Controlling brother

[silver lady]

My mum's in mid stage Alzheimers. My brother has lived with mum and dad for 12 years, dad passed away 7 years ago. Since dad passed the brother has used his debit card to pay some of his bills, he took on online banking when it was all put in to mum's name and has moved moneys around. This only came to light when I, my sister and younger brother took POA. The brother who lives there didn't want to be involved with the POA, probably because he knew we'd find out what he was doing.

Since then he barricades the door to stop us using our key to get in whenever it's possible for us to visit, he says he wants his privacy. He used to unplug the phone, I believe that was to stop debtors ringing to get hold of him, there's always debt letters arriving there.

I confronted him about it and he unleashed a lot of personal insults so I don't go when he's there. He's gone on holiday this week, of which he didn't let us know until the last minute so we're having to organise our work around mum. She's lost a lot of weight, I don't know for certain what she eats when he's there, but when we do go and make food for her she says she's not hungry or she's not interested in anything.

I took advantage of him being away and have just had the doctor visit her to give her a general wellbeing check, we need to make appointment for bloods. We shouldn't have to creep around to arrange these appointments but if we do it when he's there he thinks we're interfering. He got mum to change her will before her diagnosis to say he could stay as long as he wants in the house when she dies, so he's been changing the flooring and other things as he says 'It'll make it easier when I try to sell it'.

For everything he's doing to make it uncomfortable for us visiting, I am angry that he's going to get away with all my dad's lifetime of hard work and live freely in a house my dad wanted us all to benefit from, and especially when the brother used to wish him dead when he was very ill.

We would be able to monitor mum properly if he wasn't there with her feeds and liquid intake but nobody seems to be interested in helping us, even social services.

 

[Beate]

You could be radical and sell the house. Unless he has a financial stake in it, what's he going to do? Wills only come into being upon a person's death, if a property gets sold to pay a person's care fees, tough. Your mother could then reside in a care home free from his influence, and be properly looked after.
I take it you have taken away any means of him getting to any of your mother's money?

 

[Duggies-girl]

My mum's in mid stage Alzheimers. My brother has lived with mum and dad for 12 years, dad passed away 7 years ago. Since dad passed the brother has used his debit card to pay some of his bills, he took on online banking when it was all put in to mum's name and has moved moneys around. This only came to light when I, my sister and younger brother took POA. The brother who lives there didn't want to be involved with the POA, probably because he knew we'd find out what he was doing.

Since then he barricades the door to stop us using our key to get in whenever it's possible for us to visit, he says he wants his privacy. He used to unplug the phone, I believe that was to stop debtors ringing to get hold of him, there's always debt letters arriving there.

I confronted him about it and he unleashed a lot of personal insults so I don't go when he's there. He's gone on holiday this week, of which he didn't let us know until the last minute so we're having to organise our work around mum. She's lost a lot of weight, I don't know for certain what she eats when he's there, but when we do go and make food for her she says she's not hungry or she's not interested in anything.

I took advantage of him being away and have just had the doctor visit her to give her a general wellbeing check, we need to make appointment for bloods. We shouldn't have to creep around to arrange these appointments but if we do it when he's there he thinks we're interfering. He got mum to change her will before her diagnosis to say he could stay as long as he wants in the house when she dies, so he's been changing the flooring and other things as he says 'It'll make it easier when I try to sell it'.

For everything he's doing to make it uncomfortable for us visiting, I am angry that he's going to get away with all my dad's lifetime of hard work and live freely in a house my dad wanted us all to benefit from, and especially when the brother used to wish him dead when he was very ill.

We would be able to monitor mum properly if he wasn't there with her feeds and liquid intake but nobody seems to be interested in helping us, even social services.

I like that suggestion @Beate Yes if you and your other brother have POA you can sell the house and put your mum in a care home (sounds as if she would be better off in one) That way the controlling brother would have to sling his hook as they say.

You would need mums permission if she still has capacity though.

Stand up for yourselves and your mum, he sounds like a bully.

 

[love.dad.but..]

You have to stand up to him as your mum's advocate and attorney. I think Beate has the solution ...if she has capacity talk to her about it and emphasise the advantages for her...if she doesn't have mental capacity I would seriously think about it as her attorney in her best interests....she is not being allowed quality of life even or especially within her alzheimers and it sounds already that she needs better care and funds from her house sale would do afford that for the time being. Remove immediately any access he had to her finances...his controlling of your mum borders on abuse through neglect imo. If he is not caring for her properly either because he does not want to or is inadequate your mother must be safeguarded and I would consider getting GP and SS involved again...bang hard on their door...as well by law she is entitled to a full care needs assessment.Do you also have health poa? If she has lost capacity it is a legal tool for you to insist that you have access to see and monitor your mums health and well being and make decisions to ensure that happens. Can only be used if she has lost meaningful capacity though

 

[Tin]

You need to take away the house, although to remove your brother from the property you will probably have to go down the road for eviction. place your mother in a suitable care home, after all your priority is to see that she receives proper care, even if this means you all lose your inheritance. The right and only thing to do and now. Sorry I know this is harsh advice, but you have the PofA. He is stuck in the mind set of thinking that he will be able to carry on as he is, with no concern for your mother's welfare or future.

If nothing else, at least look at care homes and finances required, also your brother's legal status and rights to continue living in the house while your mother is residing in a care home. The Will and any changes mean nothing until she passes away, so do not feel threatened by his statements. You have the legal power to sort this, sorry, think I am beginning to repeat myself.

 

[Duggies-girl]

My mum's in mid stage Alzheimers. My brother has lived with mum and dad for 12 years, dad passed away 7 years ago. Since dad passed the brother has used his debit card to pay some of his bills, he took on online banking when it was all put in to mum's name and has moved moneys around. This only came to light when I, my sister and younger brother took POA. The brother who lives there didn't want to be involved with the POA, probably because he knew we'd find out what he was doing.

Since then he barricades the door to stop us using our key to get in whenever it's possible for us to visit, he says he wants his privacy. He used to unplug the phone, I believe that was to stop debtors ringing to get hold of him, there's always debt letters arriving there.

I confronted him about it and he unleashed a lot of personal insults so I don't go when he's there. He's gone on holiday this week, of which he didn't let us know until the last minute so we're having to organise our work around mum. She's lost a lot of weight, I don't know for certain what she eats when he's there, but when we do go and make food for her she says she's not hungry or she's not interested in anything.

I took advantage of him being away and have just had the doctor visit her to give her a general wellbeing check, we need to make appointment for bloods. We shouldn't have to creep around to arrange these appointments but if we do it when he's there he thinks we're interfering. He got mum to change her will before her diagnosis to say he could stay as long as he wants in the house when she dies, so he's been changing the flooring and other things as he says 'It'll make it easier when I try to sell it'.

For everything he's doing to make it uncomfortable for us visiting, I am angry that he's going to get away with all my dad's lifetime of hard work and live freely in a house my dad wanted us all to benefit from, and especially when the brother used to wish him dead when he was very ill.

We would be able to monitor mum properly if he wasn't there with her feeds and liquid intake but nobody seems to be interested in helping us, even social services.

Your brother appears to be freeloading with a view to keeping the house for himself. Even if he had the right to live in it when she dies he should not have the right to sell it unless the will has been changed in his favour which you should look into in my opinion.

I think that a visit to the local CAB is warranted at the very least to find out your brothers rights or not. I don't think adult children living with parents have rights, she can probably evict him if she can be persuaded.

 

[try again]

It's difficult to give any advice when families are feuding. Your brother must be commended for looking after your parents but your only recourse is to seek legal advice if he has been misusing your parents assets.