Mums continuing misery in care home

[Irisivyclara722161]

Hi
Just been to a lovely Easter party put on by staff at mums care home
Residents and staff dancing to a chap singing,lots of decorations and generally a lovely atmosphere
Mum however was very miserable and refused to take part in anything!

Shes been in the home 8 weeks and although initially was quite happy and is fine and glad to see me for about 15 mins, the tirade starts on a loop! “ why can’t I come home with you” “ I dont want to stay here” “ I don’t see anyone or go anywhere “ even though I take her out regularly
Then she gets nasty and says I don’t care about her, I don’t want her and then when I eventually leave tells me to “****** off”or “Get out”

Needless to say myself and my daughter left the party early as she was getting more aggressive saying she was surprised that even my daughter didn’t care about her

I really don’t know whether to leave a bigger gap between visits as I’m now dreading each time I go
My brother and myself usually take turns visiting every third day or so

All very distressing for mum and us as I don’t know which way to turn at the moment

Any advice would be most welcome

 

[backin]

Don't know what to say really. My mum went through the insulting stage while she was still in her own home.

Have you asked the home how she is when you are not around?

Reducing visit might be a good idea for a while

 

[Arya]

Hi
Just been to a lovely Easter party put on by staff at mums care home
Residents and staff dancing to a chap singing,lots of decorations and generally a lovely atmosphere
Mum however was very miserable and refused to take part in anything!

Shes been in the home 8 weeks and although initially was quite happy and is fine and glad to see me for about 15 mins, the tirade starts on a loop! “ why can’t I come home with you” “ I dont want to stay here” “ I don’t see anyone or go anywhere “ even though I take her out regularly
Then she gets nasty and says I don’t care about her, I don’t want her and then when I eventually leave tells me to “****** off”or “Get out”

Needless to say myself and my daughter left the party early as she was getting more aggressive saying she was surprised that even my daughter didn’t care about her

I really don’t know whether to leave a bigger gap between visits as I’m now dreading each time I go
My brother and myself usually take turns visiting every third day or so

All very distressing for mum and us as I don’t know which way to turn at the moment

Any advice would be most welcome

My Father in law goes to day care a couple of times a week and when he first went, he absolutely hated it and said nobody spoke to him. We absolutely know this isn't true because the care home have a social media page where they put all the days activities with photos of the residents and day care patients enjoying themselves. My F.I.L absolutely loves going now and gets disappointed if it's not his day.
If I were you, I'd ask the care home for proof that your mum is not just sitting in a corner and being ignored. I'm sure she's just upset at not being in her own home and I bet she's having a go at you as you're the closest to her. I'm sure she's fine once you have left.

 

[Jale]

When mum first went into her nursing home she would tell us that nobody talked to her, she hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day, it was horrible there, we didn't want her - the list and moaning went on and on to the point we were getting concerned. Until the day we arrived earlier than normal and we hid round the corner where we watched mum with the other residents having tea and biscuits and was joining in the activities - not all, but some and she was happy and smiling - that was until we went in and then it was as if someone flipped a switch and she turned back into the grumpy, moaning woman.

We had a fairly long chat with the staff, activities staff and they all said the same, that sometimes mum was happy to join in, other times she didn't want to but was happy to watch others.

Sadly it seems that the people who are closest to the person with dementia are the ones that seem to cop the flak when insults and sometimes just plain nastiness is thrown around. What is your mum like with your brother (mum was always happy when my brother went in to see her, and I found that hard at times. Have a word with the staff and see what your mum is like when you are not there, it does take time for things to settle down. If it upsets you to see/hear your mum like she is at the moment then don't feel bad if you don't visit as regularly, your health is as important as your Mum's, if not more important as she has staff to look after her needs.

Take care

 

[Irisivyclara722161]

Don't know what to say really. My mum went through the insulting stage while she was still in her own home.

Have you asked the home how she is when you are not around?

Reducing visit might be a good idea for a while

Hi yes I have asked staff and they say she has good days and not so good
Makes you feel so awful if she’s unhappy but as someone did say to me I’m not responsible for mums happiness
I can help to cheer her mood but if she resfuses to join in or mix there’s not a lot I can do
Her main aim is to come home with me which is not possible
Thankyou for taking the time to reply

 

[Irisivyclara722161]

My Father in law goes to day care a couple of times a week and when he first went, he absolutely hated it and said nobody spoke to him. We absolutely know this isn't true because the care home have a social media page where they put all the days activities with photos of the residents and day care patients enjoying themselves. My F.I.L absolutely loves going now and gets disappointed if it's not his day.
If I were you, I'd ask the care home for proof that your mum is not just sitting in a corner and being ignored. I'm sure she's just upset at not being in her own home and I bet she's having a go at you as you're the closest to her. I'm sure she's fine once you have left.

Hi, thankyou for your reply
Yes I think I will ask staff to photograph her as I’m never sure if they say she’s ok to stop me worrying
It’s a lovely care home with equally lovely staff but I realise with a PWD it’s all very hard to adapt to different surroundings etc

 

[Irisivyclara722161]

When mum first went into her nursing home she would tell us that nobody talked to her, she hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day, it was horrible there, we didn't want her - the list and moaning went on and on to the point we were getting concerned. Until the day we arrived earlier than normal and we hid round the corner where we watched mum with the other residents having tea and biscuits and was joining in the activities - not all, but some and she was happy and smiling - that was until we went in and then it was as if someone flipped a switch and she turned back into the grumpy, moaning woman.

We had a fairly long chat with the staff, activities staff and they all said the same, that sometimes mum was happy to join in, other times she didn't want to but was happy to watch others.

Sadly it seems that the people who are closest to the person with dementia are the ones that seem to cop the flak when insults and sometimes just plain nastiness is thrown around. What is your mum like with your brother (mum was always happy when my brother went in to see her, and I found that hard at times. Have a word with the staff and see what your mum is like when you are not there, it does take time for things to settle down. If it upsets you to see/hear your mum like she is at the moment then don't feel bad if you don't visit as regularly, your health is as important as your Mum's, if not more important as she has staff to look after her needs.

Take care

Hi thankyou for your reply
Your mums moans are complete replica of mine
I will try and creep in without her knowledge and see what’s she’s up to although most times she’s asleep
Yes we do see to cop all the flak and as much as I try hard not to let it get to me it’s upsetting for both her and me as I’m not giving the answers she wants
I will ask staff to see how she is and realise I must give it time
Just hate to see her unhappy

Thankyou for your thoughts

 

[Toopie28]

Hi
Just been to a lovely Easter party put on by staff at mums care home
Residents and staff dancing to a chap singing,lots of decorations and generally a lovely atmosphere
Mum however was very miserable and refused to take part in anything!

Shes been in the home 8 weeks and although initially was quite happy and is fine and glad to see me for about 15 mins, the tirade starts on a loop! “ why can’t I come home with you” “ I dont want to stay here” “ I don’t see anyone or go anywhere “ even though I take her out regularly
Then she gets nasty and says I don’t care about her, I don’t want her and then when I eventually leave tells me to “****** off”or “Get out”

Needless to say myself and my daughter left the party early as she was getting more aggressive saying she was surprised that even my daughter didn’t care about her

I really don’t know whether to leave a bigger gap between visits as I’m now dreading each time I go
My brother and myself usually take turns visiting every third day or so

All very distressing for mum and us as I don’t know which way to turn at the moment

Any advice would be most welcome

Same, I'm afraid.

Good days (rare) and the usual days - where she is miserable, I've abandoned her, wants to go home and so on.
it seems that new visitors trigger her wanting to leave. I try and back off and when I do, she's ok for a day or two then becomes manic and I have to calm her down (don't want her taking it out on staff).

Staff do tell me that she's great most of the time and takes part but with me, miserable and I've done nothing and you left me alone and I hate it here.

Here's the thing though - it's the exact same things she used to say at home. Ma was miserable being alone and even though I had helpers throughout the day (when they turned up), it didn't matter. Ma used to be very independent, before dementia and now realises she's not. So I could have someone there (even me) 20 hours a day, it was just the same.

I would try the bigger gap between visits and see what happens. Maybe try calling in between.

I've been given the same advise (not responsible for her happiness) and it's true, but so, so hard. But I'm sure if she was at home, it would be the same

 

[SMBeach]

When dad went into Carehome he had been really really looking forward to it. I knew it wouldn’t be as he’d expected and no matter how nice or friendly the staff were, I knew it wouldn’t be what he expected. A team of carers to explain and teach him all about his condition, teaching him how to manage it and live with it and what to expect from it as time went in. He probably also thought there’d be carers all around him most of the time to help but in fact of course it’s nothing like that. I’m in Kent and dad’s in Scotland and I am his only visitor about 2-3 times a year. Financially I just can’t do it any more than that as I’m on my own. Dad was very frightened on his first few days and even with me being there 24/7, sleeping at the care home too etc, he was still very frightened. He told me through tears that he’s accepted that he’s going to die alone. None of this was said cruelly or vindictively. He was just stating facts and told me that when you get old you get very frightened. It broke my heart and I felt sick. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I hated leaving him. But wind the clock forward 3 months when I next visited and he was very settled. I too have noticed that when dad is moaning or argumentative etc that it’s no worse than when he was at home. In fact, he moans much less and no longer seems so distressed. He joins in activities although I notice in recent social media photos that dad hasn’t attended some activities that I’d expect him to attend. I’ll contact the activities team to ask. I think all you can do is remind yourself how your mum was at hime and compare it to now. Is she any worse in mood? If she is, she will settle in time. In an ideal world I’d have dad live closer to me, with 2 full time carers living with him. But financially that’s not possible. And dad can’t live with us as I work from home with clients visiting constantly. I do find that reminding myself of what the options realistically are and why the person has gone to a home does help. Especially if their mood and behaviour is no worse than it was at home. We dint have magic wands. I often wish dad made more friends throughout his life so he had visitors. But that’s not down to me. We can’t be held accountable for everything that’s missing in another persons life.

 

[maisiecat]

Hi
Just been to a lovely Easter party put on by staff at mums care home
Residents and staff dancing to a chap singing,lots of decorations and generally a lovely atmosphere
Mum however was very miserable and refused to take part in anything!

Shes been in the home 8 weeks and although initially was quite happy and is fine and glad to see me for about 15 mins, the tirade starts on a loop! “ why can’t I come home with you” “ I dont want to stay here” “ I don’t see anyone or go anywhere “ even though I take her out regularly
Then she gets nasty and says I don’t care about her, I don’t want her and then when I eventually leave tells me to “****** off”or “Get out”

Needless to say myself and my daughter left the party early as she was getting more aggressive saying she was surprised that even my daughter didn’t care about her

I really don’t know whether to leave a bigger gap between visits as I’m now dreading each time I go
My brother and myself usually take turns visiting every third day or so

All very distressing for mum and us as I don’t know which way to turn at the moment

Any advice would be most welcome

 

[maisiecat]

Hi @Irisivyclara722161 , My husband is in a Nursing home I found it takes about 3 months for people to settle. This has seemed to be the same thing with others that have moved into the home.
When visits are difficult and to be honest most PWD attack the person they love most I make sure I visit just before a meal so there is a natural cut off point. Also if they are verbally aggressive keep visits short.
It is hard my husband berated me aggressively yesterday because I wouldn't bring his golf clubs. This is a man who can barely walk the length of a corridor.
Its not them its their disease but for you its painful and it doesn't acknowledge your efforts. For instance my husband's top up is more than I have left to live on. There is no end of sacrifice for all of us.

 

[Irisivyclara722161]

Thankyou for all your replies, they’ve helped me immensely
Visited mu yesterday after a weeks break after Easter Party debacle and she’s a tad worse
Staff has said she’s hardly slept, refusing to go to her room at night
Has been aggressive,knocking over furniture and generally unapproachable
She’s been refusing personal care,food meds etc

Mum also cried and said she’d done something wrong but she didn’t know what but staff said she hadn’t but mum replied “ well they would say that wouldn’t they”

I offered to do her hair which hasn’t been touched for a few weeks and some thing she usually enjoyed but she refused
I eventually managed to take her out after 3/4 changes of clothes and finding shoes that would fit but she was very loud and verbal in town so had to bring her back!
When I got her in the car she said she was going to wee on the seat to teach me a lesson as she knew I was going to leave her on the side of the road so she would have to walk back by herself!

This behaviour is so out of character and I did mention to care staff that her tummy was swollen more than usual and could she be constipated as that would affect her behaviour so they’ve put her on the list to see doctor so will wait to see the outcome

My worry is that she feels she’s done something wrong and that’s why we’ve put her in the home although most of her anger is directed at me and not my brother

Al in all a stressful visit for us both
Thankyou for reading this

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Irisivyclara722161 sorry that you and your mum had such a stressful visit. As others have already mentioned, it does take time for someone to settle in a care home, and it's common for anger and blame to be targeted at the person who was the main carer prior to them going into the home, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. You mentioned that you took your mum into town in your car, and as she is so focussed on going home I wonder if this might have caused more upset for her? Perhaps try not taking your mum out of the home for a while until she is more settled to see if that helps. Does the care home have a cafe area or a garden that you could go out in when the weather is nice?

 

[Rayreadynow]

I think this is called institutionalisation.

I would think the opposite, surely the more you take someone out of the care home on trips/outings the better.

 

[Irisivyclara722161]

Hello @Irisivyclara722161 sorry that you and your mum had such a stressful visit. As others have already mentioned, it does take time for someone to settle in a care home, and it's common for anger and blame to be targeted at the person who was the main carer prior to them going into the home, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. You mentioned that you took your mum into town in your car, and as she is so focussed on going home I wonder if this might have caused more upset for her? Perhaps try not taking your mum out of the home for a while until she is more settled to see if that helps. Does the care home have a cafe area or a garden that you could go out in when the weather is nice?

Hi yes she constantly says she never goes anywhere and was bemoaning that she’d not seen the town for ages,I usually take her to a garden centre or M&S but she has no recognition that she’s been before and yesterday she didn’t mention home just wants to be with me and worrying what I’m doing all the time
Yesterday I realised she’s not happy in the home and not happy when I take her out so I can’t make her happy either way
The home has a very nice garden but weather hasn’t been warm enough to take her outside so looking forward to it becoming warmer

 

[McSuffolk]

@Irisivyclara722161, first I sympathise with your situation as my mum is also in residential care and her move hasn’t been without its issues, many similar to those you are having now. Mum was always asking when we had stopped going out/why had she been parked/ when was she going home etc etc. It’s ironic that they can’t see the situation for what it actually is and recognize their own role in not being able to manage any more!
I have struggled with the situation - mum was always so busy and active and intelligent and is now a different and much reduced version of herself, as a result of dementia stripping away ‘her’.
I think you have highlighted what is really wrong at the moment and that is nothing that you or anyone else can do for her right now will make her happy. And I personally have found that difficult to hear, and to know. It’s so frustrating, not being able to fix things, or make your mum happier.
I would say that we are a bit further along than you - 7 months in the home now and though it’s taken some time (prob about 5 months) my mum has calmed down and seems more settled somehow. She is used to their routine. She is happy to go out with me for a change of scene. The complaining has stopped. When we get in the car I always ask her is there anywhere/ anything that you would like to do/go? But she has no idea, just as long as it’s with me. I hope that over time, you will find something similar happens with your mum but maybe in the meantime just reduce how often you go, or unite and visit with your sibling for support.

 

[Angel55]

Thankyou for all your replies, they’ve helped me immensely
Visited mu yesterday after a weeks break after Easter Party debacle and she’s a tad worse
Staff has said she’s hardly slept, refusing to go to her room at night
Has been aggressive,knocking over furniture and generally unapproachable
She’s been refusing personal care,food meds etc

Mum also cried and said she’d done something wrong but she didn’t know what but staff said she hadn’t but mum replied “ well they would say that wouldn’t they”

I offered to do her hair which hasn’t been touched for a few weeks and some thing she usually enjoyed but she refused
I eventually managed to take her out after 3/4 changes of clothes and finding shoes that would fit but she was very loud and verbal in town so had to bring her back!
When I got her in the car she said she was going to wee on the seat to teach me a lesson as she knew I was going to leave her on the side of the road so she would have to walk back by herself!

This behaviour is so out of character and I did mention to care staff that her tummy was swollen more than usual and could she be constipated as that would affect her behaviour so they’ve put her on the list to see doctor so will wait to see the outcome

My worry is that she feels she’s done something wrong and that’s why we’ve put her in the home although most of her anger is directed at me and not my brother

Al in all a stressful visit for us both
Thankyou for reading this

💗 Hello

I am reading your words and really feel for you xx My loved one has been in 'care' for over a year and this could and is my sort of visit to varying degrees.

I have no words of wisdom or advice today other than of course you know this is the illness and if your mum was well she would be saying nothing of the sort other than of course you are doing your best for me as I cannot live alone anymore. Often the people closest bear the brunt because we are there no matter what is thrown at us or about us.

Know that your mum is as safe as she can be, as cared for as she can be, with good and bad days and variations in between. Take care of yourself , take a break, break from visits, have a walk do whatever you enjoy to recoup your emotional energy.

I came across a poem the other day about dementia which I thought was really quite poignant 💞 and I try and tell myself this as now more of the illness shows than the person I loved , knew but still love and know. Sometimes if your mum will allow you just a hug or hand over hand can be calming. I hope your next visit will be easier for you both x

My eyes do see
My ears do hear
I am still me so let's be clear
My memory may fade
My walk may be slow
I am me inside so don't let me go

 

[Rayreadynow]

Does anyone know if there is guidance about residents accessing a garden area? i.e. do they require a certain number of staff to be present, because that could mean that access to outside area has to be regulated in case of accidents etc.

 

[maggie6445]

I think this is called institutionalisation.

I would think the opposite, surely the more you take someone out of the care home on trips/outings the better.

I Think that depends on why someone is in care. If it's because of age and generally frail then they have the capacity to enjoy and understand why they return . With dementia ? Not so sure. They lose capacity to understand they can't manage at home,lose empathy for their carer so only they matter and can't be reasoned with. They don't remember the reason or understand their need and however many times you tell them it's like the first time and they won't agree.
Depends on how advanced the dementia is. A lot go in at late mid stage or early late. No reasoning!

 

[ChaceSoto]

It's horrible to hear things like this, but one thing you should know is that they don't really mean what they say.