This is going to my last post, at least for sometime now.
I joined here in desperation of my current situation, and I am grateful, so grateful to each and every one of you who have commented, and the staff here who have privately contacted me.
However, to have 'Canary' say to me I've not listened to any of what has been said to me here is, in honest sense, hurtful.
That's not a dig at them, it's my opinion.
I have various other illnesses which I won't enter into here as I didn't join here for me, I did it to try and help my Dad.
You don't know my story, you don't know the bond I hold with my Dad and you only see what I type here.
I have done much of what has been suggested to me here, I called the helpline a few times, I've emailed local dementia charities, I have contacted the last week several solicitors for advice and also now have been put into contact with a specialist Advocate who is going to represent me against Social Services.
I've taken my Dad to the GP, I was the one who got him the MRI scan, I have been the one who has pushed for the Dementia drugs, all which failed.
I have put my own health to the back to help the man that raised me in this world, knowing just what had happened to be throughout my childhood.
I never came here for judgement, or at least digs against what I have and haven't done or listened to.
Maybe some people choose to put their loved one in a nursing home, but last Christmas my Dad cried to me, he told me he didn't want to ever go into a nursing home, he told me that was his wish, regardless what happens - he was deemed following Mini COG to have full capacity at that time, to which he also gave me Power of attorney although he hated signing it because he told me he didn't want to lose independence, and that's why I never registered it.
Maybe others are stronger, maybe others here have better support but I haven't even got over my Nan dying over 20 years ago, I don't have the support networks or family/friends most of you have here.
I promised my Dad I wouldn't put him into a care home, he wants to die at home and I know how fast people go downhill once they get put into a home.
Honestly, I don't know how I keep him out of one, at least permanently because now for some reason I have Social Services trying to interfere, maybe because Dad is already in sheltered housing.
Dad most likely has another serious condition [cancer/early stages of heart failure] do you think I am burying my head when I wake up every single day, every single day wondering when I go and see him that day, maybe he might be dead? Do you know how it feels wondering the last time I speak to him that night might be the last? I'm sure you do, so please don't ever tell me I haven't listened to the advice here, because I have - many of my posts here I was sobbing hard.
I'm not burying my head in any sand, I'm doing what I believe my Dad would want, and how he would want is to stay independent, and he wants to remain at home.
It's too painful coming here anymore, reading comments or other parts of this forum and then reaching out to have people tell me I'm burying my head - why say that, why not reply at all if you've nothing constructive to say to me.
I am doing my best, my best I am neglecting myself and own wellbeing.
Every day a little bit more of him dies, and you know something, every time a part of him dies, a little more of me dies with him.
I'm scared, I'm scared for him, I watch him stare at random things wondering how scared he is inside knowing he is dying because he does know, he knows enough to know how ill he is getting.
Today I found out he's definitely eating much less, he is going days without food.
Maybe he has entered end stage but I can't stop this cruel and evil disease slowly stealing the only person I ever love forever more.
I was too late telling him how much I loved him, how proud I am to call him my Dad, and even if I could of changed Dad's I never would.
He gets me Birthday cards thinking I am his Dad, do you understand how painful that is, I'm sure many of you here know.
I cry myself to sleep many nights, I try so hard to hold it together all for him but I'm broken, deep down I'm dying with him because the person I was is not there anymore.
I don't enjoy anything because if I drink a drink or want to watch something I feel guilty knowing Dad can't even do those basics.
I'm sorry I commented here and it seemed like I wasn't taking advice, I have.
I be judged whatever I do, and I won't be breaking the promise I said I wouldn't put him into a nursing home, if that means I have to force the council to get carers I will, because I fight it all the way in his best interests. But if I am honest with you all, I'm not even sure he'll make it to need full time care, he is rapidly deteriorating, losing mass weight - as I posted previously they have said they believe he has colon cancer which if he did have at that stage, would of spread by now - he has a proactive cough that hasn't gone so maybe it's spread to the lungs.
I am in pieces, broken, scared, and no words, no one can change how I feel because I just want my Dad to be okay and I feel so useless knowing I can't help him like he helped me all through my life.
My auntie died within a very short period after being put into a nursing home, she also had dementia - many will know here that putting someone into one will kill them much quicker.
I have spent hours and hours a day searching for help, advice, ideas, medications, trials, how to manage his symptoms, often until dawn each night searching the Internet to try and find ways of helping him.
But, I feel this is where my posts should end, at least for now and I joined here for comfort, support and suggestions.
I didn't join here to have someone tell me I'm burying my head, which maybe I am but I'm pretending to myself it'll all be okay, but I haven't neglected his interests doing that.
If only you really knew how much effort I've gone to helping him or at least try to.
I spent new year crying, in the kitchen, when he was sat in the living room completely unaware, I sobbed wishing he would just be okay.
I sobbed on my birthday when he forget.
I'm genuinely grateful for all of you here, the comfort, support and advice - and Canary I don't hold any bad feeling towards you but I don't appreciate someone who doesn't know the full story I haven't taken any advice here as I have done just now.
I've taken him to appointments, I've pushed him to eat/drink, but at the end of the day if he doesn't want it, I can't make him.
I may return one day here, and that frightens me even more because the next time I may not have a Dad.
I love him, I always will, this disease will never ever steal the love I hold for him and the memories we shared, which I just wish I could go back and do it all again with him.
I'm broken, I don't ever see myself being happy again, because I believed he'd be here with me all my life, however stupid that sounds.
Every night I went to bed as a child I told myself he'd be okay, always, that's before I saw how painful life is.
I wish all of you the very best in your journey with your loved ones, in this cruel, disgusting, horrible disease.
All I can pray and hope for now is my Dad somewhere inside him knows how much I so so badly love him and I will never ever stop loving him, even if he forgets who I am, even if he acts like he hates me because deep down, I know my Dad died a long time ago and the person who's left isn't him but this evil disease.
Take care everyone, I appreciate you all x
