Not my ‘loved one’ - but I care

[TheCoachman]

I care about / for my 93 year old mum - who is in early stage dementia. Both my parents were totally self centred snobs - so I left home after a levels and got on with my life. After my dad died my mother asked if a could find her a home near me. I found an over 50s flat and managed the sale of her house , purchase of flat and the move. She’s been living here for 6years now and in last 6months has been showing many signs of early dementia (confirmed by GP).

I CARE for my mum (POA twice, all her shopping, take her to her hospital appointments, take her out for the day in the car every Tuesday, bring her to my own home EVERY Sunday for a roast dinner and take her for coffee every Thursday when I finish teaching. I also manage all the incidents e.g. when she turns the thermostat to 30 and forgets to turn it down, the little incontinence accidents, the not charging her hearing aids - But I don't love her - so please agencies stop calling her my ’loved one’!!

Mum has never socialised or had friends (other than my father), is a snob, called the one carer I got in for an hour a week to clean and help her “the servant” won’t go to any groups, won’t acknowledge she has dementia or that she ever forgets things or get confused - and sees me as her best (and only) friend - wants me to do everything, refuses completely to allow me to get in anyone else to help her.

I would feel sad for anyone in her position and caring towards them - BUT won’t sacrifice myself for her - that may sound callous (so many lives are sacrificed to care for someone with dementia). So I dread the journey ahead. I’ve read everything, found my way through the referral go round, worked out all the ‘support’ agencies and all the things they DONT do (loads and loads of fact sheets though ;-)
I’ve learned not to say “I cannot do that” and instead say “I won’t do that” …. And I have found this brilliant group and the helpline to keep me going and help me maintain my resolve.

Above all at the moment I dread all the fights ahead. I do everything to keep her mood up (she says “I don’t want to be here - I want to die!) - but then I have to talk about carers coming in and she bursts into tears / clams up - goes back into “I am such a burden“ - which she is, or says “I feel so guilty all the things you do” - I dread employing people and her kicking them out , I dread all those phone calls about ’emergencies’ that are a pretext to getting me to drive over - and find nothing wrong… I dread the long long journey ahead, the fights , the frustrations - until she ends up in hospital (she has sensory impairment but no other health conditions / on no medication) forcing Social services to access her and say she doesn’t have mental capacity and must accept carers or go into a home.

i know this is a rant - there are many saints out there who sacrifice their lives to their loved ones but there must also be many children drawn in to supporting unappreciative and unloving parents in a rubbish system … whew … sorry but getting things ‘off the chest’ is sometimes the only way of coping!
peter

 

[RM3]

Hi @TheCoachman. Although I have nothing of value to respond with. I just wanted to say what an honest and open post this is. I hope that it gave you some relief to say it out loud (as such).
That is the great thing about the anonymity on here.
This is such a supportive forum and there is so much empathy and compassion.
You can genuinely say it, as it is.
By the way, you sound to be really going above and beyond, especially considering your feelings.
I hope you find this forum a good sounding board and I wish you lots of strength 😌

 

[Kevinl]

All here to listen, read or whatever, it isn't an easy job being a carer, especially as unlike a profession we have an emotional involvement too, makes it so much harder I think. K

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi @TheCoachman I can empathize with your situation. My mother in law was like this. Our situation was that she was on her own in her own home widowed very young. Both her and my father in law had physically and emotionally abused my husband and his sister throughout childhood and into adulthood. Both my husband and his sister decided that they would never under any circumstances provide hands on care for their mother. This decision was made way before the dementia diagnosis . My sister in law moved abroad and much of dealing with my mother in law was left to us. My husband and I had POA for finances and health and as she was self-funding we organised carers and eventually a care home ourselves with no input whatsoever from social services. We kept very much at a distance and let professionals deal with her. Not everyone has a loving family.

 

[cymbid]

i hear you, Though i care for my mother , do her banking , visit her regulary etc I do not want to dedicate my life to her. I nursed my late husband through cancer for 2 years (and was honoured to do so) but do not want hands on care with my mother.

She woould not accept a cleaner or a carer ....Only me and my brother .

She would care for my father at the end . He was little trouble and wanted to come home to die but she refused . Never gave me any support with my late husband either .

She is in hospital just now , broken hip and memory loss has got worse lately . Im hoping she is moved to residential care . IAm I heartless, maybe

 

[Kevinl]

No you are not heartless otherwise you wouldn't be on here still caring.
Well done you and thank you for posting so honestly, it isn't easy. K

 

[Kated1]

It’s such a relief to hear someone saying what I am thinking , so thank you for being so brave and honest.
I have POA for my stepmother who prior to my Dad dying 2 years ago had not wanted anything to do with me and had spent that last 30 years basically ignoring me or occasionally being downright rude and unpleasant to me. The reason I have POA is that there was literally no one else willing to take it on and I live quite close geographically. The dementia diagnosis was hidden from me prior to my Dad dying and I am not sure I would have agreed had I known.( actually I probably would have as although we are not close I could not leave an elderly and vulnerable person to sink, it’s not in my nature)
I do everything, admin, paying bills , organising full time live in care , organising repairs , coordinating with mental health team etc but I dont love her and she does not love me, unless she needs something from me then it’s all , oh darling ! . I feel sorry for her and know that the POA means I am responsible for her and do I do everything I can to make sure she is as healthy as possible and does not want for anything. I could never let her suffer and I know if I hadn’t stepped in she would probably be either in a care home or not in the world anymore .
So I also care. but I don’t enjoy spending time with her , so I do what needs to be done to the best of my ability and hope that is enough x

 

[SherwoodSue]

I have a warm relationship with my mum and had a secure loving childhood. Nevertheless I find the caring role taxing and not equally shared between the siblings.
How folks steel themselves to keep going when there isn’t a loving past to motivate them I just don’t know. If this is you poster, or reader I salute you.
You are an amazing human being.