It is I believe, your husband's mother whom you are writing about.
Why is he not the person writing? Why are you taking this responsibility ? Why are you even contemplating looking after someone else's mother?
I can understand people, although almost universally a daughter, attempting to look after a mother, but, really, your husband's mother? You don't have the same childhood links.
Why don't men look after their own mothers?
Do you think they would?
Why do so few men ever post on this site?
Answers on a (very small) postcard please.
My kind regards
L
Lowlander,
Well, I'm male and post on this site! I'm not sure men don't look after their own mothers, but there I think are a number of factors feed into the reason for women being more frequent posters on here and more frequent carers.
Probably the main ones these are the interlinked ones of culture and generation and socio-economic pressure. Dementia is predominantly (though I know not exclusively) a condition of the elderly - say 65 - 85. So their children will be roughly my age (51) or a few years either side. And (to generalise even further) even in my generation the social pattern tended to be that the men worked full-time for as long as they could and the women, even if successful professionals, took career breaks to raise children. I know (before you reply) that this wasn't and isn't true of a sizeable minority and that there were and are profound socio-economic changes going on. Put simply, in cash and pension terms, it isn't viable for both partners or the higher earner to stop work (and with that, income) and become full-time carers. I know, I'm in a relationship (but a long-distance one due to work pressure) and I couldn't survive economically in the current climate doing that (and believe me I am under extreme pressure to do so). One at least has to earn, and earn full-time. Historically, rightly or wrongly, the trend has tended for the generation we are discussing, to be the male (in a heterosexual relationship) who has gone on being the breadwinner. (I do know of cases where the opposite has happened - and the man has become the carer for children or elderly parents or in-laws.) The younger generation (say under 35) may not have the same experience for a host of reasons, not least of which are changing economic and employment patters and relationship changes. Also my generation inherited an element of our parents cultural expectations. I'm Scots by background and the pressure there was for the youngest daughter to care for the parents regardless of her own circumstances, and the eldest son to be the administrator/financial provider for parents (even if he was a complete incompetent). My Irish and Irish descended friends report similar pressures in their lives, but there was a marked difference in my circle of English friends where things were less predictable. Last but by no means least is the dignity/privacy aspect of intimate matters like toiletting. My mother will let my father assist her occasionally now, but would not let me do so, and would prefer a female to assist her. That's also a generational and cultural factor - one of my partner's friends is Dutch-born and slightly older than we are (51 - she's about 57) and she and her now deceased parents and aunt were much more relaxed about intimate functions such as toiletting and bathing being performed by a person of the opposite sex, something she attributes to the
hongerwinter (hunger winter) of 1944/5 and its aftermath, which forced the Dutch population to accept previously unthinkable compromises in personal care and many other matters. Whether her reading of Dutch culture is valid or not, her family attitudes offered more scope for flexibility in care patterns and who did what. What I would say is personal experiences and cultural and economic factors shape what happens.
Finally there is the liking/not liking factor. I'm not particularly fond of my own parents for a host of reasons, and find my partner's mother and step-father more likeable (if a little distant). You can't choose your relatives! Also, some spouses/partners may see caring for an in-law as an extention of their relationship with a spouse. Here again cultural factors come into play, as well as the fact that some daughters do actually like their in-laws!
Kind regards
Wirralson