Hi

[ian01]

Hi my mum who is 90 was recently diagnosed with early dementia which is hard enough for me to deal with but my older brother still lives with mum, he's 54 and a drug addict, using class A drug in mums house and also steals from her regularly. Mum pays all of his bills and she gets no money off him at all. He works full time. Mum wouldn't do POA accusing me of wanting to take over her finances. The psychiatrist mum saw at the memory clinic made a safeguarding report as it all came out about my brother. Mum is very vulnerable because of her memory so it's been difficult for me, my mental health has taken a huge hit. Today my brother phoned mum and asked her if she had been to the cash machine yet so he's asking her to get money for him. Any advice for this nightmare situation?

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @ian01 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to hear about your difficult situation but, having no experience of this sort of thing, am not sure how much I can help. If your mum has capacity then she can decide for herself whether she is happy with your brother living with her (and by implication his behaviour). However, I do agree that she is vulnerable to being preyed on. Whether that is a matter for social services or the police is not certain.

I am sorry not to be of more help. There may be other members who have had similar experience so, with luck, they may be able to give you some better suggestions.

 

[SAP]

This could be viewing as financial abuse especially if your brother is using aggression to get money from your mum but if she is willingly giving him money then I’m afraid there is little you can do until she no longer has mental capacity.
Your mum is already on social services radar following on from the memory clinic referral so keep going back to them.

 

[maggie6445]

Hi @ian01 , I don't have any experience of a situation like this. If the consultant at the memory clinic made a safeguarding report I'd phone social services safeguarding and ask what follow up they are doing as you are extremely concerned also. They may not tell you anything but that will be a second request to them. Maybe her GP could raise a concern also. Hope you get some practical advice from someone who knows how to deal with this.
Best wishes

 

[ThistleB]

I live in Scotland and am assuming you are able to do this as your situation is almost identical to my husband caring for his mum. Get the POA amended to you being the main person for care and finance responsibility along with another family member if possible. Your mum will probably still want her son to be named on the POA so get him assigned as having care responsibility only. That way you can then encourage your mum that legally her money is to be used and spent by her alone as that is what the law states. It took a while to persuade MIL but it did get through and she now no longer gives anything to that son. We also tell she has to keep all her money in case she had to go into care and this surprisingly works!! Good luck I know your frustration

 

[ian01]

Thanks for the replies. Last week safeguarding briefly phoned me and said I should apply for deputy at court of protection but I'm not familiar with that and I'm sure they said the psychiatrist has said mum didn't now have mental capacity. I have the full report from the memory clinic appointment but it doesn't mention mental capacity.

 

[ian01]

I live in Scotland and am assuming you are able to do this as your situation is almost identical to my husband caring for his mum. Get the POA amended to you being the main person for care and finance responsibility along with another family member if possible. Your mum will probably still want her son to be named on the POA so get him assigned as having care responsibility only. That way you can then encourage your mum that legally her money is to be used and spent by her alone as that is what the law states. It took a while to persuade MIL but it did get through and she now no longer gives anything to that son. We also tell she has to keep all her money in case she had to go into care and this surprisingly works!! Good luck I know your frustration

Mum wouldn't do POA saying I was trying to take over her finances.

 

[ian01]

Hi @ian01 , I don't have any experience of a situation like this. If the consultant at the memory clinic made a safeguarding report I'd phone social services safeguarding and ask what follow up they are doing as you are extremely concerned also. They may not tell you anything but that will be a second request to them. Maybe her GP could raise a concern also. Hope you get some practical advice from someone who knows how to deal with this.
Best wishes

I phoned social services today and explained that I think my brother is pressuring mum into getting money for him. I'm waiting for them to phone me back.

 

[ian01]

This could be viewing as financial abuse especially if your brother is using aggression to get money from your mum but if she is willingly giving him money then I’m afraid there is little you can do until she no longer has mental capacity.
Your mum is already on social services radar following on from the memory clinic referral so keep going back to them.

Mum has never mentioned him being aggressive but I don't know how the drugs he takes affects him. He currently snorting cocaine in his bedroom in mums house and has previously smoked crack and cannabis.

 

[ian01]

This could be viewing as financial abuse especially if your brother is using aggression to get money from your mum but if she is willingly giving him money then I’m afraid there is little you can do until she no longer has mental capacity.
Your mum is already on social services radar following on from the memory clinic referral so keep going back to them.

I agree it's financial abuse of an elderly person.

 

[maggie6445]

Mum has never mentioned him being aggressive but I don't know how the drugs he takes affects him. He currently snorting cocaine in his bedroom in mums house and has previously smoked crack and cannabis.

Oh ,I'm sorry. The smoke from these drugs can't be good for your mum .
If the clinic said she hasn't mental capacity I'd contact her bank and see if they can offer advice on protecting her account. Say you are seeking help from safeguarding team at social services .

 

[ian01]

Oh ,I'm sorry. The smoke from these drugs can't be good for your mum .
If the clinic said she hasn't mental capacity I'd contact her bank and see if they can offer advice on protecting her account. Say you are seeking help from safeguarding team at social services .

I don't actually know if she has capacity or not as it doesn't mention it in the report. Would the bank even deal with me as I have no POA ?

 

[maggie6445]

I don't actually know if she has capacity or not as it doesn't mention it in the report. Would the bank even deal with me as I have no POA ?

I don't know if the bank would deal with you but at least you would know you'd done your best to protect her. The bank could give general advice maybe that would direct you .

 

[nitram]

I'm sure they said the psychiatrist has said mum didn't now have mental capacity

If safeguarding know that they have a duty to investigate and take appropriate action without delay.
Will psychiatrist sign a COP3 necessary for deputy application and useful for safeguarding.

Deputyship takes a long time to obtain and will only be useful in the long term.

 

[ian01]

If safeguarding know that they have a duty to investigate and take appropriate action without delay.
Will psychiatrist sign a COP3 necessary for deputy application and useful for safeguarding.

Deputyship takes a long time to obtain and will only be useful in the long term.

I'm hoping they will phone me today. In the last week £100 has been taken out 3 times from mums bank, my brother knows mums PIN number because she thinks she can trust him but she can't, he stole nearly £2000 from her about 15 months ago because of his drug debts. But because of her memory she can't remember anything about that. I'm desperate for social services to help me protect mum.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Thanks for the replies. Last week safeguarding briefly phoned me and said I should apply for deputy at court of protection but I'm not familiar with that and I'm sure they said the psychiatrist has said mum didn't now have mental capacity. I have the full report from the memory clinic appointment but it doesn't mention mental capacity.

Good advice from Safeguarding. When someone can't or won't grant PoA and - as it seems with your mum - is losing capacity, you can apply for Deputyship instead. (You can do it online. There is a cost but you can reclaim this from her funds.) It does take a while but once granted it would give you access to her finances so you could change her PIN, etc.

 

[ian01]

Good advice from Safeguarding. When someone can't or won't grant PoA and - as it seems with your mum - is losing capacity, you can apply for Deputyship instead. (You can do it online. There is a cost but you can reclaim this from her funds.) It does take a while but once granted it would give you access to her finances so you could change her PIN, etc.

Thanks for the reply. Any idea how long deputyship takes?

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Months. I think there's also a bit of a postcode lottery but apparently there's quite a backlog. All the more reason to get it started ASAP. And don't forget, there's nothing to stop your brother applying for it and you wouldn't want that.

 

[ian01]

Months. I think there's also a bit of a postcode lottery but apparently there's quite a backlog. All the more reason to get it started ASAP. And don't forget, there's nothing to stop your brother applying for it and you wouldn't want that.

Thanks, so if I apply do I have to tell mum? because if I do she will tell him about it. He obviously wouldn't want it to happen as it'll mean he wouldn't get any more money from mum.

 

[nitram]

Does mum use the PIN?
You can see transactions on the account, do you know the PIN?
Your mum could ask you to change the PIN because she thinks 'others know it'.