Thank you
@Hazara8 your words are beautiful and indeed resonate so much. Mum did not want to live alone in another country anymore, even though for all intents and purposes she had made there her home (and it waswhere I grew up). So she came to be with her children in the UK. I offered our home, as she was very unwell and we had feared losing her before she moved here, so malnourished and lonely. Over months I was able to get her back to health and feel part of family and community. She then left again, to live with my sibing abroad, this was painful to me, and all fell apart when she had to return after several months. Another 3 years with us and great memories, some not so good but mainly due to stress and bringing up our son amidst it all. In Aug/Sep 22 started to look for places mum might like some independence, found a lovely home that felt like an actual home, cosy and friendly. She fit in well and truly loved it there. The carers were in tears when I attended to clear her room, and so bereft with the suddeness of her loss. I felt immense guilt when she moved there but they were very nice and understood her needs, i did have concerns like you say, are they really caring for her like I would, they can't afford the time etc.
You are right that many times I felt like the parent, when she was here so many calls to and from doctors, all the while worry and stress, amongst pride at being able to provide her a home and care. She retained her independence, we went out alot and took great photos and lovely memories. Once she moved into care, I planned several family trips to revisit her dad's place of birth in Plymouth and her own place of birth in Portsmouth, many great memories and she was very tired but so brave to do the trips and really enjoyed them. I am blessed that alzheimers hadn't taken her fully yet, up to the week she passed we still met for coffee, very conversational still aware of everything just tired.
I found the days before her death, I was exhausted, very very tired could not move. Maybe the universe was telling me something. I am now not only befert but unsure who I am, who will I be without worrying for her, without the calls shen she was unsure of something, or just wanted to chat. I am so glad I never made her guilty for calling me, I ensured i was never too bust or rushed, and glad we are in a position in life where I have been able to work part time to spend more time on her needs.
I don't think many can understand the bond, how it changed, how we did get closer but roles reversed, so thank you for putting into words something few will understand in this loss. I lost my only parent but it also feels like the loss of a child I cared for and loved so much.