Six weeks since mum went into CH and siblings want to clear house and rent it

WILLIAMR

Account Closed
Apr 12, 2014
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Hi Sarah

I agree with Katrine, your sisters will criticize you, they are frustrated they have no control over what they see as theirs, thank goodness they don't! You are doing very well and you will get stronger daily, now that you no longer have the responsibility of daily care for your Mum, things will become clearer and you will feel stronger in your decision making, you are not going to do something that is irresponsible with your Mum's assets.

Reading your story brings back a lot of memories for me, we were unable to take time clearing property as my mother's was a council home so it had to be done quickly. I was not as strong as you and lots happened that I was given no input into by those who had no input into her care, it still hurts very deeply.

You hold the reins, do your best and give no thought to those who have no desire to help.
Take care
Sue:)

Hi Sue

What would have happened if you had not been in a position to clear your mother's council home straight away?.
I know somebody who lived about 200 miles from his parents and they died within days of each other.
The house was private. As it happened he was due to retire 2 months later. He could not get any time off work and could not do anything till he retired.

William
 

min88cat

Registered User
Apr 6, 2010
581
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Hi Sarah.

As others have said, don't be bullied into anything. Your Mum chose you to be her Attorney, for reasons that are obvious to me and others on here - you were the one she could trust!

Invisibles who crawl out of the woodwork at the first sniff of anything financial make my blood boil. I won't go into details here, but I have first hand experience of exactly that, along with all sorts of unimaginable, hurtful and downright slanderous accusations.

Don't forget to keep a paper trail of everything you do, receipts etc.

Stand tall, ignore them, and carry on the way you have always done, putting your Mum first.

Good luck!
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,032
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Hi Sue

What would have happened if you had not been in a position to clear your mother's council home straight away?.
I know somebody who lived about 200 miles from his parents and they died within days of each other.
The house was private. As it happened he was due to retire 2 months later. He could not get any time off work and could not do anything till he retired.

William

I don't know William, there was no TP then to come to for advice. The council wanted to charge to her estate, as she died not long after, rent for home and 2 nursing home places, which they wouldn't allow us to give up because no one would accept the reality of her decline which was very evident. I don't think I was thinking clearly at all as was too exhausted by then.
 

Solihull

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
97
0
West Midlands
Sarah, you have gone through the worst and your mum is safe. Now take a deep breath and remind yourself that as others have said, you are the one your mum has chosen to do the right thing. I am an only child so found the decisions very hard on my own but in some ways after reading different scenarios on here, I am glad. Anyway, one day at a time, you are in charge and it does get easier. My mum has been in care for 6 months, house in process of being sold and all her old "collectables" distributed to various causes. She has not once asked about the old house or any of her things and to be honest all that matters is the welfare of your mum. No one else understands what you have been through & it is now too late to "pull together", you have done it! It's just possessions now.
Good Luck
Sue
X
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,589
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Yorkshire
If your mum has savings/pensions which will fund her care until the house has to be sold or rented out , I really don't think you have a problem.

We cleared MIL's house pretty quickly to get it on the market but even then it took six months as the first sale fell through just as we were about to exchange contracts and we had to start again with fresh buyers, so you need to bear that in mind in terms of ensuring you have an adequate cash flow to cover the CH costs.

Over the next few weeks, you might like to start thinking about whether you sell or rent the property. We decided to sell, as the work involved in getting it up to rental standard was considerable, costly and none of us were willing to invest the time and energy required as we all lived some distance away. However, the house and garden will start to deteriorate over the coming months, as had been said before, so you will have to bite the bullet at some point.

Just remember, a house is just a shell where you store belongings, and belongings are just things you accumulate as you live your life. :)
 

Pottingshed50

Registered User
Apr 8, 2012
514
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I know this post has been going for a long time but would just like to add.

To the OP. Oh boy what a familiar story yours is. Our Mum is in residential care and we did not sell her house until she had been in care for 3 years. What is the rush for. Are they afraid she will make a full recovery and come back home. Strikes me all these do gooders in families are the same, never around when they are needed but the first to give their two penneth when it is not needed. If your Mum needs the money to pay for her care then if the money is not there it will just be taken from the sale of the house eventually when it is sold. I still dont agree that any old person should be selling their home for their care and I always will think the same but that is a different ball game.

I have POA and I do all Mum money through the Bank on line Banking, you have a receipt for everything you do, whether it is paying in ie Premium Bond winnings to paying out - care fees, clothing and other necessities of life. As for that lot going through her things, it makes me feel ill to think of it. Leave the poor souls belongings alone you horrible lot and let the OP get on with things in her time.

Dear me , sometimes I could swing for some people.
 

Navara

Registered User
Nov 30, 2012
181
0
I've found this a very depressing thread. I'm so blessed in that I have joint POA with my sister and brother and although my sister and I have done all the real work my brother who lives a long way away has never questioned a single decision we've made. I hope our mother would be very happy with how she and dad brought us up to behave.
 

SarahL

Registered User
Dec 1, 2012
229
0
I know this post has been going for a long time but would just like to add.

To the OP. Oh boy what a familiar story yours is. Our Mum is in residential care and we did not sell her house until she had been in care for 3 years. What is the rush for. Are they afraid she will make a full recovery and come back home. Strikes me all these do gooders in families are the same, never around when they are needed but the first to give their two penneth when it is not needed. If your Mum needs the money to pay for her care then if the money is not there it will just be taken from the sale of the house eventually when it is sold. I still dont agree that any old person should be selling their home for their care and I always will think the same but that is a different ball game.

I have POA and I do all Mum money through the Bank on line Banking, you have a receipt for everything you do, whether it is paying in ie Premium Bond winnings to paying out - care fees, clothing and other necessities of life. As for that lot going through her things, it makes me feel ill to think of it. Leave the poor souls belongings alone you horrible lot and let the OP get on with things in her time.

Dear me , sometimes I could swing for some people.

Thank you Pottingshed, it makes me cry to get good support on here. I don't think my sisters' rush is because they think Mum'll come back home (although wouldn't surprise me), I think they are thinking about renting the house out for income, so to boost up their inheritance in the long run. They have pound signs flashing in their eyes. Never have they wanted to act so fast in all the years Mum was ill and I was battling with everything. They have no consideration for Mum or my feelings or recognisition that I need time to try and recover. However due to yours and all the others' support on here, I am going to get strong and I will fight fire with fire if it comes to that. I've always been a people pleaser, avoiding confrontation, but I am stronger now and I am going to get empowered. I am going to arm myself with knowledge, legal and financial advice and I'm going to protect my Mum and myself. I hope your Mum is doing ok and well done for being a lovely carer yourself. I am so grateful for the input on here, I've cracked up many times with all the struggles. xx
 

SarahL

Registered User
Dec 1, 2012
229
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Just remember, a house is just a shell where you store belongings, and belongings are just things you accumulate as you live your life. :)[/QUOTE]


Thank you Chemmy and it is true. The house is but a shell and I have my relationship with my Mum to remember now. And also in the present time I am seeing glimpses of her laughing again with me which is wonderful after all the pain. Regarding her finances, she does indeed have enough money to fund her CH for a very long time yet, probably longer than her life left bless her, so there is no worry imminently to rent it out, as my sisters request. It is their greed to increase their inheritance that is the driver I believe. Not that I'm going to waste Mum's money, but I need time to think and 6/7 weeks is not enough time for me. I'm going to get legal and financial advice. Thanks again. x
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,589
0
Yorkshire
It is their greed to increase their inheritance that is the driver I believe. Not that I'm going to waste Mum's money, but I need time to think and 6/7 weeks is not enough time for me. x

There you go then. No need to rush whatsoever. If there are substantial funds, you might be better seeking professional financial advice anyway before you do anything. I know my OH was anxious to get the house sold before he had to start cashing in his mum's ISAs to pay for the CH fees. Old investments are generally getting a better rate of interest than newer ones, so you might need to take that into consideration too.

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.
 

SarahL

Registered User
Dec 1, 2012
229
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Dear Sarah. Accept that your sisters will criticise you if they want to. You cannot prevent them from being critical or negative. HOWEVER, you don't have to receive the criticism or respond to it. If, as you have said, you don't feel close to them, then their opinions are unimportant. They don't or won't understand what you've been through and that you are grieving.

I think you should face your fear, of being criticised, and say a big SO WHAT! Blow a raspberry at them. Play hard to get. Don't respond to emails, and screen your phone calls if you don't want them to contact you at the moment. If you're dreading the calls then it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you'll be adding to your stress.


Instead of feeling that you are hiding from them (child running away from bullies) tell yourself instead that you are making yourself unavailable because you don't need them trying to pressurised you. Find a silly name for them. It really helps make you feel more in control. So, for example, if one sister takes a bossy elder sister tone you could mentally call her Miss Bossy Boots, or The Salesman. The sister who 'needs to move on' could be The Happy Wanderer or Mimi (as in Me, Me, Me). Whatever works for you. Try it. Please share the names you come up with. :D

Remember you have sole POA. They have no right to get involved with your mum's house, possessions or finances. Tell the sister who needs to move on that she's very welcome to keep moving right on with her life without involving you or your mother.

I think they misunderstand the situation and think they are due some sort of shareout. They are due nothing, either morally or legally. Perhaps you need to write them a short letter explaining that you are taking professional advice on the best options for your mum's property. Ask them not to contact you as being chivvied to take action isn't helpful. Don't call me, I'll call you. ;)

Thank you Katrine and hooray for your response as it is right up my street. Thinking of names for my sisters will help me overcome being bullied and living like a victim. I have always been a people pleaser, afraid of confrontation, partly due to my older sister ridiculing and belittling me in childhood. She is vindictive and volatile and my other sister is flaky and unreliable so I shall think up some comedy names to help me.

I think you are right and they misunderstand that they don't have a say over anything or that they are due anything. Everything that is my Mums, is exactly that, Mums, until she dies. They are calculating to increase their inheritance in the long run, well they have a long wait. Do you think I should email them back and say it is too soon for me and I need time to come to terms with what has happened to Mum and me and to say I am taking professional advice in the meantime? Or shall I let them sweat and squirm? Perhaps writing to them, as you suggest, will keep them off my back. I just know my older sister will be like a dog with a bone on this and she has the capacity to be truly mean.
 

SarahL

Registered User
Dec 1, 2012
229
0
PS Katrine they are due a third share of Mum's estate when she dies as she set this in the will but they are due nothing at the moment.
 

Katrine

Registered User
Jan 20, 2011
2,837
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England
You don't need me to tell you what to do. You're on a roll now, ready to slam a metaphorical door in their faces. :D. Enjoy the name game!

It's great to hear that you are starting to energise. People who suck the energy out of you are called 'emotional vampires'. You do not need them, they are bad for you. Surround yourself with positive people, keep away from those who drag you down. Your energy has been at a low ebb and you need to recharge your batteries.

I got rid of an emotional vampire last year and have been so much better since. I still see the person occasionally but I no longer get involved in their life and I keep them out of mine. We exchange polite chit chat when needed but that's all. We used to be close, so it's sad, but I realised that I was allowing this person control over me and that I had a choice to change that. I hope that in time we may develop a new relationship based on mutual respect, but that's for the future. I'm in no hurry to get involved again although bridges are slowly being built.
 
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Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
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London
Does he not grasp the fact that he is getting nothing until your Mum dies and therefore even if you sold or rented her house now it would mean no immediate cash for him? What a selfish attitude. Please put him right that you ARE attorney not just claim it and as such you have your Mum's best interest to consider NOT HIS. Threats to involve lawyers, retired or otherwise won't wash. I don't believe his brass.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
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SW London
If you want a laugh, here's a direct quote from a recent e-mail from my brother:
"the bottom line is that shortly I will have no liquid assets apart from cash flow and since our interest-only residential mortgage expires in a couple of years we are stepping up our mortgage payments by approximately 5* to close the gap. That is why it's important to sell or equity release the house and since you claim you are the power of attorney then you can do this. My retired lawyer friend Sandra would be suitable to mediate although ultimately she would be acting in my best interests."
I particularly liked his definition of a mediator.

'Retired' lawyer friend? If she's actually telling him he's entitled to be bailed out by a P of A acting for someone who's lost capacity, then I would suspect she was either a very dodgy lawyer or has been struck off.
 
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Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
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Radcliffe on Trent
'Retired' lawyer friend? If she's actually telling him he's entitled to be bailed out by a P of A acting for someone who's lost capacity, then I would suspect she was either a very dodgy lawyer or has been struck off.

Tell his lawyer friend to look up 'deprivation of assets';) as well as the definition of a mediator).
 

Pottingshed50

Registered User
Apr 8, 2012
514
0
SarahL

I will be thinking of you today. Head up , be proud of you and just give them as good as they give you in future. I can assure you it will be such a shock to them as probably they have it in their minds they can steer you quite easily in any direction that suits them. Oh boy I would love to be a fly on the wall when you advise them firmly of your plans as the Attorney be it by email or on the phone. No wonder your Mum made you her Attorney, she probably could see how the land lay.

What is the saying 'the worm that turned'. Bullies the pair of them. The one thing Bullies do not like it is their own medicine.

We are all behind you.:):):)
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,589
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Yorkshire
Tell his lawyer friend to look up 'deprivation of assets';) as well as the definition of a mediator).

This is when I wish TP had a 'like' button :D

This sense of entitlement to parents' money " because it's in the will" infuriates me.

And stories like this do make me wary of any Right to Die bill, even though I have great sympathy for the reasoning behind it.
 

Pottingshed50

Registered User
Apr 8, 2012
514
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And stories like this do make me wary of any Right to Die bill, even though I have great sympathy for the reasoning behind it.


Well said.
 

mrjelly

Registered User
Jul 23, 2012
314
0
West Sussex
SarahL

Your sisters sound quite heartless, so asking for any consideration will probably be like the grains that fell on stoney ground.

All they seem to care about is money - they need reminding how much money you have saved by helping your Mum live at home for as long as possible. If the caring had been left to them, most likely a lot of your Mum's savings would have been spent already!!!
 

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