Thank you to all of you, for the replies, and to staff on this site for reaching out to me over the last few days.
I appreciate you all, and all the kindness you show.
I saw Dad on Saturday, and he seemed very disoriented, when I called him half hour before to say I'd be over he was like oh okay then when I got there he appeared to forget I had told him I was coming.
When we go shopping, he always wants the same thing, he now refuses to try anything different, I've tried to buy him treats like cake or chocolate, and once he'd love some cake but now he says no, very bluntly.
I hate the unknown, that I don't even know how long we have, I asked the GP the last time we went in and she said she couldn't say what stage he was in but I believe we are in mid stage, although this varies.
Me and Dad use to chat every night on the phone for hours, but now he doesn't want to, he says he's busy, or too tired but I know both these are a distraction and he just doesn't want any interaction.
When we go for a coffee, he sits and stares into thin air, and when I try to engage he gives short replies.
He had hearing aids fitted a short time ago after I got him seen urgently, given his diagnosis he got bumped up the waiting list but Dad says they don't work, yet he said they did when at the hospital, and swears that he needs a computer which they've not given him to use them.
So he refuses to wear them at all, and to be honest the hospital staff watched him struggle to put the aid in due to severe tremors he just couldn't do it for ages.
I get burned out, as sometimes I feel like maybe he's just being moody with me but I do know it's his illness deep down but it's such a struggle.
The other week when he stayed with me he came into my bedroom at 5am and said when are we going out, I was like Dad it's 5am we never go out this time and he said come on its 5am we go out now, yet he went back to bed after I told him no and never mentioned it since, I don't think he remembers himself doing it.
He refuses to allow anyone, not even me to put his clothes in his washing machine, I've tried and he literally got angry and turned it off at the wall, his place was hoovered and he hated it, said leave it all.
I sit up, most nights like now, it's almost 2am, and think one day, the day is going to come that either the Police, hospital or someone else is going to call me and tell me he's dead, and I can't think beyond that, because I can't see a life without him in mine.
I look back now, and see signs I missed, that he was unwell.
The tremors, the forgetting, getting lost, going missing, shutting himself away.
My meds have been increased, but I'm having some awful side effects with the increased dose, but I'm putting up with them because I must.
Social Services were notified about my worsening mental health a few weeks back, and I was told that I should have a needs assessment, but Dad doesn't want referrals, his GP has said they can't refer without his consent.
Unfortunately where I am they don't have any admiral nurses, I've called the helpline a fair few times, and had conversations but my area they only have one admiral nurses and she works full time in a care home so doesn't do anything on the outside.
What scares me is my own emotions/thoughts.
He still has a bad chest, will monitor it for another few days and if still hasn't improved I have to get him seen.
I think I am going to approach the Fortisips again with the GP, they refused to issue them last time as he said he was fine with solids and swallowing, but he lied, he has a swallowing issue. He's choked 3 times in 6 weeks and that's just the times I know of.
Luckily Dad is in sheltered housing so there are on site staff 24 hours.
Thank you again to each and every one of you, I hope you all have a good week.
Aqua sending you my best for your dad and mum.
Kcs it's a awful horrible cruel disease, we will fight on.