The twists and turns of this mind altering thing they call dementia is now ripping me apart. I am absolutely at the end of my rope with all of it and as much as I want to step back from my dad I know that this would leave him in an unsafe place.
As he has become progressively worse (as we come to expect with dementia) he is now only eating when presented with food, very rarely drinks and we have now noticed that this once very pristine and proud man is maybe not showering as often as he should. I also suspect that he is not using the washing machine properly, if at all.
Last week we sat down with him and discussed the possibility of him going to a care home. He agreed. It is the same place that my mum was, so he knew the staff, the layout, we reminded him how lovely the food is, there are no stairs for him to worry about, no laundry to concern himself with, three good meals a day, blah blah blah. Great!
A couple of days before he was going, I started putting a few things together for him (and with him) asking which pyjamas etc etc. He has commented in the past that I takeover all the situations so I made sure to include him in what went in the bag.
On Wednesday night I got a fraught phone call from relatives that live in a different country, saying that I was making him go into a care home, I had made him sign committal papers, he didn't want to go and he wanted a carer at home. Even after explaining everything I felt they didn't believe me. At that point I didn't care.......this was the start of my rope ending.
To finally get off the phone at 10pm and discover I had messages from a local volunteer who helps out at one of his social groups. My dad had been calling around members telling them basically that i had put a gun to his head to get him into a home.
I'm not going to lie the red mist had completely come down and I had to deal with it there and then. I called my dad who denied (as I knew he would) saying anything bad about me, he said that he was just calling around telling people that he would be going into a home.
By now it was getting close to midnight and although I knew there wouldn't be much sleep I wanted to make sure I got some as we were taking him into the CH the next morning.
If I told you everything that happened yesterday morning you would be still reading this at Christmas!
Basically, he continued to deny it. He told us he wasn't going to the CH, he doesn't want a carer (which he had told a family member that's what he wanted). He threw me out and said he would only speak to my husband, he said some vile and extremely hurtful things.
I know its all part of the dementia, but (like a few of you on here) I haven't had the best relationship with him over the years and there is actually a fine line between "him" and the "dementia".
Within an hour of leaving he was back on the phone about food, again he had also contacted the local volunteer saying he wanted her to bring him a takeaway. I got him a taxi to the local cafe (they know him and I knew someone would bring him home).
The telephone terror continued until 10.45 last night.
The telephone terror has already started this morning.
I am trying to step back to make him realise the help he does need, I am trying to step back for my own sanity, I can't step back too far because I suspect that this is heading towards late stages of this awful illness.
I have arranged for a care worker to visit him on Monday (I won't be part of the meeting). Hopefully we can get some care into place that he is accepting of. If he doesn't then what?
So basically you have listened to my rant, which as ever I am so incredibly grateful for and my question is:
If he doesn't accept the care what do I do?
And even before i am able to sign off he is on the phone again (number 5).
So wish me luck and thank you for being here!
XX
As he has become progressively worse (as we come to expect with dementia) he is now only eating when presented with food, very rarely drinks and we have now noticed that this once very pristine and proud man is maybe not showering as often as he should. I also suspect that he is not using the washing machine properly, if at all.
Last week we sat down with him and discussed the possibility of him going to a care home. He agreed. It is the same place that my mum was, so he knew the staff, the layout, we reminded him how lovely the food is, there are no stairs for him to worry about, no laundry to concern himself with, three good meals a day, blah blah blah. Great!
A couple of days before he was going, I started putting a few things together for him (and with him) asking which pyjamas etc etc. He has commented in the past that I takeover all the situations so I made sure to include him in what went in the bag.
On Wednesday night I got a fraught phone call from relatives that live in a different country, saying that I was making him go into a care home, I had made him sign committal papers, he didn't want to go and he wanted a carer at home. Even after explaining everything I felt they didn't believe me. At that point I didn't care.......this was the start of my rope ending.
To finally get off the phone at 10pm and discover I had messages from a local volunteer who helps out at one of his social groups. My dad had been calling around members telling them basically that i had put a gun to his head to get him into a home.
I'm not going to lie the red mist had completely come down and I had to deal with it there and then. I called my dad who denied (as I knew he would) saying anything bad about me, he said that he was just calling around telling people that he would be going into a home.
By now it was getting close to midnight and although I knew there wouldn't be much sleep I wanted to make sure I got some as we were taking him into the CH the next morning.
If I told you everything that happened yesterday morning you would be still reading this at Christmas!
Basically, he continued to deny it. He told us he wasn't going to the CH, he doesn't want a carer (which he had told a family member that's what he wanted). He threw me out and said he would only speak to my husband, he said some vile and extremely hurtful things.
I know its all part of the dementia, but (like a few of you on here) I haven't had the best relationship with him over the years and there is actually a fine line between "him" and the "dementia".
Within an hour of leaving he was back on the phone about food, again he had also contacted the local volunteer saying he wanted her to bring him a takeaway. I got him a taxi to the local cafe (they know him and I knew someone would bring him home).
The telephone terror continued until 10.45 last night.
The telephone terror has already started this morning.
I am trying to step back to make him realise the help he does need, I am trying to step back for my own sanity, I can't step back too far because I suspect that this is heading towards late stages of this awful illness.
I have arranged for a care worker to visit him on Monday (I won't be part of the meeting). Hopefully we can get some care into place that he is accepting of. If he doesn't then what?
So basically you have listened to my rant, which as ever I am so incredibly grateful for and my question is:
If he doesn't accept the care what do I do?
And even before i am able to sign off he is on the phone again (number 5).
So wish me luck and thank you for being here!
XX
