Hello, I always find a lot of comfort and support from reading the threads on this forum. Three weeks ago we made the difficult decision to move mum into a care home, she was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia 2 years ago. We were keen to keep her at home as long as possible and had carers at home for 5 hours a day in the end, but she was up and about at night, sometimes they found her in states of undress and she was so anxious and scared and sometimes didn't recognise her home. We didn't wait for a crisis point to hit, however she was taking herself out for walks on her own as she couldn't remember not too, and is quite frail so it's a miracle really. I have found it very very hard to remove her from our lovely family home in the countryside which was a couple of hours drive away and move her into an urban setting close to me. I feel so much grief for taking her quiet, calm life, countryside life away from her but know it was the right thing to do as she could not have carried on. We will have to sell the house, but thankfully my sister will deal with clearing it and everything else.
Mum doesn't remember the car journey to drop her off thankfully and it was fairly awful just having to leave her outside the care home to be taken in by a stranger and made very hard by covid, not even having been inside the home, just a look on zoom.
However, on the plus side the home seems nice, mum is self-funding and I looked (on Zoom) round several and this was the only one which didn't make me feel depressed. It is modern and bright and most importantly they seemed caring and had lots of actiivities going on and put loads of things on Facebook which makes me see they are pro-active.
Visits so far have not been great - they do have a visiting pod with a screen and while the first few visits were ok as time has gone on, every time she sees me mum starts crying and gets very upset asking why she is there and wants to live with me. I get stressed leading up to the visits too. The home is now in lockdown as they had a case of covid - I think it must be a staff member as all residents have had the first jab, so I can't visit for another week - tried a video call, but she got very upset again. I can talk her round and rally her by reminding her I now only live 10 mins away, but feels like a bit of false hope really as with covid normal visits are a while off, I think she will struggle a bit with me having to wear a mask, even though we could hold hands - I would prefer to hug like in Scotland.
Anyway finally to point of my post!! Since moving in, no one from the home has called me with an update - perhaps because I have always rung them to ask how she is settling in. I was disappointed not to have had a call from the manager (who was very friendly and nice before she moved in) to have a catch up - but perhaps this is normal?
Despite the upset at my visits, I can see photos on Facebook of her joining in the activities, chair dancing with pom poms, afternoon tea, films at the cinema, flower arranging and she looks ok - not exactly happy, but more stimulated than sitting in her chair at home being anxious. I was told she was settling and had made a friend but did need lots of emotional reassurance eg where she was.
Yesterday after 3 weeks of her being there I got a phone call from someone I had never spoken to before saying that they wanted to move mum up to the dementia unit - she is on residential. Their reasons for this seemed to be that she had got out onto the patio (she wasn't trying to escape, she loves the outside and would have been going for a walk) and this was a fall-risk, that she needed lots of emotional support and there was not always a member of staff in the residents lounge but there was on dementia, and I was told that she was relying on another resident for emotional support and from what I can glean following her around and choosing the same lunch as her etc and I got the impression this was a bother to this resident (despite them reassuring me in the first week that she had made a friend - with another resident), she does struggle to know where her room is and goes into other people's rooms which must be annoying for them and I know she is up at night too.
So I got the impression (perhaps wrongly) that the main reasons were they didn't have enough staff to look after her on residential and she was being a bother to others, and not necessarily that it was mum they were thinking of.
They did say that she would get more emotional support on dementia as there was always a staff member there and they did more activities (mum is quite restless) and I think she gets bored just sitting in the lounge, so i can see the benefits.
However, having stalked Facebook photos I can see the residents on the wing they are suggesting seem much older than mum - she is 82 but very mobile and agile, and doesn't look that old - and I am worried they won't have much capacity and will cause mum to decline quicker. As with others who have VD she is still very aware and I know that she will see a room of very old, ill looking people and hate it (even more than she tells me she hates it now, thus making visits doubly stressful !) as the ladies where she is now seem bright and sprightly.
My concerns are that 3 weeks don't seem very long to make that decision, if it will truly help mum and is for the best and will give her some reassurance then I will see it as a good thing, but I don't feel I have built enough confidence in the home yet and feel they are taking this approach to make life easier for them and their other long-standing residents. I have emailed the manager and am due to have a talk to her today to address my concerns, I don't want to push for her to stay on residential if it is wrong for mum, but I am not sure of their motives. Mum is in a nice ground floor room overlooking a patio garden and half of me thinks they have got their eyes on it for another visiting room as it used to be their 'marketing suite'! But this could just be paranoia!
Anyway I feel better for having got that off my chest! Has anyone had any similar experiences with a care home? Perhaps a move to a dementia wing has been positive for your loved one? I would love to hear!
Mum doesn't remember the car journey to drop her off thankfully and it was fairly awful just having to leave her outside the care home to be taken in by a stranger and made very hard by covid, not even having been inside the home, just a look on zoom.
However, on the plus side the home seems nice, mum is self-funding and I looked (on Zoom) round several and this was the only one which didn't make me feel depressed. It is modern and bright and most importantly they seemed caring and had lots of actiivities going on and put loads of things on Facebook which makes me see they are pro-active.
Visits so far have not been great - they do have a visiting pod with a screen and while the first few visits were ok as time has gone on, every time she sees me mum starts crying and gets very upset asking why she is there and wants to live with me. I get stressed leading up to the visits too. The home is now in lockdown as they had a case of covid - I think it must be a staff member as all residents have had the first jab, so I can't visit for another week - tried a video call, but she got very upset again. I can talk her round and rally her by reminding her I now only live 10 mins away, but feels like a bit of false hope really as with covid normal visits are a while off, I think she will struggle a bit with me having to wear a mask, even though we could hold hands - I would prefer to hug like in Scotland.
Anyway finally to point of my post!! Since moving in, no one from the home has called me with an update - perhaps because I have always rung them to ask how she is settling in. I was disappointed not to have had a call from the manager (who was very friendly and nice before she moved in) to have a catch up - but perhaps this is normal?
Despite the upset at my visits, I can see photos on Facebook of her joining in the activities, chair dancing with pom poms, afternoon tea, films at the cinema, flower arranging and she looks ok - not exactly happy, but more stimulated than sitting in her chair at home being anxious. I was told she was settling and had made a friend but did need lots of emotional reassurance eg where she was.
Yesterday after 3 weeks of her being there I got a phone call from someone I had never spoken to before saying that they wanted to move mum up to the dementia unit - she is on residential. Their reasons for this seemed to be that she had got out onto the patio (she wasn't trying to escape, she loves the outside and would have been going for a walk) and this was a fall-risk, that she needed lots of emotional support and there was not always a member of staff in the residents lounge but there was on dementia, and I was told that she was relying on another resident for emotional support and from what I can glean following her around and choosing the same lunch as her etc and I got the impression this was a bother to this resident (despite them reassuring me in the first week that she had made a friend - with another resident), she does struggle to know where her room is and goes into other people's rooms which must be annoying for them and I know she is up at night too.
So I got the impression (perhaps wrongly) that the main reasons were they didn't have enough staff to look after her on residential and she was being a bother to others, and not necessarily that it was mum they were thinking of.
They did say that she would get more emotional support on dementia as there was always a staff member there and they did more activities (mum is quite restless) and I think she gets bored just sitting in the lounge, so i can see the benefits.
However, having stalked Facebook photos I can see the residents on the wing they are suggesting seem much older than mum - she is 82 but very mobile and agile, and doesn't look that old - and I am worried they won't have much capacity and will cause mum to decline quicker. As with others who have VD she is still very aware and I know that she will see a room of very old, ill looking people and hate it (even more than she tells me she hates it now, thus making visits doubly stressful !) as the ladies where she is now seem bright and sprightly.
My concerns are that 3 weeks don't seem very long to make that decision, if it will truly help mum and is for the best and will give her some reassurance then I will see it as a good thing, but I don't feel I have built enough confidence in the home yet and feel they are taking this approach to make life easier for them and their other long-standing residents. I have emailed the manager and am due to have a talk to her today to address my concerns, I don't want to push for her to stay on residential if it is wrong for mum, but I am not sure of their motives. Mum is in a nice ground floor room overlooking a patio garden and half of me thinks they have got their eyes on it for another visiting room as it used to be their 'marketing suite'! But this could just be paranoia!
Anyway I feel better for having got that off my chest! Has anyone had any similar experiences with a care home? Perhaps a move to a dementia wing has been positive for your loved one? I would love to hear!