Care home wants to move mum from residential to dementia wing after 3 weeks

[PinkSheep]

Hello, I always find a lot of comfort and support from reading the threads on this forum. Three weeks ago we made the difficult decision to move mum into a care home, she was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia 2 years ago. We were keen to keep her at home as long as possible and had carers at home for 5 hours a day in the end, but she was up and about at night, sometimes they found her in states of undress and she was so anxious and scared and sometimes didn't recognise her home. We didn't wait for a crisis point to hit, however she was taking herself out for walks on her own as she couldn't remember not too, and is quite frail so it's a miracle really. I have found it very very hard to remove her from our lovely family home in the countryside which was a couple of hours drive away and move her into an urban setting close to me. I feel so much grief for taking her quiet, calm life, countryside life away from her but know it was the right thing to do as she could not have carried on. We will have to sell the house, but thankfully my sister will deal with clearing it and everything else.

Mum doesn't remember the car journey to drop her off thankfully and it was fairly awful just having to leave her outside the care home to be taken in by a stranger and made very hard by covid, not even having been inside the home, just a look on zoom.

However, on the plus side the home seems nice, mum is self-funding and I looked (on Zoom) round several and this was the only one which didn't make me feel depressed. It is modern and bright and most importantly they seemed caring and had lots of actiivities going on and put loads of things on Facebook which makes me see they are pro-active.

Visits so far have not been great - they do have a visiting pod with a screen and while the first few visits were ok as time has gone on, every time she sees me mum starts crying and gets very upset asking why she is there and wants to live with me. I get stressed leading up to the visits too. The home is now in lockdown as they had a case of covid - I think it must be a staff member as all residents have had the first jab, so I can't visit for another week - tried a video call, but she got very upset again. I can talk her round and rally her by reminding her I now only live 10 mins away, but feels like a bit of false hope really as with covid normal visits are a while off, I think she will struggle a bit with me having to wear a mask, even though we could hold hands - I would prefer to hug like in Scotland.

Anyway finally to point of my post!! Since moving in, no one from the home has called me with an update - perhaps because I have always rung them to ask how she is settling in. I was disappointed not to have had a call from the manager (who was very friendly and nice before she moved in) to have a catch up - but perhaps this is normal?

Despite the upset at my visits, I can see photos on Facebook of her joining in the activities, chair dancing with pom poms, afternoon tea, films at the cinema, flower arranging and she looks ok - not exactly happy, but more stimulated than sitting in her chair at home being anxious. I was told she was settling and had made a friend but did need lots of emotional reassurance eg where she was.

Yesterday after 3 weeks of her being there I got a phone call from someone I had never spoken to before saying that they wanted to move mum up to the dementia unit - she is on residential. Their reasons for this seemed to be that she had got out onto the patio (she wasn't trying to escape, she loves the outside and would have been going for a walk) and this was a fall-risk, that she needed lots of emotional support and there was not always a member of staff in the residents lounge but there was on dementia, and I was told that she was relying on another resident for emotional support and from what I can glean following her around and choosing the same lunch as her etc and I got the impression this was a bother to this resident (despite them reassuring me in the first week that she had made a friend - with another resident), she does struggle to know where her room is and goes into other people's rooms which must be annoying for them and I know she is up at night too.

So I got the impression (perhaps wrongly) that the main reasons were they didn't have enough staff to look after her on residential and she was being a bother to others, and not necessarily that it was mum they were thinking of.

They did say that she would get more emotional support on dementia as there was always a staff member there and they did more activities (mum is quite restless) and I think she gets bored just sitting in the lounge, so i can see the benefits.

However, having stalked Facebook photos I can see the residents on the wing they are suggesting seem much older than mum - she is 82 but very mobile and agile, and doesn't look that old - and I am worried they won't have much capacity and will cause mum to decline quicker. As with others who have VD she is still very aware and I know that she will see a room of very old, ill looking people and hate it (even more than she tells me she hates it now, thus making visits doubly stressful !) as the ladies where she is now seem bright and sprightly.

My concerns are that 3 weeks don't seem very long to make that decision, if it will truly help mum and is for the best and will give her some reassurance then I will see it as a good thing, but I don't feel I have built enough confidence in the home yet and feel they are taking this approach to make life easier for them and their other long-standing residents. I have emailed the manager and am due to have a talk to her today to address my concerns, I don't want to push for her to stay on residential if it is wrong for mum, but I am not sure of their motives. Mum is in a nice ground floor room overlooking a patio garden and half of me thinks they have got their eyes on it for another visiting room as it used to be their 'marketing suite'! But this could just be paranoia!

Anyway I feel better for having got that off my chest! Has anyone had any similar experiences with a care home? Perhaps a move to a dementia wing has been positive for your loved one? I would love to hear!

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @PinkSheep

From the way you’ve described your mum it does sound as though she is at the stage where she would be better with dementia care than residential. I’m glad you’ve found a home which does both as hopefully this will make the move easier.

Things like being up at night and wandering into other peoples rooms are not normally tolerated in residential care (imagine how you’d feel if you were one of the residents being disturbed by someone doing this) but they are normal in dementia care and they have staff to deal with the behaviours which are normal for dementia. I know how shocking dementia care residents look at first glance and I felt the same when my dad was placed in dementia care. He settled surprisingly well though ( it took about 4 weeks) and the staff were kind and well able to cope with the unique challenges which dementia raises. I soon realised it was the right place for dad.

I hope a chat with the manager helps to put your mind at rest and your mum settles quickly whatever decision is made.

 

[PinkSheep]

Hi @PinkSheep

From the way you’ve described your mum it does sound as though she is at the stage where she would be better with dementia care than residential. I’m glad you’ve found a home which does both as hopefully this will make the move easier.

Things like being up at night and wandering into other peoples rooms are not normally tolerated in residential care (imagine how you’d feel if you were one of the residents being disturbed by someone doing this) but they are normal in dementia care and they have staff to deal with the behaviours which are normal for dementia. I know how shocking dementia care residents look at first glance and I felt the same when my dad was placed in dementia care. He settled surprisingly well though ( it took about 4 weeks) and the staff were kind and well able to cope with the unique challenges which dementia raises. I soon realised it was the right place for dad.

I hope a chat with the manager helps to put your mind at rest and your mum settles quickly whatever decision is made.

Thank you, that makes me feel better. I just want her to be happy - as much as she can be anyway. Glad your Dad settled, that is reassuring.

 

[canary]

Hello @PinkSheep and welcome to DTP

My mum went straight into a dementia home. She had Alzheimers, but sounds like she was at a very similar stage to your mum. It took her a while to settle, but after that she thrived. Mum was a wanderer too and she was often up during the night, so it was important that there were staff around at that point to reassure her. There were activities for her and she too made a friend, but probably it was a more appropriate friendship as they both had dementia.

The problem with residential wings/homes is that they are not geared up to care for people with dementia unless they are in the very early stages (and your mum sounds like mid-stage), so there is always a point where they are better off in the dementia wing/home. It is a question of keeping them safe. If there are times when there is no-one supervising the lounge and your mum managed to get out onto the patio then she is at real risk of harm in the dementia wing. The carers on the dementia wing will be better trained and have more experience in dementia as well.

I remember the culture shock when mum moved into her dementia care home and its a bit like when children first start school - they seem far too small and young to be at school, but within a very short time you realise that they fit right in.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @PinkSheep, I'm glad you find Dementia Talking Point useful. This is such a supportive site and you'll always get support and advice here.
My situation with my mother was/is similar to that with your mum. My mother also has VD. For a long time she was managing fine at home (a modern flat on a high street), as local people and her friends were very supportive. Her main problem was her lack of logic and her reckless behaviour. Mum is a party animal and she started drinking in a local pub with random men, at least one of whom she bought home. She is ten years older than your mum but still looks much younger than her years, and she had a very strong hostess mode, so people who didn't know her well didn't realise how confused she really was when they only saw her briefly.
Because of mum's behaviour I moved her to a care home near me (mum lived two trains and a bus away) in May 2019. I lied through my teeth to get her there as she would never have agreed. The home sounds very much like the one your mum is in. It has a hairdressers, cinema room and three floors of residents' rooms I chose it because it had a friendly atmosphere, looked posh (mum is a terrible snob) and had lots of activities going on.
The ground floor is for residents with mainly medical needs, though some have the early stages of dementia. They can come and go as they please (well could pre-lockdown) and they tend to be the ones taken out on interesting trips. The other two floors are for residents with dementia and they can't wander around the whole home at will. I was a bit shocked at first when mum was put on the top floor, as I'd naively assumed mum could pop out if she'd wanted to. I soon realised that wouldn't have worked. Mum didn't know where she was and would have jumped on a bus and got very lost. As it was she made several serious attempts to escape. She was far from happy and when I visited I had to sneak away as she would always want to come with me, and thought I was very cruel for not having her live with her. Six months in they moved her to the middle floor as she started a sexual relationship with one of the other residents, much to his wife's annoyance. I'm not sure if it's the mix of residents, the staff, the senior carer is lovely and plays the piano for them, or mum's dementia moving on, but she's been much more settled since being there. Still not always happy, but the last couple of times I've seen her she seems far more relaxed.
As for staff ratios, there are fewer staff on the ground floor because the residents can do far more for themselves, so it may be good for your mum if there is more staff interaction. They do have activities and pre-covid came down to the ground floor for some of them. They also got taken out. The covid restrictions have knocked trips on the head, but I hope in the summer as things ease the home will take your mum out as I hope my mother's home will mine.
Sorry this is such a long ramble. I think you need to give the move a chance, but if you still aren't happy maybe talk to the manager about getting your mum out in their garden area as much as possible. Mum's home had a picture on Facebook of various residents potting up their planters. Not something my mother would ever enjoy, but the ones that do looked very happy doing it.

 

[PinkSheep]

Hello @PinkSheep and welcome to DTP

My mum went straight into a dementia home. She had Alzheimers, but sounds like she was at a very similar stage to your mum. It took her a while to settle, but after that she thrived. Mum was a wanderer too and she was often up during the night, so it was important that there were staff around at that point to reassure her. There were activities for her and she too made a friend, but probably it was a more appropriate friendship as they both had dementia.

The problem with residential wings/homes is that they are not geared up to care for people with dementia unless they are in the very early stages (and your mum sounds like mid-stage), so there is always a point where they are better off in the dementia wing/home. It is a question of keeping them safe. If there are times when there is no-one supervising the lounge and your mum managed to get out onto the patio then she is at real risk of harm in the dementia wing. The carers on the dementia wing will be better trained and have more experience in dementia as well.

I remember the culture shock when mum moved into her dementia care home and its a bit like when children first start school - they seem far too small and young to be at school, but within a very short time you realise that they fit right in.

Hi thanks for that - you are right it often does feel like the school process! Well that is good to know and I am glad it was a positive thing for your mum. Hopefully as mum hasn’t been there too long it won’t be that bad, although any change is very difficult.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @PinkSheep

I imagine 3 weeks` observation 24/7 is long enough to be able to make a full assessment of your mother`s needs. A dementia unit may be a culture shock for you but the staffing ratio is usually better and your mum may get more emotional support.

 

[PinkSheep]

Hi @PinkSheep, I'm glad you find Dementia Talking Point useful. This is such a supportive site and you'll always get support and advice here.
My situation with my mother was/is similar to that with your mum. My mother also has VD. For a long time she was managing fine at home (a modern flat on a high street), as local people and her friends were very supportive. Her main problem was her lack of logic and her reckless behaviour. Mum is a party animal and she started drinking in a local pub with random men, at least one of whom she bought home. She is ten years older than your mum but still looks much younger than her years, and she had a very strong hostess mode, so people who didn't know her well didn't realise how confused she really was when they only saw her briefly.
Because of mum's behaviour I moved her to a care home near me (mum lived two trains and a bus away) in May 2019. I lied through my teeth to get her there as she would never have agreed. The home sounds very much like the one your mum is in. It has a hairdressers, cinema room and three floors of residents' rooms I chose it because it had a friendly atmosphere, looked posh (mum is a terrible snob) and had lots of activities going on.
The ground floor is for residents with mainly medical needs, though some have the early stages of dementia. They can come and go as they please (well could pre-lockdown) and they tend to be the ones taken out on interesting trips. The other two floors are for residents with dementia and they can't wander around the whole home at will. I was a bit shocked at first when mum was put on the top floor, as I'd naively assumed mum could pop out if she'd wanted to. I soon realised that wouldn't have worked. Mum didn't know where she was and would have jumped on a bus and got very lost. As it was she made several serious attempts to escape. She was far from happy and when I visited I had to sneak away as she would always want to come with me, and thought I was very cruel for not having her live with her. Six months in they moved her to the middle floor as she started a sexual relationship with one of the other residents, much to his wife's annoyance. I'm not sure if it's the mix of residents, the staff, the senior carer is lovely and plays the piano for them, or mum's dementia moving on, but she's been much more settled since being there. Still not always happy, but the last couple of times I've seen her she seems far more relaxed.
As for staff ratios, there are fewer staff on the ground floor because the residents can do far more for themselves, so it may be good for your mum if there is more staff interaction. They do have activities and pre-covid came down to the ground floor for some of them. They also got taken out. The covid restrictions have knocked trips on the head, but I hope in the summer as things ease the home will take your mum out as I hope my mother's home will mine.
Sorry this is such a long ramble. I think you need to give the move a chance, but if you still aren't happy maybe talk to the manager about getting your mum out in their garden area as much as possible. Mum's home had a picture on Facebook of various residents potting up their planters. Not something my mother would ever enjoy, but the ones that do looked very happy doing it.

Thank you, it is so helpful to hear others experiences. At the moment they say mum looks ‘lost’ so I suppose in my heart I know this is probably best for her. Glad your mum found some peace and was more relaxed - that’s really what I am hoping for.

 

[PinkSheep]

Hello @PinkSheep

I imagine 3 weeks` observation 24/7 is long enough to be able to make a full assessment of your mother`s needs. A dementia unit may be a culture shock for you but the staffing ratio is usually better and your mum may get more emotional support.

Yes I think you are right, my husband reminded me that I assumed she would be put straight on the dementia ward and it was the home who suggested trying her on residential and more support can only be a good thing.

 

[imthedaughter]

Well @PinkSheep I do sympathise, it's a very hard decision to make (my dad is in residential care). I do think it's important to consider the points you have raised and you should have that conversation with the manager, but I think it may well turn out to be the right decision to move mum to the dementia wing.

Given what they have said about the reassurance needed and her love of the outdoors I would definitely want her to have staff on hand as much as possible. I feel they maybe haven't phrased it well when talking to you about it though!

I wish dad's home had a dementia wing - you made a great choice in picking a home - the reality is the council will have to move him when he gets too much to cope with. When I moved dad into the home I thought he was not really at 'that level' (24 hour care) and we aimed for him to have as much independence as possible, but he started going out without telling anyone, and obviously couldn't remember to tell them, and that was okay, until he started falling on his face, getting confused and lost, or getting on a bus when he didn't know where he was going - that kind of thing.

This was only a few months into his placement and it became clear he was in the right place and I had moved him just in time. In fact he's been a bit of a handful at times! He's well settled and even having assisted baths etc quite comfortably.

Calls from the home - I tend to call. The care homes will call you if they need to but some people find the calling really hard so they are sensitive to this, so it's probably best for you to decide how often you want to call and when is a good time for you to do so.

I hope you can feel reassured that you are being a great advocate for your mum and I hope you can raise the concerns and have them met when you have the discussion. Let us all know how it goes!

 

[PinkSheep]

Well @PinkSheep I do sympathise, it's a very hard decision to make (my dad is in residential care). I do think it's important to consider the points you have raised and you should have that conversation with the manager, but I think it may well turn out to be the right decision to move mum to the dementia wing.

Given what they have said about the reassurance needed and her love of the outdoors I would definitely want her to have staff on hand as much as possible. I feel they maybe haven't phrased it well when talking to you about it though!

I wish dad's home had a dementia wing - you made a great choice in picking a home - the reality is the council will have to move him when he gets too much to cope with. When I moved dad into the home I thought he was not really at 'that level' (24 hour care) and we aimed for him to have as much independence as possible, but he started going out without telling anyone, and obviously couldn't remember to tell them, and that was okay, until he started falling on his face, getting confused and lost, or getting on a bus when he didn't know where he was going - that kind of thing.

This was only a few months into his placement and it became clear he was in the right place and I had moved him just in time. In fact he's been a bit of a handful at times! He's well settled and even having assisted baths etc quite comfortably.

Calls from the home - I tend to call. The care homes will call you if they need to but some people find the calling really hard so they are sensitive to this, so it's probably best for you to decide how often you want to call and when is a good time for you to do so.

I hope you can feel reassured that you are being a great advocate for your mum and I hope you can raise the concerns and have them met when you have the discussion. Let us all know how it goes!

Thanks for your kind words, it’s so helpful to speak to folk in a similar position and has made me realise that it is a good thing she is already somewhere they can cater for her dementia. Glad you dad is settling, I think this is such a hard journey for us all.

 

[PinkSheep]

Thanks for everyone's support today, you made me feel much better about the prospect of mum moving to the dementia wing of her care home. I had a good discussion with the manager today and we talked it through. Mum has been relying on the other residents to provide her with reassurance and as she has such a short 'memory loop' this is upsetting them as it is constant and they in turn are sharp with mum which helps no one. Mum can't remember the friend she made at the start of her stay so that has also upset that lady! Anyway, I made it quite clear that I wasn't happy if upsetting the other residents was the only reason for the move, but to be honest I can see now that all this is just a symptom of her having dementia and she does indeed need the extra support that more staff can provide her. The manager said it was not just upsetting the other residents, but coupled with the risk of her falling if she goes outside and needed the extra reassurance etc so she will be moved over the next couple of days. They are going to mirror her room so it looks the same and keep a close eye on her. I am prepared for her to be unsettled again, but you have all helped me to see that she does need the extra support and the home has reassured me they have her best interests at heart. I hope it will be a move for the better and I will keep you posted!

 

[Bunpoots]

That sounds positive @PinkSheep . I hope the move goes smoothly.

 

[Sarasa]

Mum settled into her new room surprisingly quickly considering how difficult things were when she moved in the first place. As the home is a new build all the rooms were all similar sizes though mum's new one is a slightly different lay-out. I'm not at all sure she remembered the move a few hours after it had happened

 

[Frank24]

Hello, I always find a lot of comfort and support from reading the threads on this forum. Three weeks ago we made the difficult decision to move mum into a care home, she was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia 2 years ago. We were keen to keep her at home as long as possible and had carers at home for 5 hours a day in the end, but she was up and about at night, sometimes they found her in states of undress and she was so anxious and scared and sometimes didn't recognise her home. We didn't wait for a crisis point to hit, however she was taking herself out for walks on her own as she couldn't remember not too, and is quite frail so it's a miracle really. I have found it very very hard to remove her from our lovely family home in the countryside which was a couple of hours drive away and move her into an urban setting close to me. I feel so much grief for taking her quiet, calm life, countryside life away from her but know it was the right thing to do as she could not have carried on. We will have to sell the house, but thankfully my sister will deal with clearing it and everything else.

Mum doesn't remember the car journey to drop her off thankfully and it was fairly awful just having to leave her outside the care home to be taken in by a stranger and made very hard by covid, not even having been inside the home, just a look on zoom.

However, on the plus side the home seems nice, mum is self-funding and I looked (on Zoom) round several and this was the only one which didn't make me feel depressed. It is modern and bright and most importantly they seemed caring and had lots of actiivities going on and put loads of things on Facebook which makes me see they are pro-active.

Visits so far have not been great - they do have a visiting pod with a screen and while the first few visits were ok as time has gone on, every time she sees me mum starts crying and gets very upset asking why she is there and wants to live with me. I get stressed leading up to the visits too. The home is now in lockdown as they had a case of covid - I think it must be a staff member as all residents have had the first jab, so I can't visit for another week - tried a video call, but she got very upset again. I can talk her round and rally her by reminding her I now only live 10 mins away, but feels like a bit of false hope really as with covid normal visits are a while off, I think she will struggle a bit with me having to wear a mask, even though we could hold hands - I would prefer to hug like in Scotland.

Anyway finally to point of my post!! Since moving in, no one from the home has called me with an update - perhaps because I have always rung them to ask how she is settling in. I was disappointed not to have had a call from the manager (who was very friendly and nice before she moved in) to have a catch up - but perhaps this is normal?

Despite the upset at my visits, I can see photos on Facebook of her joining in the activities, chair dancing with pom poms, afternoon tea, films at the cinema, flower arranging and she looks ok - not exactly happy, but more stimulated than sitting in her chair at home being anxious. I was told she was settling and had made a friend but did need lots of emotional reassurance eg where she was.

Yesterday after 3 weeks of her being there I got a phone call from someone I had never spoken to before saying that they wanted to move mum up to the dementia unit - she is on residential. Their reasons for this seemed to be that she had got out onto the patio (she wasn't trying to escape, she loves the outside and would have been going for a walk) and this was a fall-risk, that she needed lots of emotional support and there was not always a member of staff in the residents lounge but there was on dementia, and I was told that she was relying on another resident for emotional support and from what I can glean following her around and choosing the same lunch as her etc and I got the impression this was a bother to this resident (despite them reassuring me in the first week that she had made a friend - with another resident), she does struggle to know where her room is and goes into other people's rooms which must be annoying for them and I know she is up at night too.

So I got the impression (perhaps wrongly) that the main reasons were they didn't have enough staff to look after her on residential and she was being a bother to others, and not necessarily that it was mum they were thinking of.

They did say that she would get more emotional support on dementia as there was always a staff member there and they did more activities (mum is quite restless) and I think she gets bored just sitting in the lounge, so i can see the benefits.

However, having stalked Facebook photos I can see the residents on the wing they are suggesting seem much older than mum - she is 82 but very mobile and agile, and doesn't look that old - and I am worried they won't have much capacity and will cause mum to decline quicker. As with others who have VD she is still very aware and I know that she will see a room of very old, ill looking people and hate it (even more than she tells me she hates it now, thus making visits doubly stressful !) as the ladies where she is now seem bright and sprightly.

My concerns are that 3 weeks don't seem very long to make that decision, if it will truly help mum and is for the best and will give her some reassurance then I will see it as a good thing, but I don't feel I have built enough confidence in the home yet and feel they are taking this approach to make life easier for them and their other long-standing residents. I have emailed the manager and am due to have a talk to her today to address my concerns, I don't want to push for her to stay on residential if it is wrong for mum, but I am not sure of their motives. Mum is in a nice ground floor room overlooking a patio garden and half of me thinks they have got their eyes on it for another visiting room as it used to be their 'marketing suite'! But this could just be paranoia!

Anyway I feel better for having got that off my chest! Has anyone had any similar experiences with a care home? Perhaps a move to a dementia wing has been positive for your loved one? I would love to hear!

I have had a very similar experience and like you, I thought my mum would need to be on EMI unit and was suprised when they accepted her on to General Population. I think its very hard for staff but also families whose family members go into care in this covid time. The drop off in the car park, and feeling removed from their experience and not knowing the staff or other residents plus all the heart ache of visiting. For those of us who have put if off for years trying to keep loved ones at home I think its almost a double trauma. My mum was moved and actually is more settled. She was going outside alone down a flight of stairs which was a major worry. My mum gets along with one of the other ladies on her wing and its a quieter environment in a lot of ways as some residents too ill to mix in the communal areas. Yes, my mum has declined she can no longer walk or move and her speech is almost gone but its hard to know what that is down to totally. It could be natural progression of the disease or all the covid circumstances. Im travelling tomorrow for a pod visit against my better judgement but going to give it a go. Wish me luck! X

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

The CH mum was in decided she was 'more dementia than residential' after she'd been there a few months, and upped their charges! I also recall my mum being moved to a different floor against my wishes. They'd decided they wanted all the nursing cases/bedbound people on the ground floor and said mum had agreed to move upstairs. But when I saw her she absolutely didn't want to move - said they had shown her the other room and she hated it. On my next visit I found it was 'a done deal' and the admin lady (who seemed to run the place more than the manager) told me mum loved the new room and had been happy to move when asked. Of course, I have no way of knowing what mum actually said but one of the carers told me privately that they'd just gone in and moved mum's stuff to the new room while she was elsewhere then taken her there afterwards.

I was really annoyed but.... the room was virtually identical. Moving a plant from the old room to the new one convinced mum she'd always been there and as she didn't mix with others or do activities, it actually made little difference in the end. I still think mum was moved against her will, for their convenience.

However... (and you won't like this bit) a care home can only work if the residents are managed. The manager has to find a balance between the various individuals' wants and needs and situations are often fluid. Whereas your mum made friends with another resident at first and that person was happy with that, it's easy to imagine their feelings changing if your mum started following them, going in their room uninvited or just pestering them generally. Sadly, as your mum is probably less able to complain or articulate her wants/needs as well as the other resident, she is the one that gets moved.

It's hard to accept that in a care home, your loved one isn't put first and foremost as they were at home. The manager has to act in the interests of all. But they do have a point about your mum needing more supervision than they thought at first, so moving her could be in everyone's best interests. And like my mum, she may not find the change as difficult as you think.

 

[PinkSheep]

I have had a very similar experience and like you, I thought my mum would need to be on EMI unit and was suprised when they accepted her on to General Population. I think its very hard for staff but also families whose family members go into care in this covid time. The drop off in the car park, and feeling removed from their experience and not knowing the staff or other residents plus all the heart ache of visiting. For those of us who have put if off for years trying to keep loved ones at home I think its almost a double trauma. My mum was moved and actually is more settled. She was going outside alone down a flight of stairs which was a major worry. My mum gets along with one of the other ladies on her wing and its a quieter environment in a lot of ways as some residents too ill to mix in the communal areas. Yes, my mum has declined she can no longer walk or move and her speech is almost gone but its hard to know what that is down to totally. It could be natural progression of the disease or all the covid circumstances. Im travelling tomorrow for a pod visit against my better judgement but going to give it a go. Wish me luck! X

Glad your mum settled once moved, that is good to know. Hope your pod visit went ok - they are so hard aren’t they? Due to the covid case they had at mum's home, in person visits don't start until end March, not that I think they will be much easier, but I am trying to remain positive! They are starting mum on Mirtazapine to help with sleep and anxiety so I am hoping it works as she had a terrible reaction to Sertraline when living at home, but at least in the CH there will be someone to keep an eye on her so fingers crossed that helps with everything.

 

[PinkSheep]

The CH mum was in decided she was 'more dementia than residential' after she'd been there a few months, and upped their charges! I also recall my mum being moved to a different floor against my wishes. They'd decided they wanted all the nursing cases/bedbound people on the ground floor and said mum had agreed to move upstairs. But when I saw her she absolutely didn't want to move - said they had shown her the other room and she hated it. On my next visit I found it was 'a done deal' and the admin lady (who seemed to run the place more than the manager) told me mum loved the new room and had been happy to move when asked. Of course, I have no way of knowing what mum actually said but one of the carers told me privately that they'd just gone in and moved mum's stuff to the new room while she was elsewhere then taken her there afterwards.

I was really annoyed but.... the room was virtually identical. Moving a plant from the old room to the new one convinced mum she'd always been there and as she didn't mix with others or do activities, it actually made little difference in the end. I still think mum was moved against her will, for their convenience.

However... (and you won't like this bit) a care home can only work if the residents are managed. The manager has to find a balance between the various individuals' wants and needs and situations are often fluid. Whereas your mum made friends with another resident at first and that person was happy with that, it's easy to imagine their feelings changing if your mum started following them, going in their room uninvited or just pestering them generally. Sadly, as your mum is probably less able to complain or articulate her wants/needs as well as the other resident, she is the one that gets moved.

It's hard to accept that in a care home, your loved one isn't put first and foremost as they were at home. The manager has to act in the interests of all. But they do have a point about your mum needing more supervision than they thought at first, so moving her could be in everyone's best interests. And like my mum, she may not find the change as difficult as you think.

Yes you have hit the nail on the head with what happened with her friendships with the other residents, I am hopeful that the extra staff member in the dementia unit will give her the reassurances she needs and just hope it doesn't take too long for her to adapt. Had a quick chat to the home yesterday and they had got a member of staff from her old area to be with her on the first day of her move which makes me think she was reacting to it, but hopefully the benefits will outweigh the period of adjustment. Glad your mum adapted well to the change, it must be a bit of a balancing act to keep everyone happy! On the plus side the home has incubated and hatched out some chicks which the residents are handling, so that makes me happy!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Yes you have hit the nail on the head with what happened with her friendships with the other residents, I am hopeful that the extra staff member in the dementia unit will give her the reassurances she needs and just hope it doesn't take too long for her to adapt. Had a quick chat to the home yesterday and they had got a member of staff from her old area to be with her on the first day of her move which makes me think she was reacting to it, but hopefully the benefits will outweigh the period of adjustment. Glad your mum adapted well to the change, it must be a bit of a balancing act to keep everyone happy! On the plus side the home has incubated and hatched out some chicks which the residents are handling, so that makes me happy!

Chicks - how lovely! When I get dementia and my kids move me to a CH I'm going to insist on one where they bring in a box of kittens every week...

(Says she hopefully!)

 

[Frank24]

Glad your mum settled once moved, that is good to know. Hope your pod visit went ok - they are so hard aren’t they? Due to the covid case they had at mum's home, in person visits don't start until end March, not that I think they will be much easier, but I am trying to remain positive! They are starting mum on Mirtazapine to help with sleep and anxiety so I am hoping it works as she had a terrible reaction to Sertraline when living at home, but at least in the CH there will be someone to keep an eye on her so fingers crossed that helps with everything.

Thank you. My mums on Mirtazapine and has been for a long time. She didn’t have an adverse effects but not sure what is actually does! The visit was draining, and hard as expected. The only sentence mum managed was she hasn’t been able to work out why I haven’t been around. Heartbreaking x