Mum's ashes.

[Cardinal]

I don’t know if your dad is sentimental but he may want his wife’s ashes with him so he can talk to her when he’s lonely. He may not want you doing anything with her ashes while he’s alive. At the same time if her ashes are just sitting on a shelf at the back of a closet he may not care.

 

[JHA]

It is still early days he may be using the cost as an excuse not to do anything perhaps he still wants your mom to be with him. Sorry for your loss.

 

[tansywoo]

Dad's ashes went in the garden of rest next to the same spot where my mum's ashes were put. We had no urn or special container, the vicar just poured the ashes into a ready dug hole in the earth which was fine with us, it seemed very natural.

I asked the vicar to keep a small amount of dad's ashes for me because I wanted to put them in the ocean somewhere (ex merchant seaman) so I went to Australia and found a beautiful spot that dad would have loved. That was two and a years after dad died and it felt very right to me.

This has created two problems, the first being that I now feel I have to go back to the beautiful spot in Australia because it is now a special place (lucky me) and the second problem is that the vicar saved me a larger amount of dad's ashes than I expected and sometime soon I need to either make a moonlight flit to the church yard to reunite with mum or take dad on a Caribbean cruise which was his second favourite location.

There is no rush.

The funeral directors said that we would need to buy an urn as we weren't allowed to bury Mum's ashes in the one they put them in. I'm hoping it was not just a sales ploy. I must admit I haven't looked into it myself as Dad is not talking about it, so have not contacted the council or anything.

 

[tansywoo]

In our local crematorium there are various different sections of garden. Some people have a v small plot in which to bury the ashes of a LO, and then have a plaque there. As an alternative, the crematorium allow a plaque to be put up in memory of a LO in the the section of the garden where the ashes are scattered - thus a plaque expense, but no plot expense
I know @tansywoo you said you didn't want your mum's ashes scattered, and your dad didn't want great expense - would the alternative I've set out above be a compromise solution?

Or. other alternatives. (a) One of my late uncles was a keen sailor, and for some years he moored his yacht on the Hamble (off Southampton Water). I used to sail with him whenever he offered me the chance (and it was lot cheaper then having my own boat). He left a letter with his Will, requesting me to scatter his ashes in the Solent as I sailed his yacht to the Isle of Wight (and back). It was a lovely day out, and pleased his widow greatly.

(b) My niece, when aged just 12, was knocked down and died when riding her bicycle on a lane near where the family lived. My sister-in-law and her husband chose to scatter the ashes to the four winds from the top of a near-by hill they all used to love walking up. All the family call it A's hill; and we all planted a tree in our gardens in memory of this lovely girl.

Did your mum and/or your dad have a special interest or place that might be suitable for either burying or scattering the ashes?

They've been to so many lovely places in their time, but I think Mum would have probably preferred to stay in our home town. That's why Dad mentioned the cemetery. It sounds morbid, but Mum loved walking in there listening to the birds.

 

[tansywoo]

I don’t know if your dad is sentimental but he may want his wife’s ashes with him so he can talk to her when he’s lonely. He may not want you doing anything with her ashes while he’s alive. At the same time if her ashes are just sitting on a shelf at the back of a closet he may not care.

It may be that, but my Dad is quite hard and a realist. He says things like, that we're just rubbish at the end of the day once we've gone. All Mum's clothes are still in place as are some of her dolls. It doesn't seem to bother him. Perhaps he does find comfort from it, he would never say. My Dad is a closed book.

 

[tansywoo]

It is still early days he may be using the cost as an excuse not to do anything perhaps he still wants your mom to be with him. Sorry for your loss.

Thank you. It may be an excuse. I love my Dad very much. He is a good Dad, but has always been penny pinching, bless him. Like everyone has said, it's still early days and I've no idea how he feels.

 

[Duggies-girl]

The funeral directors said that we would need to buy an urn as we weren't allowed to bury Mum's ashes in the one they put them in. I'm hoping it was not just a sales ploy. I must admit I haven't looked into it myself as Dad is not talking about it, so have not contacted the council or anything.

This was in the local village church. I did have to pay a fee for something I think it was about £75, The vicar said it was a standard fee, it wasn't for him. The funeral directors had nothing to do with it as I had kept the ashes in my wardrobe for a year because of covid.