Guilt still so strong

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by SoAlone, Jan 26, 2019.

  1. SoAlone

    SoAlone Registered User

    May 19, 2016
    116
    Female
    Devon
    OH has been in his Nursing Home since the beginning of August. He is settled and on the whole I am happy with his care.He sleeps a lot during the day and is often asleep when I visit. I am often greeted with either 'he was awake in the evening' or 'he wes asking for you earlier' from staff or 'if you can get him to eat drink get up or wash and dress that would be good' . Culminating today in after I had washed and dressed him got him to eat and drink and settled him down I reported as I left that he had complained of being sore down below the response was to fetch a tube of cream and asked to see if I could do it as he was difficult with them. I declined as I had settled him and didn't want to upset him and then leave.The reason he is there is because he wouldn't do all these things for me.However I feel terribly guilty still for not being there at the right time not visiting more and not caring for him full time. I still visit 4 times a week even though I now work full-time. Does this guilt ever go away?
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,271
    Female
    South coast
    Oh, @SoAlone it is not your fault hun. You did not make him get dementia and its not your fault that he wouldnt let you do things. I suspect that what you call guilt is actually greif - regret and sadness that this has happened.


    PS - I think the care home has a cheek to ask you to cream him down below! This is most definitely not your job.
     
  3. Unhappy15

    Unhappy15 Registered User

    Feb 7, 2015
    131
    Dear SoAlone,
    I most certainly identify with what you are feeling guilt wise.
    My husband is starting his 4th year in care and it has taken a long time with counselling included to get rid of some of the guilt I felt.
    What we carers need to understand is that is not our fault or the fault of the person we care for.
    They are ill and by the time care comes into the equation we have done all we can, sometimes at great cost to our own physical and mental health.Having said that I still have days when I think 'perhaps if I had done that.....' or this.... it might have made a difference. Logic says no but emotion is another thing.
    Looking at you other comments regarding staff asking you to do personal care I really feel that they are taking liberties, after all they are the professionals, they should know how deal with PWD.
    I do speak from experience, at first I used to spend long hours daily with my husband, even cleaning him (double incontinence) feeding him etc. I now understand that this was all part of my guilt trip but the staff let me do it and then it becomes expected, you become an unpaid carer in the home.I now no longer do this and if anything is not as I expect it to be I do not hesitate to see the Manager and refer to the Care Plan.
    I did like your comment about knowing he wouldn't do the same for you, I must have married his twin. My husband always said that if I got ill he would kill me and put me in Saddleworth Moor and in all honesty I know he wasn't joking.
    Look after yourself, be kind to yourself, it's not your fault and don't be pushed into doing personal care by the home, that's their job, you do what you want to and no more.
    Kathy x
     
  4. SoAlone

    SoAlone Registered User

    May 19, 2016
    116
    Female
    Devon
    Canary, I think you are right, I think and feel that I am grieving in a way and have heard others in my situation say with Dementia it starts long before they pass away as they gradually slip from your partnership. I do want to care for him and I would love to have him home but we have tried that and he nearly starved himself and I nearly had a breakdown before we got any help and Best Interest Meeting decided I couldn't care for him alone.The thing for me was if his physical needs were met by a Nursing home then I could be his wife and re establish some degree of the relationship we once had. This has happened but of late I have felt under pressure to be there more and do more. I am almost as tired and stressed as I was 12 months ago when he was home
     
  5. SoAlone

    SoAlone Registered User

    May 19, 2016
    116
    Female
    Devon
    #5 SoAlone, Jan 26, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2019
    Thank you for your response . My journey has been much as you say, as you will tell from my reply to Canary. I t think you misunderstood when I said he wouldn't do things for me. I meant he wouldn't allow me to care for him, although if I am honest I don't think he could have provided care for me if situation was reversed. Lucky for him and me I was much younger and able to deal with it albeit at an emotional cost to us both. This journey with loved ones with Dementia tests us all to the limit. Take care and thank you again for your reply
     
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,271
    Female
    South coast
    To be honest, it doesnt sound as though this home is able to meet his needs now.
     
  7. SoAlone

    SoAlone Registered User

    May 19, 2016
    116
    Female
    Devon
    I am hoping that isn't the case as he is settled but I won't let standards slide as your reply has helped me to feel that it isn't me being unreasonable
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.