread starter SarahL
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In the past, if you don't clear out the council property in time(I think it is 6weeks) the council come along and put EVERYTHING in a skip and take it to the dump..(it happened to someone I knew)he lost everything of his fathers, photos, personal possessions etc etc....it may be different now, but this is what. used to happen...
I think under the circumstances and if you contact the Council concerned they will give you some leaway. Communication is the name of the game. If they are aware of your intentions then they will not send in the heavies (so to speak).
I just don't think they have any comprehension of what I have been dealing with for years (through choice) or the emotional attachment. Good point about if the caring had been left to them!! I am taking professional advice to go forward.
Absolutely cringe material with no insight at all - and trying to be clever together with a slight undercurrent of threat and blackmail. Sorry to hear that Sarby. I do want to laugh at my sisters but I feel fearful as I am so very alone. I have no other family, no partner and am a single mum to a teenager whilst also also at uni at the moment studying for a degree, so I feel a bit vulnerable. I keep reinforcing to myself that I've got this far and through the dark days, so I can do it. All your feedback on here is helping me. xx
SarahL
I will be thinking of you today. Head up , be proud of you and just give them as good as they give you in future. I can assure you it will be such a shock to them as probably they have it in their minds they can steer you quite easily in any direction that suits them. Oh boy I would love to be a fly on the wall when you advise them firmly of your plans as the Attorney be it by email or on the phone. No wonder your Mum made you her Attorney, she probably could see how the land lay.
What is the saying 'the worm that turned'. Bullies the pair of them. The one thing Bullies do not like it is their own medicine.
We are all behind you.
Thank you Pottingshed. It means such a lot to receive your positivity for me to be strong and stand firm. It is helping me believe in and challenge myself. At the ripe old age of 47 I'm slowly getting there
That said, I still haven't sent my email yet.I just don't think they have any comprehension of what I have been dealing with for years (through choice) or the emotional attachment. Good point about if the caring had been left to them!! I am taking professional advice to go forward.
I think the fact that you r vulnerable makes it feel a bit overwhelming...it is not easy when there r two or more ganging up...believe me, I have had personal experience. Stay strong...and if you don't feel like sending that email today...do it later...but I'm thinking that you will feel better once to have committed to take charge...good for you....
I can just see them "beeling" and frankly it makes me chuckle....maybe they will feel more inspired to spend some time with mom...who knows ????
Carole
I think the fact that you r vulnerable makes it feel a bit overwhelming...it is not easy when there r two or more ganging up...believe me, I have had personal experience. Stay strong...and if you don't feel like sending that email today...do it later...but I'm thinking that you will feel better once to have committed to take charge...good for you....
I can just see them "beeling" and frankly it makes me chuckle....maybe they will feel more inspired to spend some time with mom...who knows ????
Carole
Hi SarahL,
I just wanted to say a big thank you for sharing your situation and a big thank you to everyone who has replied to your post. It's been an education for me.
Like you, I have siblings but I have POA for my father who was diagnosed with mixed dementia 5 months ago. My Mam died 2 years ago. Fortunately for me, about 5 years ago I sat my parents down, gave them a good talking to and told them they were getting on and I didn't want to manage a crisis Fair play to my folks. Despite being in total denial about old age they sorted out the POA but refused to inform my siblings. They were quite adamant about this and asked me not to say anything, so I didnt. At the time I had a feeling that this would not go down well, only I had no idea quite how awful it would be when they found out. When I look back, they never showed the slightest bit of interest in our parents affairs after Mam died. Only when our dad started showing signs of confusion did the questions start. When I told them that our parents had all of their affairs in order they were quite astonished My eldest sibling told me that I was selfish and clearly had my eye on the money. (Our parents are not wealthy by any means). Eldest sibling nearly had a fit when on discovering that I had POA and wanted to know how I had obtained it! Second eldest sibling has accused me of all sorts too and screamed and shouted obscenities at me I accept that this is the way it is and I have felt sick with anxiety at the sheer weight of POA responsibility. However, dad is well looked after in his own home at this time and I am spending his money and our inheritance making sure that he is well cared for 24/7. I have receipts for everything.
Stay strong and ignore your siblings. They can go and live with mine and they can all be happily horrid for ever.
I just wanted to say a big thank you for sharing your situation and a big thank you to everyone who has replied to your post. It's been an education for me.
Like you, I have siblings but I have POA for my father who was diagnosed with mixed dementia 5 months ago. My Mam died 2 years ago. Fortunately for me, about 5 years ago I sat my parents down, gave them a good talking to and told them they were getting on and I didn't want to manage a crisis
Fair play to my folks. Despite being in total denial about old age they sorted out the POA but refused to inform my siblings. They were quite adamant about this and asked me not to say anything, so I didnt. At the time I had a feeling that this would not go down well, only I had no idea quite how awful it would be when they found out. When I look back, they never showed the slightest bit of interest in our parents affairs after Mam died. Only when our dad started showing signs of confusion did the questions start. When I told them that our parents had all of their affairs in order they were quite astonished My eldest sibling told me that I was selfish and clearly had my eye on the money. (Our parents are not wealthy by any means). Eldest sibling nearly had a fit when on discovering that I had POA and wanted to know how I had obtained it! Second eldest sibling has accused me of all sorts too and screamed and shouted obscenities at me I accept that this is the way it is and I have felt sick with anxiety at the sheer weight of POA responsibility. However, dad is well looked after in his own home at this time and I am spending his money and our inheritance making sure that he is well cared for 24/7. I have receipts for everything. Stay strong and ignore your siblings. They can go and live with mine and they can all be happily horrid for ever
.Hi SarahL,
I just wanted to say a big thank you for sharing your situation and a big thank you to everyone who has replied to your post. It's been an education for me.
Like you, I have siblings but I have POA for my father who was diagnosed with mixed dementia 5 months ago. My Mam died 2 years ago. Fortunately for me, about 5 years ago I sat my parents down, gave them a good talking to and told them they were getting on and I didn't want to manage a crisis
Stay strong and ignore your siblings. They can go and live with mine and they can all be happily horrid for ever
Hello Adcat, thank you for your message. I am the middle of three girls and I definitely think there's hierarchy issue where my older sister is concerned. However, both sisters left me to deal with hard times, the years I spent sorting everything out and, despite backing me up on the phone this past year at times, they never offered to come over and help, do the shopping, take pressure off me running two households (mine and Mum's) or to really understand the darkness and abuse. They chose to opt out and they chose to see what they wanted to see and believe. There was no united stance or team effort which is why it is really rather rich that my older sister has now penned an email saying 'we' need to get together and sort things out, in Mum's best interests....blah blah. Those best interests are in fact theirs and it's a a little bit late for 'we' now. My younger sister has agreed with older one and is setting plans for what 'we' will do, telling me she can do things because I'm so busy at uni. Too late I say. I was busy before and no help was forthcoming.
I am so sorry to hear you have been sick with anxiety and had to deal with nastiness and jealousy from your siblings. It sounds like you have been a great daughter to your parents and so sorry to hear your Mam has died now. I am really really pleased to hear your Dad is well looked after in the care home and that he can enjoy his life to the best quality possible, with your care and excellent management of your parents' money. What your eldest sibling was saying about you being selfish and having your eye on the money, was a direct reflection of his/her own thoughts. Judging you by his/her own immoral, skewed standards. We will come through this knowing we have done our best for our parents and with a respect for ourselves. Just need a good helping of inner strength along the way. Take care.x
SarahL, Glad to hear you feel better now, knowing we are all behind you on this!
Your sister's have probably been phoning each other discussing what to do, no doubt!
Don't waste time thinking about them. Let the legal team talk to them for you, if possible.
My Dad has had many disputes with his older brother over money and he had to get his lawyers to deal with him in the end. Both brother's inherited a property from an older unmarried brother so there was a lot of arguing over what to do.
I've just had to empty my Aunt's & Uncle's flat. It's a difficult time and I'm still coming to terms with losing my favourite Uncle. My Aunt has Alzheimer's. Her short term memory has gone and she is on strong medication to try and stop the paranoia/hallucinations,etc. She is still her old self apart from this and I worry that she is bored in the short term CH but fingers crossed we will find her a permanent CH that will supply her mind with activities to keep her safe and happy.
You are in a much stronger position to your sister's as you have your Mum's backing and that's all that matters. Stay strong and you'll be fine! Suzx
Your sister's have probably been phoning each other discussing what to do, no doubt!
Don't waste time thinking about them. Let the legal team talk to them for you, if possible.
My Dad has had many disputes with his older brother over money and he had to get his lawyers to deal with him in the end. Both brother's inherited a property from an older unmarried brother so there was a lot of arguing over what to do.
I've just had to empty my Aunt's & Uncle's flat. It's a difficult time and I'm still coming to terms with losing my favourite Uncle. My Aunt has Alzheimer's. Her short term memory has gone and she is on strong medication to try and stop the paranoia/hallucinations,etc. She is still her old self apart from this and I worry that she is bored in the short term CH but fingers crossed we will find her a permanent CH that will supply her mind with activities to keep her safe and happy.
You are in a much stronger position to your sister's as you have your Mum's backing and that's all that matters. Stay strong and you'll be fine! Suzx
Just read this entire thread and feel lucky to be an only child (in one sense).
I've often thought it would have been good to have a brother or sister for emotional support during tough times and help when I need it now with my mother and her sister who has dementia, but I can see how difficult it can be coping with siblings!
SarahL, perhaps you could suggest your sisters register with TP as they will need to understand your mum's condition in order to be able to act in her best interests as part of the team they are eager to join.
Then they can introduce themselves to us all and we can enlighten them a bit
I've often thought it would have been good to have a brother or sister for emotional support during tough times and help when I need it now with my mother and her sister who has dementia, but I can see how difficult it can be coping with siblings!
SarahL, perhaps you could suggest your sisters register with TP as they will need to understand your mum's condition in order to be able to act in her best interests as part of the team they are eager to join.
Then they can introduce themselves to us all and we can enlighten them a bit
Hi Sinkhole,
Let me tell you from experience, the grass is not greener on the other side! I have two siblings one male, one female. Both older than me and horrors! I pretend I am an only child just to cope with it all I have no communication with my male sibling and I am happier for it . Female sibling is another story. She manages to see dad a total of 6 hours per week divided over two evenings - shops are closed, I can do nothing of great value in this time. Out of badness I sent her a message asking if she could possibly give me any other assistance this week as I really need a break. I got a litany of excuses re her work commitments being non - negotiable bla bla bla . . . I also work full time but I don't matter in the sibling world! Never mind. I shall stay strong and survive. You can choose your friends . . .
Let me tell you from experience, the grass is not greener on the other side! I have two siblings one male, one female. Both older than me and horrors! I pretend I am an only child just to cope with it all
I have no communication with my male sibling and I am happier for it . Female sibling is another story. She manages to see dad a total of 6 hours per week divided over two evenings - shops are closed, I can do nothing of great value in this time. Out of badness I sent her a message asking if she could possibly give me any other assistance this week as I really need a break. I got a litany of excuses re her work commitments being non - negotiable bla bla bla . . . I also work full time but I don't matter in the sibling world! Never mind. I shall stay strong and survive. You can choose your friends . . .
Sinkhole I am an only child as well. After reading so many horror stories on here I am , most of the time , thankful I am an only child. Any major decisions I make though I do also run by my uncle , mum's brother, and my son . Not that I am required to, it just gives me a different perspective and for the most part just makes me feel better about the decisions I make for mum are in her best interest.
Absolutely agree. 'Retired' for practising unethically by the sound of it. 'Best interests' also seems to be open to very wide interpretation by siblings. I know I'm sounding confident now but underneath, in my situation, I'm feeling very wobbly anticipating what's ahead.
Hi MrsTerryN
My wife and myself are the only living children.
When our parents died we had some abuse. Some people were saying our parents estate should have gone to a charity as we were in our 50's and owned a reasonably good house.
Most of the inheritance in fact went to out 2 daughters who were in their early 20's when my wife's parents passed away.
People said the money would be wasted on drugs etc.
The money was put away until they each wanted to buy a house.
William
Williamr some people have odd ideas. I couldn't imagine why they would think that. Having said that my uncle was discussing with a mate of his explaining what I was doing and the friend asked if my uncle was on the will. My uncle was a bit surprised at the question.
He is the executor of the will but all the whole estate is left to me.
He is the executor of the will but all the whole estate is left to me.
Absolutely agree. 'Retired' for practising unethically by the sound of it. 'Best interests' also seems to be open to very wide interpretation by siblings. I know I'm sounding confident now but underneath, in my situation, I'm feeling very wobbly anticipating what's ahead.
It must be horrible to have this sort of acrimony within your family. But I do find it astonishing how many people seem to think that P of A gives you carte blanche to spend someone else's money, or dish it out to other people. Almost as if the person was dead and buried, and the will had gone through probate.
Maybe some prime time TV programme is called for, showing the dire consequences of deprivation of assets and vultures helping themselves. An EastEnders storyline might be good, methinks.
As a number of another responders have said this is quite common unfortunately .I would very much stick to your guns and make sure you do what you know to be right.if you're particularly worried about any property in the house it may well be worth taking a photo of it in case it disappears.I wish you all the very best thanks Paul
Hi MrsTerryN I am just wondering if it is wise having your uncle as the executor if you are the beneficiary if he is the same age as your mother. ( I hope I am correct ).
I do know of 2 situations where the spouse was the executor and the offspring was the executor if the spouse was not alive which was reasonable at the time the will was drawn up.
Sadly in both cases the one spouse died and the other got dementia so the offspring had to get permission of the court to act as executor.
That said age does not guarantee anything.
I was 62 when my step mother went in to care in 2014 and I was older than a few of the residents.
My father only passed away in 2009.
If you do not wish to respond that's fine or you could PM me.
William
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I agree, as another only child. It has been tough at times not to have the emotional support of siblings but that cannot be guaranteed, as you say. Some family members (by no means all) have been very good to me.
Yep you are right Williamr he is very similar in age. However here in Australia there is a legacy system whereby if he dies first his executor becomes mum's . Though the executor can decline and the court can appoint another executor who is usually the main beneficiary.
For mum assets wise there is likely to only be her nursing home bond to be returned after she passes. Most other assets will have been sorted as per mum's wishes earlier on.
