50 yrs young

[TROCK]

Hello
I'm the mother of a 50-year-old father of nine that has vascular dementia. He still has three Elementary School aged children at home and a daughter that is a junior at Princeton. Up until he told me of his condition we had a very good and fairly open communication. We had a misunderstanding on the phone one day. In the days following he let me know that his doctor visit hadn't gone well and he was going to shut down all business, social, and unessential personal communication. He was also going to change his one phone number. In a few weeks his phone was turned off, It has been since Christmas that he has spoken with me. He is in stage four or five as far as I know, because I don't no how much further it has deteriorated. Any other parents out there dealing with adult children? Could sure use some ideas. By the way, we live 400 miles apart . I have a vast array of diseases and physical issues , including multiple sclerosis, degenerative disc disease , osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. I would literally and lovingly take his disease upon my shoulders if I could! I lost a daughter to suicide in her mid 30s and she had four children at home. Losing my son and my last child is tearing me apart. It seems I spend all night and every day worrying and sobbing quietly alone , about him and his family. Thank you so much for your support, and any helpful Insight you may have!

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

Hello
I'm the mother of a 50-year-old father of nine that has vascular dementia. He still has three Elementary School aged children at home and a daughter that is a junior at Princeton. Up until he told me of his condition we had a very good and fairly open communication. We had a misunderstanding on the phone one day. In the days following he let me know that his doctor visit hadn't gone well and he was going to shut down all business, social, and unessential personal communication. He was also going to change his one phone number. In a few weeks his phone was turned off, It has been since Christmas that he has spoken with me. He is in stage four or five as far as I know, because I don't no how much further it has deteriorated. Any other parents out there dealing with adult children? Could sure use some ideas. By the way, we live 400 miles apart . I have a vast array of diseases and physical issues , including multiple sclerosis, degenerative disc disease , osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. I would literally and lovingly take his disease upon my shoulders if I could! I lost a daughter to suicide in her mid 30s and she had four children at home. Losing my son and my last child is tearing me apart. It seems I spend all night and every day worrying and sobbing quietly alone , about him and his family. Thank you so much for your support, and any helpful Insight you may have!

Much as I appreciate the distance and your health issues, where are his children?

I'm concerned about the welfare of the youngest 4 especially as you no make no mention of their mother. Have you contacted the eldest 5 and asked about your son and their young siblings?

No idea how the US work but there must be some sort of child protection system which you must contact as a matter of urgency.

 

[Bevhar]

Hello
I'm the mother of a 50-year-old father of nine that has vascular dementia. He still has three Elementary School aged children at home and a daughter that is a junior at Princeton. Up until he told me of his condition we had a very good and fairly open communication. We had a misunderstanding on the phone one day. In the days following he let me know that his doctor visit hadn't gone well and he was going to shut down all business, social, and unessential personal communication. He was also going to change his one phone number. In a few weeks his phone was turned off, It has been since Christmas that he has spoken with me. He is in stage four or five as far as I know, because I don't no how much further it has deteriorated. Any other parents out there dealing with adult children? Could sure use some ideas. By the way, we live 400 miles apart . I have a vast array of diseases and physical issues , including multiple sclerosis, degenerative disc disease , osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia. I would literally and lovingly take his disease upon my shoulders if I could! I lost a daughter to suicide in her mid 30s and she had four children at home. Losing my son and my last child is tearing me apart. It seems I spend all night and every day worrying and sobbing quietly alone , about him and his family. Thank you so much for your support, and any helpful Insight you may have!

This is truly heartbreaking for you Has he got a wife living with him if so would she speak to you or his elder children I have the experience of young suicide it’s devastating Is your son now your only child Have you any other family who might be able to help I pray that your son will contact you I’m sure it’s been a horrendous shock to him & at the moment he doesn’t know how to cope with his diagnosis take care xx

 

[TROCK]

Much as I appreciate the distance and your health issues, where are his children?

I'm concerned about the welfare of the youngest 4 especially as you no make no mention of their mother. Have you contacted the eldest 5 and asked about your son and their young siblings?

No idea how the US work but there must be some sort of child protection system which you must contact as a matter of urgency.

He has moved out of his home and Business in order to seek solitude. He is still married to the mother of the children and last I spoke they are still seeing each other every weekend and special occasions. My son's adult children are all over the country and probably have contact with him. I hate to put them in the middle and ask them for information if his desire is to for some reason keep me in limbo. His way of dealing with this seems to be isolation and I know that his wife and all of his children try often to communicate but I haven't asked them for more info. I tried to give them love, support without putting them in that position. He and his wife own and operate a Wellness Center and she is a psychologist . His wife has not responded to me and I've attempted to reach her many times. I believe her support and love for him is quite good most of the time . Ih know their business is very busy and their home is on the same property . He was a medic in the military and has a better than average idea of what is ahead . His biggest concern has been his children and I know it's breaking his heart also , he is a better than average father!. Thank you for your response!

 

[TROCK]

This is truly heartbreaking for you Has he got a wife living with him if so would she speak to you or his elder children I have the experience of young suicide it’s devastating Is your son now your only child Have you any other family who might be able to help I pray that your son will contact you I’m sure it’s been a horrendous shock to him & at the moment he doesn’t know how to cope with his diagnosis take care xx

I have gone through extensive therapy in order to deal with PTSD and the early death of my daughter. I was just feeling hopeful for our future when this happened. Yes he is my only child now. I do have 21 grandchildren and one great-grandchild that I love dearly. All of the adults in our family have passed away. My husband has a hard time with emotional issues and is like a lot of men, he has a hard time listening. Thank goodness for the doctor! They all give me tons of support but it's just not the same as having your child let you help him. Yes I do believe he is still in shock because of his last appointment , I am assuming that the news wasn't good. Moms aren't supposed to die after their children. I don't really know quite what to do. Pray, pray, pray is what I'm doing. Can't afford any more therapy. No insurance. Good grief I'm sounding pitiful! Better stop now cuz I I'm starting to release a lot of emotion. Thank you for caring! Nice to know people are out there that do care!

 

[TROCK]

This is truly heartbreaking for you Has he got a wife living with him if so would she speak to you or his elder children I have the experience of young suicide it’s devastating Is your son now your only child Have you any other family who might be able to help I pray that your son will contact you I’m sure it’s been a horrendous shock to him & at the moment he doesn’t know how to cope with his diagnosis take care xx

 

[TROCK]

They live separately because of business and anxiety levels. His wife and I do fine but have never been close, she will not speak a word to me unless he has asked her to. My phone calls to her always go to message, and she hasn't responded. She did check my status on tick tock last week though. I am so sorry to hear that you have also had to experience young suicide. It was my daughter's third attempt. She was working towards her paramedic degree and used Pharmaceuticals each time. The final time she went up into the mountains after she had called her dad and I , but only mentioned she wasn't doing well. Some poor individuals hiking found her lying on the trail. She was 500 miles away and didn't threaten suicide , like she had before. Her brother the one with vascular dementia was extremely angry with her for doing that and has never forgiven her for giving up. He's such a wonderful guy! In so many ways yet he isolates himself from anything that causes anxiety. Amazingly smart I have to say, three times who's who in American High School students, the governor's young entrepreneur of the year is junior year, he owned his own business and made $48,000 that year. I never really wanted him to push himself so hard, but he has always done so. I truly don't understand why he doesn't want me at his side but I'm trying to. I don't want to make it worse. I don't want to alienate him by telling his father because he asked me not to. So he doesn't even want his own father to know his life will be short now. I'm sorry for going on. I just don't talk to anyone about this on any kind of regular basis. I hope that is what this form is for. If not someone please tell me to be quiet and I will. Thank you so much for your interest and care!

 

[Collywobbles]

I'm sorry for going on. I just don't talk to anyone about this on any kind of regular basis. I hope that is what this form is for. If not someone please tell me to be quiet and I will. Thank you so much for your interest and care!

This is one of the key reasons we’re here - to listen/read and offer support and empathy. Please please keep posting. You’re very welcome here.

 

[Bevhar]

They live separately because of business and anxiety levels. His wife and I do fine but have never been close, she will not speak a word to me unless he has asked her to. My phone calls to her always go to message, and she hasn't responded. She did check my status on tick tock last week though. I am so sorry to hear that you have also had to experience young suicide. It was my daughter's third attempt. She was working towards her paramedic degree and used Pharmaceuticals each time. The final time she went up into the mountains after she had called her dad and I , but only mentioned she wasn't doing well. Some poor individuals hiking found her lying on the trail. She was 500 miles away and didn't threaten suicide , like she had before. Her brother the one with vascular dementia was extremely angry with her for doing that and has never forgiven her for giving up. He's such a wonderful guy! In so many ways yet he isolates himself from anything that causes anxiety. Amazingly smart I have to say, three times who's who in American High School students, the governor's young entrepreneur of the year is junior year, he owned his own business and made $48,000 that year. I never really wanted him to push himself so hard, but he has always done so. I truly don't understand why he doesn't want me at his side but I'm trying to. I don't want to make it worse. I don't want to alienate him by telling his father because he asked me not to. So he doesn't even want his own father to know his life will be short now. I'm sorry for going on. I just don't talk to anyone about this on any kind of regular basis. I hope that is what this form is for. If not someone please tell me to be quiet and I will. Thank you so much for your interest and care!

That’s sad that you can’t talk to your husband about it as he is unaware of what’s happening I hope you can find some peace as it’s obviously the way your son wants to deal with this it’s so sad as the advice with dementia is to socialise Maybe once he has come to terms with the diagnosis he will realise that your suffering & contact you Everyone deals with their diagnosis in a different way I’m so sorry you are going through such an awful time Keep posting on here Everyone wants to help I’ve found this forum my lifeline since my husband’s diagnosis Please take care of yourself xx

 

[Grannie G]

I`m so sad for you @TROCK

Knowing is bad but not knowing is worse and I can imagine all the scenarios going through your mind.

I can only hope you will be able to find the strength to accept your son`s behaviour and decision. The miles separating you and your own poor health make it impossible to have a face to face discussion to try to resolve this terrible family breakdown.