I am finding that I have to be so careful how I say things or react to things. It will take nothing for my DH to make a rapid turn to thinking I'm angry at him or that I don't want to be around him. Two examples: I asked him to feed the dogs. He seems to get confused about how to do what he's done a million times. When he started to do it wrong I just gently said to hold on and I'll help him with it. Then all of a sudden he gets upset and says I'm mad at him. Another time yesterday, after dinner I usually do a few things like go on my computer or something else, and he came in asking what we were doing now. I said he could do whatever he felt like and then when I was done we could watch some TV. That totally set him off into him thinking I didn't want to be around him or that we didn't have a "plan". He's very into having a schedule which we never had before. Anyway, it's more about feeling like I'm walking on eggshells and it's exhausting.
walking on eggshells!
- Thread starter kgorlick
- Start date
Unfortunately walking on eggshells is something I think us carers have to live with. My husband is the same, I see him struggling with something and try to help only to have him get angry or upset with me. I try to leave him to work things out but eventually just have to help. I can see that it is probably frustration on his part but doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It can be that one time something you say or do is ok but on another occasion the same thing can cause the anger or upset. They do become rather self centred and I find myself cramming things in that I need to do while he is resting. Sorry not to offer any helpful suggestions on how to make it easier. Perhaps someone else will have some advice that will be helpful to us both.
Hello and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum @kgorlick. Our members have a lot of experience of dementia in all of its forms and I am sure that many will recognise the need to be careful what we say in case it upsets our person with dementia.
Part of the issue is that people with dementia do forget how to do things that they have done over and over and as you have found out get annoyed when offered help. In this case it might be easier to either feed the dog yourself or let your husband try and then later on do the job yourself without him knowing (as long as that is safe for the dog).
Wanting a 'plan and a strict routine' is also a part of dementia, as things feel more out of control the person feels safer with a 'plan' in place. This does make things difficult for you as a carer. What i sometimes do is if hubby is watching TV or looking at his YouTube video's is to then use that time to do what i want on the laptop (in fact that is what i am doing now).
Some of these behaviours can be caused by anxiety so it might be useful to have a word with your husband's GP regarding anxiety medication. I have also attached a link on communication which you might find useful. It is not always easy to follow but can help.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Part of the issue is that people with dementia do forget how to do things that they have done over and over and as you have found out get annoyed when offered help. In this case it might be easier to either feed the dog yourself or let your husband try and then later on do the job yourself without him knowing (as long as that is safe for the dog).
Wanting a 'plan and a strict routine' is also a part of dementia, as things feel more out of control the person feels safer with a 'plan' in place. This does make things difficult for you as a carer. What i sometimes do is if hubby is watching TV or looking at his YouTube video's is to then use that time to do what i want on the laptop (in fact that is what i am doing now).
Some of these behaviours can be caused by anxiety so it might be useful to have a word with your husband's GP regarding anxiety medication. I have also attached a link on communication which you might find useful. It is not always easy to follow but can help.
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Another thing that I think is going on is that people with dementia find it harder and harder to occupy themselves and plan things. This makes them bored and so they seek out the company of family members more than they did before dementia struck. They lose the concept of other people wanting space or time to themselves, partly because they stop understanding how much other people have to do by way of work / housework / meal preparation / admin and all the rest. If the PWD lives alone this can result in multiple daily phone calls to family and friends.
I get the walking on eggshells. Mum is having a good week. I almost wish she wasn’t. One of the carers is leaving the employment of the agency. Mum because she feels well this week has decided that we do not need a replacement and also that I Must discuss this with her in depth.
So I tell her whilst it’s lovely that she is well this week, it isn’t always the case. That the holidays are coming up and the other directly employed carer will need cover herself. I want to keep a relationship with the agency because once she broke her pelvis and was discharged with very little notice but I needed to find four visits a day for seven days a week. God Forbid such a thing would happen again but it might.
That it isn’t just meals but company and how she declines if I have even one weeks holiday
“Well thank you very much! You have completely done my head in going in and on and you have made me feel depressed about myself “
Only did as I was told. I discussed and I explained
Can’t win
So I tell her whilst it’s lovely that she is well this week, it isn’t always the case. That the holidays are coming up and the other directly employed carer will need cover herself. I want to keep a relationship with the agency because once she broke her pelvis and was discharged with very little notice but I needed to find four visits a day for seven days a week. God Forbid such a thing would happen again but it might.
That it isn’t just meals but company and how she declines if I have even one weeks holiday
“Well thank you very much! You have completely done my head in going in and on and you have made me feel depressed about myself “
Only did as I was told. I discussed and I explained
Can’t win
Walking on eggshells gets so so difficult at times. We are changing our car and my wife, who hasn’t driven for well over a year, is obsessed with still wanting to drive. The ins and outs of going the garage, etc, is just stirring it up and she is too far down the dementia path to explain why she isn’t going to drive again. So I just have to take it and keep giving her delaying “love lies”. But it’s so wearing and worrying on how to get past it! She managed to sneak out for a walk in the drizzle, but at least I can track her connected watch!
I often think that people with dementia misinterpret what is being said and read all sorts of things into what was said.
My husband could never understand that when I asked if he had put the bins out, I was asking for information, that if he hadn’t done it, I would. He always thought I was criticising him and would reply angrily that he was just about to do it (even though he wasn’t ). I would have used a normal conversational tone but I gave up pretty quickly and just did it myself.
Of course, paranoia is very common for people with dementia and your husband seems to have it in a mild form. My husband accused me of all sorts of dreadful things which was worse in the early years but pops it’s ugly head up now and then.
My husband could never understand that when I asked if he had put the bins out, I was asking for information, that if he hadn’t done it, I would. He always thought I was criticising him and would reply angrily that he was just about to do it (even though he wasn’t ). I would have used a normal conversational tone but I gave up pretty quickly and just did it myself.
Of course, paranoia is very common for people with dementia and your husband seems to have it in a mild form. My husband accused me of all sorts of dreadful things which was worse in the early years but pops it’s ugly head up now and then.
That's a very good point @Lawson58. People with dementia often think that other people are getting at them or criticising them.
This aspect of dementia is not widely understood by society at large and many health professionals. People often think that it's just about forgetfulness, not everything else.
This aspect of dementia is not widely understood by society at large and many health professionals. People often think that it's just about forgetfulness, not everything else.
That is scary I'm sure when she goes out for a walk! Good she'll wear the watch though~
Hello to everyone. I haven’t written anything before but I do gain comfort from what others have written that I am not alone. My husband has dementia & I find hard to ignore the ”little man” on my shoulder saying “yes, you’re right” when my husband is telling me I’m talking rubbish & that everything I do or say in wrong, that I’m the one who puts things in the wrong place, I’ve forgotten to feed the dog. So frustrating 😵💫
So true anyone who has not had contact with dementia has a rosy view of the disease
I so identify with all your chats re walking on eggshells. We have had a calm and peaceful day up to half an hour ago. I can only assume it was tiredness that set him off this time. He had a nap this morning then a friend popped in for lunch. After she went, I got on with the washing up but heard the front door bang and the dog bark. Went to look and saw my husband heading off up the drive without a word! Called him back and as he was still in a seemingly good mood, I assumed he just wanted a walk, so got him togged up and into the car with the dog. Drove to the woods - he did seem reluctant to get out of the car, but once he did, he seemed to enjoy the walk. Back at the car, he seemed grateful to get back in and was fine on the way home but reluctant to get out of the car again. I managed to persuade him into the house where, for no apparent reason, he just flew into a rage, tramping through the bungalow with muddy boots on. I knew better than to try and stop him, so just kept out of his way for 15 mins. He eventually stopped and got distracted with some photos, I made him a up of tea and managed to get his boots off but had to be oh so careful not to set him off again. He eventually sat on the sofa, tea on table and within 5 mins fell asleep!!! So instead of hoovering up all the mud, I opened my emails and saw this thread! At least I'm not on my own- so hard isn't it?!
Hello @Badbec and welcome to the Dementia Support forum. I am pleased that you have gained comfort from what other people have written, and hope that you will continue to post on the forum if there is anything that our members can help with.
I have attached a link to Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired. It is not always easy to follow but many of our members find it useful.
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
You might also find it useful to start your own thread in the - I have a partner with dementia - area. Again I have attached a link.
I have a partner with dementia
This forum is for people with a partner or spouse with dementia.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
It’s amazing how they can turn in a sixpence. One minute all is ok and the next minute they are in a rage and you can’t work out what has caused it.
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