I know she has definitely declined and they are now sedating her more and more
Exhausted
- Thread starter Jakesterblack
- Start date
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- alzheimer's disease
How do you deal with the guilt of moving parent into care home... I know in my head she has to go for her sake and ours but my heart breaks doing it. Also if they don't understand and just want to go home how do we go about it.. we are currently saying she may be moved from hospital somewhere else for a while for rehab until she is back on her feet... i feel cruel lying but don't know how to do it, if i say you are going into care home she will not deal with it....
I could well empathise with the guilt. Believe me, people do not put their loved ones to others' care (like care home) unless it is the last resort. And, often it is for their best interest. 24 hrs care, safety, not being alone etc. hopefully organised activities that they enjoy if they still can. Start with saying it is temporary, just a respite after the hospitalisation. be positive about it even if your heart is breaking. Help her accept ..Good luck, and hugs
Do you need the social work assessment @Jakesterblack if your mum is self-financing. Can you ask the home to assess her and then if social workers want to check they can do so when she is in the home. Being stuck for so long in hospital isn't great for your mum, or for you either.
Ye I was told if we are self financing and don't have social work assessment they won't have any input financially either, I know it's only like 300 a month but it's better than nothing, they home we are looking at is 1500 a week...
Just thinking about this.. so IF SW keep messing us about and assessment isn't happening... is it an option then for her to keep her pension and use that towards care and her savings to make up rest?? But what happens when savings run out and house is sold...
Had call there from Social Work who have now passed mum onto someone new again (this is social worker number 6)... asked if i can attend assessment at the hospital but I advised no, i'm not going to sit through it as I have sat through so many of these and mum tells the same story each time, she goes out herself shopping, does her housework and doesn't need any help... and I can't sit through it over and over.... they have agreed to meet me and mums to go over paperwork and bank statements and then assess mum next week at the hospital. So hopefully the ball will be rolling. They said they have to tell her she is going into care and I said she won't be happy... but I know this is what we have to do
Mum has finally been assessed by SW and they agree she needs full time care. Care home has a room which they have kindly kept for a week ... now waiting on hospital.. sorting out meds, discharge note and patient transport..... really hoping in next few days we can move her... my question now is how do i make this transition as easy as possible.. we can't tell her she's going into full time care, she won't cope so we have said she may have to move for rehab ... any tips much appreciated....
Telling her she is going for rehab is a good ploy. My mum went from hospital to her care home and I never did tell her either that it was a care home, nor that it was permanent. I told her that she was convalescing and after a few months she thought it was her actual home.
How about saying it's a move to the 'cottage hospital' for recuperation? Stress how much nicer it is. Maybe lie and say it's just till she's better and definitely preface everything with 'the doctor said you must...' so the blame will not be directed at you.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Thanks, I feel awful lying but know it's for the best and hopefully in time she will settle
Thankyou, it is a lovely care home and much nicer than being stuck on the hospital ward so hopefully it won't be as bad as i'm expecting and she has definitely "mellowed" on the new meds and is more content and happy than before
My mum went straight from hospital to the nursing home. I told her it was a “nursing place “ was very vague. Over a year later she still thinks it’s a nursing place and she is just there getting her diabetes stabilised. I used to absolutely hate lying to her, felt like she would find out all the lies I spill out to her, but I would rather her be happy than know that she is in a nursing home with dementia for the rest of her life. I say how much nicer it is to have her own room than being stuck on a hospital ward.
all the best for the transfer. It really is the best decision for your mum.
all the best for the transfer. It really is the best decision for your mum.
Nothing wrong with a Love Lies, we do I because it's for the best just say what you have to, lovely hotel you're in, house will be fixed soon so you can go home, sorting her diabetes whatever, but never, ever feel guilty when you're doing the right thing and it sounds to me like you are doing just that. K
Mum was transferred today we stayed for a while and told her rehab from hospital. I think small part of mum knows she is in care home. She repeatedly asked to go home, or even back to hospital, Said if we leave her there she will never forgive us, we tried to calm her down but left in tears, tried to hug her and reassure her but she pushed me and my sister away. I feel so guilty leaving her there. I know it's best for her but it's just hard
You are right @Jakesterblack it is the best place for your mum, and it is hard. But it will improve, as she hopefully settles and gets used to the change. Don’t let that guilt monster get into you or your sister. You have done the best and right thing for your mum. Try to sleep well tonight.
Thankyou. Everyone must feel this way. I think we will go back today but have agreed if goes same way we will leave and possibly have to do that for a few days to allow her to settle in on her own without our input. The staff at care home said sometimes that is easier for her but I honestly don't know. I thought I'd feel relief she is cared for and safe but all I feel is guilt x
I’m sorry your mum was so upset. It’s soul destroying having to leave them there even though you know it’s the best thing for them. She will settle. She will make a few friends and the staff will become like family to her. It will take a while, and it’s a bumpy road, so keep reminding yourself that she is safe, warm , fed and cared for.
Went to see mum on Saturday and things not really any better, care home said she had been good and i said are we upsetting her more being here she said sometimes they recommend family stay away for a bit to let them settle so we decided we will do that. Left Sunday and will leave today, tomorrow and then i might try Wed night after work and test the water... the staff have been great with her and i called them yesterday and they said she is eating and sitting in the day room. They said sometimes new people don't even eat so it's good she's not refusing food. It's a strange feeling because i feel a bit of relief that i know she is cared for 24 hours and can't do anything to put herself in danger but the guilt is taking over that ... I still keep waking up during the night and it's the first thing that i think of that my mum is going to be there now for the rest of her days...