Hi
- Thread starter ian01
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Update: After making a complaint to the head of adult social care and literally pleading with them for help a safeguarding manager phoned me on Friday and said Mum would now be assigned a social worker soon. I am still keeping hold of mums debit card as advised by the police but it's causing a lot of anger from her towards me now, she's begging me for cash probably being pressured by my brother as his main source of money has now stopped and he'll be desperate for drugs.
Is your mum safe with your brother now? If his drug supply has ceased or decreased he may get withdrawal symptoms that may put her at risk. I'd stress that to her GP and SS . Hope things move swiftly for you and her .
I hope he wouldn't hurt her but I don't know what he'll be like now his main supply of money for drugs has stopped, he's been stealing off her for a long long time so he'll have to find money from elsewhere now. I just hope he doesn't steal her wedding and engagement rings. SS know I've got her debit card so are aware of the situation so I'm just waiting for the social worker to contact me and hopefully the situation will begin to improve but mum wasn't impressed when I told her she'll be getting a social worker. Today I remembered mum has a cheque book so I need to find that and remove it from the house asap.
Just an update for anyone that's following this post. Mum now has a social worker assigned to her and it was a real battle getting help from social services. She came out to see mum and myself and did an assessment about mums finances. Most of the questions she asked mum couldn't answer and as expected she decided mum doesn't have mental capacity to manage her own finances. Deputyship was mentioned by the social worker but mum said no. So it was agreed by mum that I continue to keep hold of her debit card too keep it away from my brother. Today I went to see her and she demanded I give her the card back very angrily saying she has never agreed to me having it but she agreed at the police station and in front of the social worker a few days ago. Is it coincidence that my brother phoned her 10 mins before she demanded the card from me? I get all of mums anger and my brother gets none, she doesn't have a bad word to say about him even after all the stealing and drug use. It's difficult to take.
Can I just mention that your mum doesnt have to consent to someone applying for deputyship. As part of the application you have to tell her, but she doesnt have to agree to it.
Dont give the card back to your mum. I would also change the PIN number in case your brother gets hold of it.
Dont give the card back to your mum. I would also change the PIN number in case your brother gets hold of it.
I have been following your posts @ian01 and just wanted to say, I admire you for keeping going with it all, especially the result of your mum now having a social worker. It must be very hard to be the brunt of your mum’s anger, but it’s the dementia talking, and her fear of your brother’s anger towards her. It must be so hard for you to be having to stand up to your older brother. Incidentally, if he is working full-time, and probably living rent and bill free, he must still have a considerable income stream to spend on drugs?
Re telling him about applying for deputyship, could you tell him you have been advised to by SS and the police. That might make him think.
Re telling him about applying for deputyship, could you tell him you have been advised to by SS and the police. That might make him think.
Thanks DeeCee7, yes my brother lives there rent free and gets his weekly wage all for himself but he has a drug debt which he has to pay or mum could get another smashed window, he also has to feed his drug habit so became totally reliant on mum financially to pay all his bills etc. which she did and has done for many years. He's 54 and has worked all his adult life but has ended up with nothing and deep in debt because of drugs. It's mine boggling the amount of money he's wasted. Because of mums memory she can't remember everything he's done and talks about him like he the best son in the world which is hard for me to listen to. Mum sees me as the bad guy and troublemaker because I've had to take the card because of his stealing. It's me that gets all her anger when all I'm trying to do is protect her and her finances from my disgusting brother. It's a horrible situation I'm in but I've got no choice but to keep fighting for mum as she has a right to live free from abuse in her own home.
Hi, @ian01 ,Has your brother tried a drug rehabilitation programme? Does he realise how his drug dependency is affecting your family? Would he be willing to give it a go if you and the family were supporting him? If he was on a programme and having appropriate treatment it may free up his wage to start repaying his debts.
It's a very sad situation for your mum and you .
Hi Maggie, he's never shown any interest in getting off them. His life revolves around them its like they are his hobby and lifestyle, he has no other interests in life and all his friends are drug users. If he lived on his own I couldn't care less how many drugs he takes, the more the better but mum became a big source of money for him and that had now stopped.
Over the last year my alcohol intake increased a lot due to the stress I was under from this situation but I received help and now I've not drank for 4 weeks and feel fine. The recovery service I was referred to also helps drug addicts so I'll get some leaflets from there and leave them in his room but I don't expect him to do anything but I can only try.
Over the last year my alcohol intake increased a lot due to the stress I was under from this situation but I received help and now I've not drank for 4 weeks and feel fine. The recovery service I was referred to also helps drug addicts so I'll get some leaflets from there and leave them in his room but I don't expect him to do anything but I can only try.
@ian01 , well done for being alcohol free for four weeks. 👏 Addiction to anything is a difficult road and hard to re route. Could you not find it in yourself to tell him how much better you feel for taking control again and offer to help him by going to to your recovery centre with him ? I understand how hard it would be for both of you and he has to on board with idea even if he fails from time to time.
Years ago my mum helped a friend get off addiction to prescription anti depressants and it was a dreadful time for her and her friend . Withdrawal symptoms were horrendous. Not exactly the same thing I know and family issues make your situation harder. But would it be worth the effort? .
You know you and him best so i hope you will see what I'm saying as trying to help.
Thanks maggie, Alcohol became a crutch to help me deal with all the different feelings and emotions this situation has caused me. But I feel better being off it and have lost weight just by stopping drinking and just joined a gym. Like I said in the previous post I'll get some leaflets and leave them for him to read but I doubt he'll do anything as drugs are his way of life. I can't remember if I've mentioned but he's adopted so has different genes from the rest of the family and i believe his behaviour is down to that as we were both raised exactly the same but he was always attracted to the wrong type of people. We might be brothers but we couldn't be more different. I still can't believe the type of man he's grown up to be and he's very lucky never to have been to prison.
My OH was married before and he has a wayward 'child,' prison etc same parents and upbringing . Hard to know why 2 are useful members of society and one well...! He's estranged from all three after their mum had several affairs and finally left .
I think that you are doing you're best to try and sort the situation out but the thing is even if you have the bank card your brother might just get your mum to have her money sent a different account, and I think social services need to put more effort into sorting this because they say she doesn't have capacity but don't seem to be providing solutions same goes for the police, I'm sorry that this is happening, I hope it gets sorted out fast💐💐
I think the consultant at the memory clinic made a safeguarding report. Getting ss to act has been the issue ,I think. GP and police are aware as well from previous posts.
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Id still contact safeguarding - the more SS are hassled the more likely they are to act
Numerous safeguarding reports have been made and SS closed them all with no action even the report from the psychiatrist they closed without doing anything other than telling me to get deputyship, they never contacted mum at all. It was only after my complaint to the head of adult social care pleading for help that mum finally got a social worker assigned to her, I've been trying since last September. I'm waiting for the report from the social worker after her visit to see mum and she recommends I take this report and the report from the psychiatrist to mums bank and try and get a flag put on her account for any suspicious activity like a new card being requested etc, this was her Idea. I'm not even sure the back will speak to me as I have no POA or deputyship.
