OH has been in his Nursing Home since the beginning of August. He is settled and on the whole I am happy with his care.He sleeps a lot during the day and is often asleep when I visit. I am often greeted with either 'he was awake in the evening' or 'he wes asking for you earlier' from staff or 'if you can get him to eat drink get up or wash and dress that would be good' . Culminating today in after I had washed and dressed him got him to eat and drink and settled him down I reported as I left that he had complained of being sore down below the response was to fetch a tube of cream and asked to see if I could do it as he was difficult with them. I declined as I had settled him and didn't want to upset him and then leave.The reason he is there is because he wouldn't do all these things for me.However I feel terribly guilty still for not being there at the right time not visiting more and not caring for him full time. I still visit 4 times a week even though I now work full-time. Does this guilt ever go away?
Dear SoAlone,
I most certainly identify with what you are feeling guilt wise.
My husband is starting his 4th year in care and it has taken a long time with counselling included to get rid of some of the guilt I felt.
What we carers need to understand is that is not our fault or the fault of the person we care for.
They are ill and by the time care comes into the equation we have done all we can, sometimes at great cost to our own physical and mental health.Having said that I still have days when I think 'perhaps if I had done that.....' or this.... it might have made a difference. Logic says no but emotion is another thing.
Looking at you other comments regarding staff asking you to do personal care I really feel that they are taking liberties, after all they are the professionals, they should know how deal with PWD.
I do speak from experience, at first I used to spend long hours daily with my husband, even cleaning him (double incontinence) feeding him etc. I now understand that this was all part of my guilt trip but the staff let me do it and then it becomes expected, you become an unpaid carer in the home.I now no longer do this and if anything is not as I expect it to be I do not hesitate to see the Manager and refer to the Care Plan.
I did like your comment about knowing he wouldn't do the same for you, I must have married his twin. My husband always said that if I got ill he would kill me and put me in Saddleworth Moor and in all honesty I know he wasn't joking.
Look after yourself, be kind to yourself, it's not your fault and don't be pushed into doing personal care by the home, that's their job, you do what you want to and no more.
Kathy x