I find asking for help so difficult, I think I push friends away. I feel I’m in pain and need help but my friend doesn’t even ask how I am so I don’t contact her cos I’m hurt but this just makes me more isolated. X
'Emergency respite' comes about when there is no other choice, despite all the deeply felt intent and emotional turmoil which accompanies that predicament. So there is no 'guilt' whatsoever, but perhaps that nagging frustration mixed with heartache that this has to take place at all. 'Best interests' is again a rathersimple phrase, albeit a proper one and 'emergency respite' looks to that outcome. And when people and friends offer help in a genuine way, that will stem from goodwill and a
meaningful attempt at offering solace.
But the actual reality of living with or caring for a loved one subject to dementia resides elsewhere, in another dimension. In fact, you have to offer up the whole package, with all the angst, the muddle, the pain, the emotional and psychological realities, plus the personal 'history' of both parties, and
transport that in to the one who is offering to take over that burden of care, in order that they can
glimpse just precisely what it is you are dealing with, day to day, month after month, year after year. And that is not possible. And so you carry on, because you feel that there is no other course to take
and because the love between two people transcends fatigue, despair and sheer endeavour. Also, it
is often difficult for friends to approach dementia in another, like when approaching someone we know who has just lost a loved one and it is easier to cross to the other side of the road, rather than
confront and perhaps feel unable to say the right thing at the right time.
So 'emergency respite' - with all its heartfelt elements, felt at the time - should address the 'unknown' factors, provide some perspective and enable a way forward, for all the family. Dementia in all its forms sets up a huge challenge, always, for those who care. It becomes
the life of those who are afflicted by the disease and we always have to respect that, at all times, even when we, as carers, feel wholly redundant and alone.
And as each and every case is different, we try not to draw comparisons, because one can never, ever inhabit another soul, nor feel their pain or anguish, for they might choose to show no sign of such.
But we can share what we know in ourselves to be true about our own stories. And that holds immense value, in as much as it being authentic, and for the most part, told from the heart.