Hi restpite a disaster took oh to care home yesterday just in time for tea carer took him from me , everything fine he went in smiling left ,had a lovely evening with daughter and son in law .went home packed my case ready for overnight trip .had a bit of restless night thinking of o h .got out of bed thinking not heard anything so all must be ok , got myself ready lovely only myself to think about .then disaster phone rang oh care home can you come and sit with husband for a little while he upset only tried to strangle one of careres .and trying to escape and and swearing . So I went and he was so distressed I fetched him home ,must admit he took a while to settle but ok now .so what now think to soon for over night stays.any advise .must admit I feel angry after all the thoughts not going then yes I am going .but it was so out of character he is usaly quiet .
Restpite a disaster
- Thread starter Paperweight
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Sorry, no advice for you Paperweight. As I'm trying to arrange respite myself I can only offer sympathy for your bitter disappointment and distress.
Sorry to hear you didn’t manage to get your break! I haven’t tried respite yet as I don’t think OH would agree to it! I certainly feel I need a break there is no end to it! You have my sympathy.
So sorry this happened . My husband went into respite for one week and when i went to collect him he wouldn't even look at me. Turns out he had been difficult to look after and obviously not happy. So I decided not to do the respite thing again. Then about 6 months later our young niece died and i had to go to her funeral. I was devastated by the news. Needed to go. so I arranged for my lovely man to go into respite this time for 2 weeks. In a different care home to the other one. It was the worse thing i could have done and never got over the distress I had put him through. I had to bring him home after 1 week. I will not go into details but it was definitely the worse thing I have ever done. I cannot advise you really other than to say maybe you could find a care home that he could go to 1 day a week to see if he enjoys that. Then maybe he will be ok when he feels safe there. I do wish you luck. We all need a break from the job of caring. It is so difficult. But there are good places for respite. Try to find out from your social worker. They usually know of any complaints or praise!!!. I wish you well.xx
Thank you for your reply I most appriciate it .it has been a terrible day he was so angry when he came home ,I must say I have had lots of support from our daughters and my two sisters .i hope he will still go to his day care .it is not at ch where he was staying .he did go to ch for a few weeks before so I thought he would be OK .i have a appointment with social worker next week so see what they say .thank you so much for your advise and kind words .
Sorry to hear what happened Paperweight but it's a story I've seen happen more than once, respite can affect some people that way.
The carers at the home hate it when the home take on the occasional respite case, it can work out well but it can go wrong too.
Shortest time was a lady who lasted about 4 hours before they called the family to collect her by then she'd bit, kicked or bitten just about every member of staff and a couple of the residents, soon as the family arrived she was nice as pie and the family couldn't see what the problem was.
My feeling is that the more physical and mental capacity someone has the less the chances are that it will go well, the ones with little or no capacity neither know nor care where they are so they're not a problem, the ones with more capacity can and that's the problem.
Sorry it didn't work out for you.
K
The carers at the home hate it when the home take on the occasional respite case, it can work out well but it can go wrong too.
Shortest time was a lady who lasted about 4 hours before they called the family to collect her by then she'd bit, kicked or bitten just about every member of staff and a couple of the residents, soon as the family arrived she was nice as pie and the family couldn't see what the problem was.
My feeling is that the more physical and mental capacity someone has the less the chances are that it will go well, the ones with little or no capacity neither know nor care where they are so they're not a problem, the ones with more capacity can and that's the problem.
Sorry it didn't work out for you.
K
I must say it has been the worst day of my life I felt so guilty when I saw how distressed he was I realy felt I had let him down .but I must admit he has forgot it now .i know it sounds silly but he seems to have changed he is usually so quiet he is dancing and talking to tv and keeps trying to tell me something .this illness is so cruel .
I wish you good luck nae sporran and hope it works out for you .i must admit I did have a lovely night with my daughter and son in law.so at least I got one night
T
Thanks Paperweight. I hope you won't let the guilt get to you and it is good you got some comfort from one night out with family.
Thanks Paperweight. I hope you won't let the guilt get to you and it is good you got some comfort from one night out with family.
When I got my husband in the car to take him home he started to sing "We're off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of oz" . All the way home.!!xx
The behaviour was possibly caused by fear @Paperweight. What a pity.
Is there any chance your husband could have day care at the same home you booked for overnight respite? It would help the staff to get to know him and help him to become familiar with the home.
Very sorry to hear that there was such a reaction to the planned break. Alas, not something unheard of.. Any 'change' in environment poses potential problems with dementia. I have seen residents seriously unsettled when having to vacate a lounge in order for it to be cleansed. Dementia plays on the senses in varied ways and often with quite pronounced outcomes. Respite can be a very good thing - if it works? Planning ahead, making quite sure that the facility has expertise on dementia, not just awareness - but specialist care - also that the loved one has frequented a chosen facility, where Carers and environment and regime has proven to be to their liking, .i.e. they feel safe and 'settled' in that environment. All of this takes a little time, but can result in a positive outcome. Preparation is the key in all of this. But we are all different and that is the crux. There are no templates to success. Some family members ensure that a a relation or close friend attend daycare with a loved one, if they cannot be present themselves. Respite is really a precursor to eventual residential care. This mention of 'capacity' is important. Some dementias retain an awareness of situation, which can be difficult. This is why it is imperative to assess very thoroughly, have the GP check things out to gain a true perspective on any decision prior to respite. But the actual managing of our loved one, when things become very difficult and approach a point of no return, then you really have little choice. My own experience was with 'emergency respite'. I prefer not to detail events because it was deeply unpleasant and does not require re-telling in this context. However, the first few hours were difficult for the Carers, my mother was very unsettled - shouting, lashing out, et al - but the Care Home were not only aware of dementia, they were 'hands on' specialists in all dementias and thus able to manage the situation come what may. They knew how to address aggression or physical presentations without consequence and without having to call in family members - albeit that they ALWAYS kept me informed at every stage of this initial 'respite'. There was a period in which my mother eventually became 'settled' - three months. So the respite which entails a desire for the carer to benefit from a well deserved short break, is quite challenging, simply owing to the fact that dementia dislikes 'change'. But it should not be impossible. It seems perhaps reasonable to look at an ongoing 'routine' of attendance (Care Home/Daycare) whereby a genuine 'comfort' factor comes into play and the possibility of a short term stay then becomes viable. But I truly appreciate the reluctance of anyone not wishing to repeat a traumatic exercise, unpleasant and upsetting for all concerned.
I do hope that you can arrange a potentially more untroubled respite in the near future. Something which you not only deserve, but which is really an undeniable right.
I am very afraid of respite in a care home after two disasters in hospitals - so I’m planning respite at home - when /if needed .
My sister will come and stay - or a carer that I am employing occasionally (he is so popular can’t get him here more than 2 hours a week) / So between a well trained carer and our dog Lucy the whippet - I hope it will work !!
A nurse friend in England suggested I sleep at home the first night - but stay out of sight!!
She tells me you have a service in UK called “Nightingale “ where someone sleeps over like that? Do you know if something like that ??
All the best + Cheers MJ
My sister will come and stay - or a carer that I am employing occasionally (he is so popular can’t get him here more than 2 hours a week) / So between a well trained carer and our dog Lucy the whippet - I hope it will work !!
A nurse friend in England suggested I sleep at home the first night - but stay out of sight!!
She tells me you have a service in UK called “Nightingale “ where someone sleeps over like that? Do you know if something like that ??
All the best + Cheers MJ
Thanks everyone for all your advice sympathy about restpite .oh been to his regular daycare today and he has been fine ,we even had a lovely walk round a water park and had a ice cream .how we have to treasure these lovley moments .
I hope this all works out for you. I did not have anyone that David could be left with. 2 hours a week from a carer who had been coming for about 2 years. But my husband would rage and be nasty and I could not have gone out and left him much longer than that. No family near by. So that meant no regular contact with a family member that he might have accepted.So apart from the 2 hours and twice failed respite, I could not get a break. My husband would not have anyone in the house.xxx
I hope he changes for you - I notice my OH changes - Small changes but gradually they amount to sometime better.
I do hope some relief happens.
Could you find a “carer” who is male and justcompanion person? My husband likes his male carer best - but thinks he is just a new friend!
I do hope some relief happens.
Could you find a “carer” who is male and justcompanion person? My husband likes his male carer best - but thinks he is just a new friend!
Hello Mudgee. My husband is now in a nursing home. He has been there one year now. I wish there was a way for people to be sure to get good respite. My husband went the first time for 1 week, and wasn't quite so bad as when he went to a different place the second respite. The problem with that was I needed to go to a funeral in the West country and didn't have long enough to look around or be to choosy. Never the less I had no idea that the home he went to would be so bad. The nursing home he is in now is excellent thank goodness. After months of him being extremely difficult the staff have managed to get his trust and I know he likes them all. As far as it goes he is as happy as I think I can hope for. Good luck to everyone trying to get respite I know it is difficult.xxx
Thanks @Casbow - all the information helps. I am Not prepared for an emergency at this stage and live in a town with 3 care homes- not easy to get something great !! MJ xx
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