Mum's life and organising funeral and things

[Grannie G]

Your mother`s story is fascinating @jugglingmum.

We rarely get to know anything about our people with dementia other than the progression of their illness and you have done your mum a service by allowing us to know more of her.

I`m pleased her funeral went well. It sounds as if you will still be juggling and I hope you will be able to have some `me time` even though you might still be on the treadmill and may not realise the need for it yet.

 

[canary]

Im glad the funeral went as well as it could.
You have had so much to do - birthday cards in on place in the room and sympathy cards in another must be quite a jolt.
You dont have to do the finances straight away. When mum died OH had a stroke 4 days before the funeral, so financial stuff got delayed several weeks, but it was OK

 

[jugglingmum]

Well I haven't posted on this thread as planned but it's due an update.

For 9 and a half years I was juggling looking after mum, kids and work whilst trying to retain a semblance of my own life.

At one point little was left of my life. Kids sporting endeavours stole the final chunk. - which is what happens in a sporty family. Youngest went to uni yesterday so that's another bit of life on its way back.

I've still got mum's paperwork to do, very little done of a complex set of affairs with a busy summer so that is actually more work not less for now.

Son was originally due to go to an English uni in 4 weeks so packing has been rushed. Somehow son dealt with uni clearing whilst on a scout expedition in Holland. He has a commitment next weekend so will be coming home by train and we need to run him to and from station so plans we'd made for next weekend have been parked. He's going to need support from afar for a good few weeks but at least a lot less washing.

My MIL in Scotland 3.5 hours away had a fall the night of my mum's funeral. OH got a call on the Sat as we're preparing for son's party. (On floor for 6 hours, pendant on bedside table etc) The need for OH to have input to his mum's care has really stressed me just when no thought things might get easier. It's all very complex. I personally don't think his mum is safe at home anymore. One of her friends hasnt been fully truthful, his sister has promised she can stay at home combined with difficult personalities and family history mean it's heading for a difficult to navigate crisis. I'm pretty convinced his mum has dementia but she'd never agree to the memory clinic and manages enough hostess mode for blinkered OH to blame all issues on she's old and that's how people are at that age.

So some light at end of tunnel of life resuming

 

[canary]

Well, youve certainly got a plateful there @jugglingmum 😲

Hope your son settles in uni.
Im sorry to hear about your MIL - in view of the family dynamics I think you may have to take a back seat over this

I hope that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train coming the other way
xx

 

[jugglingmum]

I hope that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train coming the other way

sorry I didn't reply to this, it did make me laugh and worry what if.

I think I've been run over by several trains this year, although not dementia related so not posted on here about them.

I'm hoping the train has been and gone.

OH finally visited his mum a couple of weeks ago. MIL has her name down on the waiting list for 2 local homes that are 'nice' - apparently there are spaces at another one but not deemed the right one. Her GP and all her local friends/support network have been urging her to move to a care home.

I think some of the issues we've had recently with multiple calls from MIL's support network are that they are at the end of their tether with supporting her and frustrated with OH's sister for not wanting MIL to move into a care home. It turns out that MIL isn't completely adverse to a care home, but SIL is.

OH had a conversation with his sister where she commented something about trying to persuade MIL she doesn't need a care home which he wasn't happy about.

Previously to that SIL sent a long email detailing various issues as she perceived them but as she is in the US she can't action any of them.

Whilst we were away last week OH got a text from one of MIL's support network to say as much of her support network are away in the second half of October MIL is booked in for 2 weeks respite from 15th October - it gave the name of a carehome but OH doesn't remember which one is which, but we are presuming it is the one with spaces. The message said his sister is aware.

Hopefully MIL will be OK in respite and a place will come up in one of her preferred care homes.

 

[Sarasa]

I think you need to try and ignore SiL as much as possible. If she isn't on hand there isn't a great deal she can do about things on a practical level anyway.
How's your son settling in at uni?

 

[jugglingmum]

I think you need to try and ignore SiL as much as possible. If she isn't on hand there isn't a great deal she can do about things on a practical level anyway.

The trouble is that MIL is being persuaded to go in a care home by her local support network and then SIL is phoning MIL and encouraging MIL to remain at home, she phones MIL weekly. We understand her GP has been recommending a care home for a good 6 months. I understand the 3 ladies (aged 80 to late 60s) who support MIL were furious with SIL after her visit to MIL in June for promising MIL she wouldn't have to go into a care home.

I'm not sure why, OH thinks it is SIL having rose tinted spectacles and thinking MIL will be happier in her own home, with views that she likes, I wonder if it is financial as SIL is divorced and a lot poorer than she was when married and can't afford the life she bacame accustomed to. The email she sent in early July went on about repairing the house wasn't an issue - but no idea who she thinks will do it. OH pointedly told her she can email builders from the US as she is expecting the support network to do this.

SIL has no appreciation that OH works (4 days a week using 5th day to get explore turning a hobby into a business) and that the round trip of 7 hours driving in a day is a lot, particularly in winter. She didn't work after her son was born (now in his mid 30s) and both children were at boarding school at different times. OH has been a hands on dad, which her ex wasn't so she assumes he has time to run around to look after his mum, even though he was committed to things with our son until the start of this month. OH he has made clear to SIL that even if she lived in the same town he wouldn't do due to his upbringing and her subsequent behaviour.

I have made a decision that for the time being I will not see SIL if she visits, her behaviour for the last 16 years towards me might be described by some as toxic and I've drawn my line in the sand for a self centered comment she made in an email to OH.

How's your son settling in at uni?

He seems to be settling OK. It's taken him a bit of time to connect with the clubs/activities he wants to be part of. He seems to be coping with the workload ok. It's hard to tell from odd WhatsApp messages, daughter comments that he tends to send one word replies to her.

 

[jugglingmum]

So as posted in September I spent 9.5 years juggling kids, work and mum.

Youngest currently at uni in Edinburgh, eldest au pairing near Munich since Xmas, eldest needing more support than hoped.

This week I officially retired. I'm staying as a consultant for probably 18 months.

In the short term I still have a lot to do to finalise probate application for mum.

Ww also can't locate the grave my grandfather was buried in and my dad's ashes are in, which is where mum requested her ashes be interred.

Other items on the agenda for this summer are to get the garden back to some semblance of order and restart some craft. I used to do a lot of embroidery before the children were born.

 

[jennifer1967]

So as posted in September I spent 9.5 years juggling kids, work and mum.

Youngest currently at uni in Edinburgh, eldest au pairing near Munich since Xmas, eldest needing more support than hoped.

This week I officially retired. I'm staying as a consultant for probably 18 months.

In the short term I still have a lot to do to finalise probate application for mum.

Ww also can't locate the grave my grandfather was buried in and my dad's ashes are in, which is where mum requested her ashes be interred.

Other items on the agenda for this summer are to get the garden back to some semblance of order and restart some craft. I used to do a lot of embroidery before the children were born.

well deserved. trying to juggle everything is really not easy. is good your young people have done so well. hopefully, the garden will dry and you will be able to design it how you want it. need pictures.

 

[jugglingmum]

Garden definitely needs to dry. I've posted occasional pics in the garden thread.

@jennifer1967 I'm younger than you, so very lucky to be able retire now.

Although have 2 full weeks of work booked in.

 

[jennifer1967]

Garden definitely needs to dry. I've posted occasional pics in the garden thread.

@jennifer1967 I'm younger than you, so very lucky to be able retire now.

Although have 2 full weeks of work booked in.

ive seen them. until 2020, i used to mow the grass and cut hedge but now my son and grandson do it for me which can be frustrating.

 

[sdmhred]

Congratulations @jugglingmum 😝😝

Im glad you can now take some more time for other things. I hope the consultancy position will £££ well and give you the flexibility you want!

I am no where near retirement age but thinking what’s the minImum I can live on 🙈🙈🤣🤣

 

[jugglingmum]

I've got well over a decade until I get my state pension.

I've worked 3 days a week since I had my firstborn. Effectively doing 1 day a week but as needed so some months might not do any and some months might be 6 to 9 days. Pay rate a little more than current pay.

 

[sdmhred]

That sounds good!

i dropped to 3 days when took over mum. I always thought I would go back full time when she needed residential but there’s no way I could manage that at present. My current post dementia plans are to definately not go back to the hamster wheel of 9-5 full time. I am actually thankful that covid / caring helped me jump off!

 

[Melles Belles]

@jugglingmum have you tried the Findagrave website to find your grandfather’s grave?

 

[jugglingmum]

@Melles Belles thanks for suggestion but according to my brother yes.

My dad died 30 years ago. Mum arranged for dad's ashes to be interred without telling me or my brother until after the event, and I may have misremembered them.

It was all rather traumatic at the time. I was 26, my brother was 24. My dad's half sister (younger than dad by 20 years) died suddenly related to alcoholism, a few days later his aunt died (my grandpa's sister) from dementia and then dad committed suicide. 3 funerals in 3 weeks. I was very angry about it all at the time. My brother has no memory of dad's funeral and no idea if mum mentioned the ashes to him. But all the details make sense.

If the details are correct the first person in the grave was my grandma in 1933 ish. I'm wondering if the age of the grave is giving an issue or if the surname has been misspelt (often has been).

I'll run things through that website myself.

Confusing bit is mum said catholic graveyard but churches in that town say always used council graveyard.

 

[sdmhred]

Gosh that must have been a traumatic and difficult time for you @jugglingmum 😢😢

 

[maggie6445]

@Melles Belles thanks for suggestion but according to my brother yes.

My dad died 30 years ago. Mum arranged for dad's ashes to be interred without telling me or my brother until after the event, and I may have misremembered them.

It was all rather traumatic at the time. I was 26, my brother was 24. My dad's half sister (younger than dad by 20 years) died suddenly related to alcoholism, a few days later his aunt died (my grandpa's sister) from dementia and then dad committed suicide. 3 funerals in 3 weeks. I was very angry about it all at the time. My brother has no memory of dad's funeral and no idea if mum mentioned the ashes to him. But all the details make sense.

If the details are correct the first person in the grave was my grandma in 1933 ish. I'm wondering if the age of the grave is giving an issue or if the surname has been misspelt (often has been).

I'll run things through that website myself.

Confusing bit is mum said catholic graveyard but churches in that town say always used council graveyard.

Hi, I found out where my grandmother was buried from the Ancestry .co.uk website. I have done family history for years but didn't know where she was buried until a couple of years ago when the details went onto the website. .
It helped to confirm her family line for me as it gave her full date of birth as well. Helpful as she had a common name and I had to use family knowledge to work out which person I wanted.. thankfully I'd got it correct.

 

[Melles Belles]

@jugglingmum do you know which cemetery they are buried in? Whoever manages it should be able to help you.
Last year we finally scattered Mum’s and Dad’s ashes. Mum near the river where she grew up and Dad by his Mum, Dad and brother.
we knew which cemetery they were buried in and that my Uncle died first in 1950. In this area of the cemetery, the burials started in 1949 so it should be near the entrance. Unfortunately we were looking for a large headstone and missed it and ended up searching the whole cemetery. We went back to the beginning and found it. It was marked was a small stone which only had my Uncle‘s name and had tipped forward. We made a not of the What 3 Words location for future reference.

 

[Grannie G]

I’m so sorry you had such a rough time at such a young age @jugglingmum

We tend to think the biggest problems our members have is facing up to dementia but have no idea what they may have been through earlier.