I think that’s very common in carers, especially when they don’t live with the person....my heart used to drop when the phone rang for fear of what had possibly happened.
I so feel it would be a huge help to Dutchman if he could just see himself as a good and caring man who has been dealt the horrendous blow of a soul mate with dementia. we all know the torture of looking for a glimmer and translating it. But Dutchman doesn't need to feel guilty, it's truly heart breaking, but how to help him? It' seems to be of concern to the care home too, they can obviously see his pain and even they, who must be used to it, can't offer a solution. Only Dutchman can tackle this and having jettisoned his counsellor he is going it alone and is even more vulnerable. Lirene comforts Dutchman but I do wonder if is this a case of' sackcloth and ashes' Lireen, atoning for his 'sin' in allowing Bridget to go into a care home.. You seem to be able to offer Dutchman solice and comfort through your faith though Lirene, I hope it helps him."Good news. Went to the home this afternoon and Bridget is walking and talking and smiled at me. What a absolute relief."
That is what you said yesterday Peter. But Today you said
" if I could take away Bridget’s struggle and heartache with dementia, if I could really think that she’s content, well that would help."
Do you see the contradiction there? From what you have told us over recent weeks, it seems clear that Beatrice IS content, well settled and happy in her care home, and has the blessing that she will have forgotten the trauma of the hospital visit already, will not be worried about it happening again, You say you want to change places with her - BUT and it is a big BUT - If you did change places, then YOU would be the contented, well looked after one, while Beatrice would be 'home alone' missing you all day and night, worrying and fretting, suffering terrible anxieties, fearing what the future will bring.
You have done every possible thing to ensure your Wife's safety, comfort and contentment, though it has cost you dearly in terms of your own peace of mind. No man could have loved and done more - you have literally sacrificed your own life and chance of happiness to meet her needs. I so wish that you could realise this and see yourself as the hero that you are.
With you Peter. I’m lonely too, I think so many of us have this soul loneliness and it is torture for us. It’s all about getting through another day but not sure towards what ...I too feel very lonely at the moment and i can’t put my finger on why, in particular, today. I suppose it’s the accumulation of many little things and the combination of many grief feelings that i can’t come to terms with.
I don’t think i’ve lived one day since my wife left and went into the care home that i haven’t agonised over why, why us , why me, loads of regrets, loads of what ifs. You know, usual stuff.
I just don’t see an end to this and , on one hand i’d want it to stop, and it would if my wife died, but then i want her still around because i love and miss her so. What a mess! She doesn’t miss me at all as she doesn’t recognise me as her husband but i still hang on to the past and some resemblance of what she was to me before dementia. It’s torture every time i see her and then again when i come home to this empty house.
Keep posting please