I lost mum on the 14th

[T1000]

I understand your pain. It is okay to feel lost and lonely. Cry out as much as you can and let the pain go. Take things one step at a time. We are all with you. Please please take care.

I have been crying over 2 weeks daily even in my sleep, my poor husband cuddles and kisses me then, I noticed last night and it's reassuring. I feel like friends have kept distance even though I have said to keep in touch, so it increases feelings of loneliness. I have not been out since last Weds as taking mums death certificate to the bank was overwhelming and I broke down, the ladies were very helpful but I can't even remember much about getting home on the bus

i don't want nice weather or bids chirping, reminders of a Spring mum was just starting eo appreciate and enjoy not wearing a coatm and the plans we were making for summer bbqs in our garden which she loved

 

[Hazara8]

I have been crying over 2 weeks daily even in my sleep, my poor husband cuddles and kisses me then, I noticed last night and it's reassuring. I feel like friends have kept distance even though I have said to keep in touch, so it increases feelings of loneliness. I have not been out since last Weds as taking mums death certificate to the bank was overwhelming and I broke down, the ladies were very helpful but I can't even remember much about getting home on the bus

i don't want nice weather or bids chirping, reminders of a Spring mum was just starting eo appreciate and enjoy not wearing a coatm and the plans we were making for summer bbqs in our garden which she loved

I found that when you care for someone, a mother in this case, that caring role develops the "mother/child" bond in a very special and significant way. The daily, monthly, yearly caring forms a profound relationship which becomes deeply so when dementia enters the room. This is not always really appreciated unless you have trodden that pathway. The fun and laughter, the tears and anxiety are just a small part of the whole picture. When there is no choice but to look to professional Care - the Care Home - that alone wrenches at the heart and engenders that sense of guilt and inadequacy, both unwarranted notions. Then you enter an even more taxing world of expectation and anxiety and a feeling you no longer have control, even when the facts point to " best interests" being in place. A whole complex world of hands on care now removed to other caring hands is in itself extremely challenging. Nights can be filled with imagined goings on, maybe even wrong doings? Is she okay? Is she calling out for me? I should be there, holding her close and comforting her, because l am her child? Therefore is it any wonder that one feels unimagined pain confronted with this and much more? It is as if part of you as Carer becomes left in no man's land with nobody to any longer tend to with all that expenditure of energy and emotion borne out of an innate love for the only mother one will ever have.
Time heals they say. I don't personally agree with that. Because a fact is a fact and loss is loss, it does not become something else through time. We do. We adapt. Some moreso than others dependent on the nature of Care and our relationship with our mother. You should most certainly not curb tears nor any expression of loss as it occurs. Instead learn from it. Learn about oneself. Our mother is no longer here with us physically, but she resides in the heart and mind and all that has gone before cannot be changed by anyone, not ever. So now we look inward at ourself. The Caring role becomes deeply personal. When that intense and very real pain in the heart seems relentless, it dissipates as self knowledge takes place. It melts away when you hear the laughter which lit up your mother's life in your minds eye, the affection and love which was there in childhood, and yes the moments when there was friction or even antagonism, as happens in every family.

But the Care which was given is what counts. That Care being without any sense of duty nor any semblance of gain or reward. I think one can permit that tears are shed as and when that need arises. They nurture the heart and soul as do tears of joy. And it is not self pity...

 

[T1000]

Thank you @Hazara8 your words are beautiful and indeed resonate so much. Mum did not want to live alone in another country anymore, even though for all intents and purposes she had made there her home (and it waswhere I grew up). So she came to be with her children in the UK. I offered our home, as she was very unwell and we had feared losing her before she moved here, so malnourished and lonely. Over months I was able to get her back to health and feel part of family and community. She then left again, to live with my sibing abroad, this was painful to me, and all fell apart when she had to return after several months. Another 3 years with us and great memories, some not so good but mainly due to stress and bringing up our son amidst it all. In Aug/Sep 22 started to look for places mum might like some independence, found a lovely home that felt like an actual home, cosy and friendly. She fit in well and truly loved it there. The carers were in tears when I attended to clear her room, and so bereft with the suddeness of her loss. I felt immense guilt when she moved there but they were very nice and understood her needs, i did have concerns like you say, are they really caring for her like I would, they can't afford the time etc.

You are right that many times I felt like the parent, when she was here so many calls to and from doctors, all the while worry and stress, amongst pride at being able to provide her a home and care. She retained her independence, we went out alot and took great photos and lovely memories. Once she moved into care, I planned several family trips to revisit her dad's place of birth in Plymouth and her own place of birth in Portsmouth, many great memories and she was very tired but so brave to do the trips and really enjoyed them. I am blessed that alzheimers hadn't taken her fully yet, up to the week she passed we still met for coffee, very conversational still aware of everything just tired.

I found the days before her death, I was exhausted, very very tired could not move. Maybe the universe was telling me something. I am now not only befert but unsure who I am, who will I be without worrying for her, without the calls shen she was unsure of something, or just wanted to chat. I am so glad I never made her guilty for calling me, I ensured i was never too bust or rushed, and glad we are in a position in life where I have been able to work part time to spend more time on her needs.

I don't think many can understand the bond, how it changed, how we did get closer but roles reversed, so thank you for putting into words something few will understand in this loss. I lost my only parent but it also feels like the loss of a child I cared for and loved so much.

 

[Hazara8]

Thank you @Hazara8 your words are beautiful and indeed resonate so much. Mum did not want to live alone in another country anymore, even though for all intents and purposes she had made there her home (and it waswhere I grew up). So she came to be with her children in the UK. I offered our home, as she was very unwell and we had feared losing her before she moved here, so malnourished and lonely. Over months I was able to get her back to health and feel part of family and community. She then left again, to live with my sibing abroad, this was painful to me, and all fell apart when she had to return after several months. Another 3 years with us and great memories, some not so good but mainly due to stress and bringing up our son amidst it all. In Aug/Sep 22 started to look for places mum might like some independence, found a lovely home that felt like an actual home, cosy and friendly. She fit in well and truly loved it there. The carers were in tears when I attended to clear her room, and so bereft with the suddeness of her loss. I felt immense guilt when she moved there but they were very nice and understood her needs, i did have concerns like you say, are they really caring for her like I would, they can't afford the time etc.

You are right that many times I felt like the parent, when she was here so many calls to and from doctors, all the while worry and stress, amongst pride at being able to provide her a home and care. She retained her independence, we went out alot and took great photos and lovely memories. Once she moved into care, I planned several family trips to revisit her dad's place of birth in Plymouth and her own place of birth in Portsmouth, many great memories and she was very tired but so brave to do the trips and really enjoyed them. I am blessed that alzheimers hadn't taken her fully yet, up to the week she passed we still met for coffee, very conversational still aware of everything just tired.

I found the days before her death, I was exhausted, very very tired could not move. Maybe the universe was telling me something. I am now not only befert but unsure who I am, who will I be without worrying for her, without the calls shen she was unsure of something, or just wanted to chat. I am so glad I never made her guilty for calling me, I ensured i was never too bust or rushed, and glad we are in a position in life where I have been able to work part time to spend more time on her needs.

I don't think many can understand the bond, how it changed, how we did get closer but roles reversed, so thank you for putting into words something few will understand in this loss. I lost my only parent but it also feels like the loss of a child I cared for and loved so much.

 

[Hazara8]

Thank you @Hazara8 your words are beautiful and indeed resonate so much. Mum did not want to live alone in another country anymore, even though for all intents and purposes she had made there her home (and it waswhere I grew up). So she came to be with her children in the UK. I offered our home, as she was very unwell and we had feared losing her before she moved here, so malnourished and lonely. Over months I was able to get her back to health and feel part of family and community. She then left again, to live with my sibing abroad, this was painful to me, and all fell apart when she had to return after several months. Another 3 years with us and great memories, some not so good but mainly due to stress and bringing up our son amidst it all. In Aug/Sep 22 started to look for places mum might like some independence, found a lovely home that felt like an actual home, cosy and friendly. She fit in well and truly loved it there. The carers were in tears when I attended to clear her room, and so bereft with the suddeness of her loss. I felt immense guilt when she moved there but they were very nice and understood her needs, i did have concerns like you say, are they really caring for her like I would, they can't afford the time etc.

You are right that many times I felt like the parent, when she was here so many calls to and from doctors, all the while worry and stress, amongst pride at being able to provide her a home and care. She retained her independence, we went out alot and took great photos and lovely memories. Once she moved into care, I planned several family trips to revisit her dad's place of birth in Plymouth and her own place of birth in Portsmouth, many great memories and she was very tired but so brave to do the trips and really enjoyed them. I am blessed that alzheimers hadn't taken her fully yet, up to the week she passed we still met for coffee, very conversational still aware of everything just tired.

I found the days before her death, I was exhausted, very very tired could not move. Maybe the universe was telling me something. I am now not only befert but unsure who I am, who will I be without worrying for her, without the calls shen she was unsure of something, or just wanted to chat. I am so glad I never made her guilty for calling me, I ensured i was never too bust or rushed, and glad we are in a position in life where I have been able to work part time to spend more time on her needs.

I don't think many can understand the bond, how it changed, how we did get closer but roles reversed, so thank you for putting into words something few will understand in this loss. I lost my only parent but it also feels like the loss of a child I cared for and loved so much.

That is a lovely and meaningful response which conveys so much of what the Caring role really entails. Much more than is generally perceived by those yet to experience that role. I fully understand that sense of redundancy coupled to a hollowness in body and soul. But it is that intensity of an ongoing mother/ daughter relationship whereby the roles seem to become reversed that saps both physical and mental energy. I remember very clearly just moments after my mother died in hospital l walked through the place, passing folk, patients and hospital staff, going about their duties oblivious to how l felt. I walked outside to an area which had shrubs and greenery to come to terms with the fact that my mother had left my world of continuous Care and all that entailed. All the things you have mentioned in respect of that Care. Of course during that ongoing Care you don't have time to step back and analyse what you are thinking or doing, you simply Care 24 hours a day along with all the necessary mundane daily chores and needs which are part and parcel of that Care. There are rare moments in our lives which test the heart and mind in depth so much as dementia care. The whole process places terrific demands on your body and soul. No wonder when the inevitable separation comes about that you feel bereft of the very person who has engaged your daily life for such a long time. You express your own story so well and so obviously from the heart. That in itself is positive because it is shared and thus educational, not simply analysis of symptoms nor about Alzheimer's as an ongoing disease, all of which has its relevant place. I suppose its humanity at work in essence with all the vulnerability we are subject to as human beings living on a rather wonderful planet which we sometimes take very much for granted, until such moments as these compels us to see ourselves without any illusions whatsoever. That has to be both life changing and immensely valuable in respect of understanding the world.
Thank you very much for recounting your own very special story so succinctly.

 

[T1000]

@Hazara8 thank you for your understanding words. I am empty, but making arrangements for mum which helps me honour her.
Silence has never been so loud