Dad and I collected Mum's ashes about a month ago. Dad said that he wanted them to be put in the local cemetery as Mum used to love walking there for the birds, trees and solitude. Funeral directors said that Dad would need to buy a proper urn or casket to bury Mum's ashes and that it would cost £90. Straight away Dad was moaning about the price. When they informed Dad that a tiny plot for Mum's ashes would be £600, plus other costs, he has done his usual trick and just shut down the conversation. My Dad, love him, is penny pinching and stubborn and I've had various battles with him over the last few years about getting carers etc. I would love Mum to be in a place where we could all visit, instead of being in the container in a corner of the bedroom. I know that it will probably be the case that it will be left to me to sort it when Dad has gone, which will then be like both of them going at the same time. I would prefer Mum to have a proper place and not be scattered, but know it's up to Dad to decide - I just wish he would. It's hard to broach subjects with Dad because he shuts down. I've had really good advice from people on this community. Has anyone else been in this situation? I would welcome any suggestions. Thank you.
Mum's ashes.
- Thread starter tansywoo
- Start date
Hello @tansywoo sorry for your loss. It's a difficult time, and when my sister passed away her husband kept her ashes at home for over a year because he needed time to grieve before following her wishes and scattering them in a place that meant something to her. It took time to reach a stage where he felt he could let go. There isn't a time frame for grief, everyone is different, so perhaps give your Dad time and space to come to a decision?
Thank you, yes, I should give him time. It's just that with the previous four years battling with my Dad to get things done for Mum, I know it takes Dad a long time to think about things and get things done. He keeps his feelings hidden. He says about getting things done, then doesn't do it. I'll give him time and wait for him to bring it up. He might be using the costs as an excuse to hide his feelings. I know I'm struggling. I miss Mum so much, especially going to my Dad's and she's no longer there.
this will make you laugh or cry - hopefully you may feel better off!
My dad died June 2021. We discovered in the garage these ashes
Mum died 1976?
Dad died 1984/5?
Sister died 2012?
Dad now sits on the shelf as mum says she wants to be scattered with him.
As to the others I have no idea 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
My dad died June 2021. We discovered in the garage these ashes
Mum died 1976?
Dad died 1984/5?
Sister died 2012?
Dad now sits on the shelf as mum says she wants to be scattered with him.
As to the others I have no idea 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
Thank you. I just worry more now about things. I'm the total opposite to my Dad and am proactive. I prefer things to be sorted, but I know you're right. There is no rush and there's no limit to how long grief lasts. I do have a feeling that it will be left to me to sort though.
Oh dear. My Dad has a lot of junk in his garage, but I hope there's no ashes lurking in there. 😱
My mother died in October and her ashes are in the bottom of my wardrobe. I need to have a conversation with my brother about what we are going to do with them, but haven't been able to pin him down about it yet. I hope we decide in the next fifty years though!
As others have emphasised, there is no rush on this. Give your Dad time and he may be in a place to think about your Mum's ashes as time goes on.
I had a conversation with my brother, and we both agreed that our Mum's ashes should be re-united with Dad's at a Hampshire crematorium. This was almost a year after she passed - her ashes were sitting quietly on her favourite drinks cabinet (she wasn't a real drinker btw!), with me for that year. And we did the re uniting on what would have been Mum's birthday, which made it special too.
I had a conversation with my brother, and we both agreed that our Mum's ashes should be re-united with Dad's at a Hampshire crematorium. This was almost a year after she passed - her ashes were sitting quietly on her favourite drinks cabinet (she wasn't a real drinker btw!), with me for that year. And we did the re uniting on what would have been Mum's birthday, which made it special too.
Thank you. I think I will wait until Dad mentions it then I know he will be ready. Mum's birthday is next November, so that could be something to aim for.
I think my Mum would have wanted whatever would have made us happy and whatever would be easy for us. She scattered her Mum's ashes at the crematorium, so possibly could have wanted that. But she did love the cemetery, which is in the town she'd always lived in. She loved that place.
Could you have a small amount of ashes in an urn for you to place where you could get comfort without pushing your Dad. You could have a tiny amount that no one would notice if you slipped in into the cemetery quietly. I’m a real rule follower but for this I would break the rule!
It was my son’s idea to scatter his Dad’s ashes down by the river where he used to walk the dogs. A year later the Funeral Director contacted me to ask what was happening about them as they still had them. Eventually the subject cropped up and I asked my son if he had done anything and he said he’d scattered them out in the forest where I sometimes walk the dog still. I’d been walking past him for years without knowing. Now, if I go out that way I say “Hello” to him!
I think I would do what @Ellie2018 suggests because you can still go there and think of her.
I think I would do what @Ellie2018 suggests because you can still go there and think of her.
We did think about just taking them to the cemetery, but like you I dare not for fear of getting caught by someone. There's always someone who would tell. Good idea though.
It's good that you can acknowledge him every time you go for a walk. That's why I'd like to have somewhere to go to pay my respects to Mum.
Dad's ashes went in the garden of rest next to the same spot where my mum's ashes were put. We had no urn or special container, the vicar just poured the ashes into a ready dug hole in the earth which was fine with us, it seemed very natural.
I asked the vicar to keep a small amount of dad's ashes for me because I wanted to put them in the ocean somewhere (ex merchant seaman) so I went to Australia and found a beautiful spot that dad would have loved. That was two and a years after dad died and it felt very right to me.
This has created two problems, the first being that I now feel I have to go back to the beautiful spot in Australia because it is now a special place (lucky me) and the second problem is that the vicar saved me a larger amount of dad's ashes than I expected and sometime soon I need to either make a moonlight flit to the church yard to reunite with mum or take dad on a Caribbean cruise which was his second favourite location.
There is no rush.
I asked the vicar to keep a small amount of dad's ashes for me because I wanted to put them in the ocean somewhere (ex merchant seaman) so I went to Australia and found a beautiful spot that dad would have loved. That was two and a years after dad died and it felt very right to me.
This has created two problems, the first being that I now feel I have to go back to the beautiful spot in Australia because it is now a special place (lucky me) and the second problem is that the vicar saved me a larger amount of dad's ashes than I expected and sometime soon I need to either make a moonlight flit to the church yard to reunite with mum or take dad on a Caribbean cruise which was his second favourite location.
There is no rush.
Mum and Dad were from Northumberland but moved to East Anglia after they got married.
Mum died in 2015 and we were too busy looking after Dad (PWD) and sorting his house so he could downsize, so we didn’t manage to go up north to scatter her ashes
Dad died in 2019. We had finished sorting his estate not long before Covid started. We booked a holiday for the 3 of us to scatter their ashes in summer 2020 but then my husband was having chemo so I couldn’t go.
Finally in November last year we met up.
Mum is now by the River Reed in West Woodburn and Dad is reunited with in Mum, Dad and one of his brothers in Bedlington Cemetery.
Better late than never but we think they would both be happy. Also it was great for us 3 siblings to get together as we are based in London, Norfolk and Aberdeenshire.
Mum died in 2015 and we were too busy looking after Dad (PWD) and sorting his house so he could downsize, so we didn’t manage to go up north to scatter her ashes
Dad died in 2019. We had finished sorting his estate not long before Covid started. We booked a holiday for the 3 of us to scatter their ashes in summer 2020 but then my husband was having chemo so I couldn’t go.
Finally in November last year we met up.
Mum is now by the River Reed in West Woodburn and Dad is reunited with in Mum, Dad and one of his brothers in Bedlington Cemetery.
Better late than never but we think they would both be happy. Also it was great for us 3 siblings to get together as we are based in London, Norfolk and Aberdeenshire.
In our local crematorium there are various different sections of garden. Some people have a v small plot in which to bury the ashes of a LO, and then have a plaque there. As an alternative, the crematorium allow a plaque to be put up in memory of a LO in the the section of the garden where the ashes are scattered - thus a plaque expense, but no plot expense
I know @tansywoo you said you didn't want your mum's ashes scattered, and your dad didn't want great expense - would the alternative I've set out above be a compromise solution?
Or. other alternatives. (a) One of my late uncles was a keen sailor, and for some years he moored his yacht on the Hamble (off Southampton Water). I used to sail with him whenever he offered me the chance (and it was lot cheaper then having my own boat). He left a letter with his Will, requesting me to scatter his ashes in the Solent as I sailed his yacht to the Isle of Wight (and back). It was a lovely day out, and pleased his widow greatly.
(b) My niece, when aged just 12, was knocked down and died when riding her bicycle on a lane near where the family lived. My sister-in-law and her husband chose to scatter the ashes to the four winds from the top of a near-by hill they all used to love walking up. All the family call it A's hill; and we all planted a tree in our gardens in memory of this lovely girl.
Did your mum and/or your dad have a special interest or place that might be suitable for either burying or scattering the ashes?
I know @tansywoo you said you didn't want your mum's ashes scattered, and your dad didn't want great expense - would the alternative I've set out above be a compromise solution?
Or. other alternatives. (a) One of my late uncles was a keen sailor, and for some years he moored his yacht on the Hamble (off Southampton Water). I used to sail with him whenever he offered me the chance (and it was lot cheaper then having my own boat). He left a letter with his Will, requesting me to scatter his ashes in the Solent as I sailed his yacht to the Isle of Wight (and back). It was a lovely day out, and pleased his widow greatly.
(b) My niece, when aged just 12, was knocked down and died when riding her bicycle on a lane near where the family lived. My sister-in-law and her husband chose to scatter the ashes to the four winds from the top of a near-by hill they all used to love walking up. All the family call it A's hill; and we all planted a tree in our gardens in memory of this lovely girl.
Did your mum and/or your dad have a special interest or place that might be suitable for either burying or scattering the ashes?
