Frustrated and failing to get mother to bathe
I started this thread a couple of months back when I was trying to get my mother to bathe/shower. I managed it for about three weeks (once a week on Friday) and then I had to go away on business (which I do fairly regularly, unfortunately) and when I came back, it was as if she had forgotten all the progress we had made. She has either refused point blank to be showered, or been fast asleep in bed in the early evenings when I have come around to try. I have a key to her flat. (Hard to tell if she is doing it deliberately, as she tears up and bins the reminder cards I place around her flat, or if she genuinely forgets I am coming and just goes to bed - she has odd sleeping hours as many old people do. ) I have made a 'fake' doctor's form with her surgery's logo etc with dates and space for signature, put it high on the wall and told her she needs to let me see her shower so I don't get into trouble at the doctor's for not looking after her properly. But she just shrugs as if she is not bothered.
I am running ouf of threats! I've even tried the 'if you can't prove you can keep yourself clean then you will have to go into a home" threat. She loves her sheltered accommodation and would hate to be cooped up in a home - but she simply says "Well I willl go into a home then!" She really reminds me of an awkward five year old crossed with a sulky teenager!
I am not sure where to go from here. I mean - she is a bit smelly but doesn't actually look dirty. I try to get her clothes off her once a week to clean them, but it was easier when I could get her into the shower - then I could sneak them into a bag to take home and clean.
The one thing I haven't said is "people say you smell!" Should I try that one, or would she just shrug that one off too? I have also thought of bribing her - I take her out to a supermarket cafe every other day for a trip outside and to get shopping. I thought I could say: "if we can shower you first, then we can go out to the shops". And if she refuses to let me shower her, then I simply don't take her out. I would of course get her shopping etc, but not take her out with me. Is that cruel? Should I disregard that option? I know her condition means she cannot process things and so is that an unkind strategy doomed to failure?
I also thought of having a quiet word with her doctor to see if he/she could convince her, if I made her an appointment. She doesn't go regularly to the doctor's now she has been diagnosed as there is nothing they can do and she hasn't got anything else wrong with her apart from dementia, but I could request they give her a check up I suppose.
Carers have tried and failed. My mother is not incontient and can eat and drink OK. Am I making too big a thing of this trying to bathe her once a week? If I continuously fail, would we have to consider a home?
I started this thread a couple of months back when I was trying to get my mother to bathe/shower. I managed it for about three weeks (once a week on Friday) and then I had to go away on business (which I do fairly regularly, unfortunately) and when I came back, it was as if she had forgotten all the progress we had made. She has either refused point blank to be showered, or been fast asleep in bed in the early evenings when I have come around to try. I have a key to her flat. (Hard to tell if she is doing it deliberately, as she tears up and bins the reminder cards I place around her flat, or if she genuinely forgets I am coming and just goes to bed - she has odd sleeping hours as many old people do. ) I have made a 'fake' doctor's form with her surgery's logo etc with dates and space for signature, put it high on the wall and told her she needs to let me see her shower so I don't get into trouble at the doctor's for not looking after her properly. But she just shrugs as if she is not bothered.
I am running ouf of threats! I've even tried the 'if you can't prove you can keep yourself clean then you will have to go into a home" threat. She loves her sheltered accommodation and would hate to be cooped up in a home - but she simply says "Well I willl go into a home then!" She really reminds me of an awkward five year old crossed with a sulky teenager!
I am not sure where to go from here. I mean - she is a bit smelly but doesn't actually look dirty. I try to get her clothes off her once a week to clean them, but it was easier when I could get her into the shower - then I could sneak them into a bag to take home and clean.
The one thing I haven't said is "people say you smell!" Should I try that one, or would she just shrug that one off too? I have also thought of bribing her - I take her out to a supermarket cafe every other day for a trip outside and to get shopping. I thought I could say: "if we can shower you first, then we can go out to the shops". And if she refuses to let me shower her, then I simply don't take her out. I would of course get her shopping etc, but not take her out with me. Is that cruel? Should I disregard that option? I know her condition means she cannot process things and so is that an unkind strategy doomed to failure?
I also thought of having a quiet word with her doctor to see if he/she could convince her, if I made her an appointment. She doesn't go regularly to the doctor's now she has been diagnosed as there is nothing they can do and she hasn't got anything else wrong with her apart from dementia, but I could request they give her a check up I suppose.
Carers have tried and failed. My mother is not incontient and can eat and drink OK. Am I making too big a thing of this trying to bathe her once a week? If I continuously fail, would we have to consider a home?