Carehome - what else can I do?

[Toopie28]

Ma's been in a CH for the past 13 weeks.
As you know it was one of the worst time of my life to get her in there and also still dealing with the "did I do the right thing?" daily.

The CH is perfect for her faith (church) and I went through the wringer trying to find it. My point being, I can't fathom moving her or starting the process all over again.

Every time I call the home:
Oh she's doing so well and putting on weight! We encourage her to go to every meal. Ma: They force me to eat and stand there until I finish it.
Oh she participates in all the activities. Ma: They drag me to all their shows, what can I do? I have to go...
She never asks to go home... Ma: Always ask me of course AND anyone else that visits.
She's a mother hen to other residents. Now that's true - when Ma sees someone upset she takes care of them.
She's great - really doing well. I asked about the bruises... what bruises?

They don't communicate with each other OR me.

Two weeks ago I asked for a urine sample as I suspected she had a urine infection.
No, they said - she seems fine. We don't see the need to, as the doctor wants our opinion as opposed to family.

A week later, the "podiatrist" came out and supposedly did Ma's feet. 25 pounds later and they look just the same. Oh no, they were here - I mean there are no notes but yes, they saw her.

Then last week there was a new "manicurist" - she mangled Ma's friends hand.
I checked Ma's hands the next day and saw nicks near her cuticle. I also saw on another hand that the nail had been ripped as opposed to cut.
I told them that this women was obviously not licensed or experienced and to keep her away from Ma and other residents.
Oh, gosh - no idea how that happened, they said.
I asked them to please keep an eye out for that as she might get infected. Oh yes, they said.

Monday her finger looked red. I asked them if they thought it was okay and maybe to put some antiseptic or... Oh no, we'll keep an eye on it. It will be fine.

Yesterday, full blown infection. Her finger swelled up, red and raw. Oh, we'll keep an eye on it.

Should they be making notes on her file about this? Do you get reports on a monthly basis about how your LO is doing?

Is this me? Am I overreacting? I've not idea what to do here.

 

[Grannie G]

I don`t think you are over reacting if your mother has a finger infection. @Toopie28

Do you have a POA /LPA ? How often do you manage to visit?

If yes to both questions, perhaps the home will consult with you before any treatment is booked.

 

[Violet Jane]

I think that once you have lost trust in a care home you have to move the person. I don't think that the church aspect of the home is particularly important. Even if the person's own vicar / minister won't visit it's common practice for the vicar of the parish in which the home is located to visit residents and take services. I have to say though that you seem to have found fault with everyone who has provided care or related services to your mother. Move your mother by all means but have realistic expectations of institutional care otherwise you are always going to be dissatisfied.

 

[sdmhred]

i think what I knew would be the case is the frustration that in a care home you pay through the roof - but have to accept it’s never as good as the one to one care a family member would give. That’s a tough acceptance we have to come to. Care home staff are pressured and will do ‘good enough’ when we want the ‘best’.

Of course she will always tell you the worst most of the time!

If Ma is actually doing well - enjoying herself and not suffering I would be minded to keep her there and perhaps chat with them about how you can have some of your queries answered - can they provide you with a weekly / monthly copy of her records or update?

I have found communication is pretty bad unless I initiate it. I don’t get told when mum has appointments etc - I just get the bill. Also I have found best to talk to the carers on the floor - management say they will pass things on but it doesn’t happen. i have worked out who the best carers are and I go to them.

Mum is in a good home …but many frustrations - but I know I won’t find anything better - and she is kept clean and the carers are affectionate with her so I have to put up with the rest.

I am also trying to ‘emotionally distance’ myself so it doesn’t kill me too. I still Go every day …
but I have to leave some battles be….

 

[Jay M]

Every time I call the home:
Oh she's doing so well and putting on weight! We encourage her to go to every meal. Ma: They force me to eat and stand there until I finish it.
Oh she participates in all the activities. Ma: They drag me to all their shows, what can I do? I have to go...

Hi Toopie, I have no experience of care homes and what to expect, so can't really comment on the rest. But regarding your point about the activites, I wonder if it's just a case of the the staff being persuasive in the moment and so she happily goes along, whereas she might not be keen if you suggested the same activities to her. I get this all the time with my mother, I can suggest something and she's not interested, someone else comes and suggests the same, maybe in a slightly different way, and she'll say yes.
The question I would ask myself is, is it negative in your view that she is taken to the activities, or is it overall a good thing, in that it might break the boredom and give her the chance to interact with the other residents, even if it's not the type of activity she would necessarily choose to attend?

With regards to eating meals, maybe you could go along to one of the meals and get an impression for yourself?

She never asks to go home... Ma: Always ask me of course AND anyone else that visits.

Again, no experience of my own, but from what I have read on this forum, this is not unusual at all. It's very often the family and visitors, who are the connection to their past life, who will hear their wish to go home.

 

[Toopie28]

@Grannie G Thank you, yes. I did ask them but they don't allow anyone but the residents to be part of the "activity sessions" or even doctor appointments. That's their rule so...🤷‍♀️

@Violet Jane Yep, I do find fault with everyone that has provided care for my mother. I find fault with myself constantly. About her care, about what I did, what I'm doing and on and on and on.

@sdmhred
Mum is in a good home …but many frustrations - but I know I won’t find anything better - and she is kept clean and the carers are affectionate with her so I have to put up with the rest.

Thank you. That's what I keep reminding myself.

I am also trying to ‘emotionally distance’ myself so it doesn’t kill me too. I still Go every day …
but I have to leave some battles be….

Please, please let me know if you ever manage to do that. I would gladly pay for that - LOL
I actually did read somewhere that said "dementia will kill you too if you let it"

@Jay M Thank you, yes I am happy that she gets dragged to these activities. I think it's because when I snuck into one I saw her sitting so sad and unkempt and it was a shock to see her like that.
They don't let families participate in activities, which is fine. I think they do that so just the residents mingle.

And yes, the I want to go home thing is normal. I think... I know I'm just worn out by it. I suppose I'd just like one visit that goes smoothly but... it is what it is.

 

[Grannie G]

My husband’s care home wasn’t smart but the staff welcomed me at every visit, were delighted when I stayed to join activities and consulted me whenever necessary.

I understand your distress at the thought of trying to find a new home for your mother @Toopie28 , I had to for my mother, but what is your mothers home hiding?

 

[Cardinal]

When my mother was in a care home they sent me a calendar with all the activities and what they were serving for meals each month. I was welcome to attend activities or eat meals with my mom. I was warned that late afternoon was not the best time to visit because many residents had problems with sundowning then.

When visiting your mom, look at the other residents. How do they appear? Do they look happy, clean and well cared for? If the other residents look well cared for then your mom is probably also being well cared for. If the other residents look unkempt then you may want to rethink your mom being in that home.

 

[Toopie28]

My husband’s care home wasn’t smart but the staff welcomed me at every visit, were delighted when I stayed to join activities and consulted me whenever necessary.

I understand your distress at the thought of trying to find a new home for your mother @Toopie28 , I had to for my mother, but what is your mothers home hiding?

mmmmm, I may ask one of the carers I know well why that is... I suppose I didn't pursue it since I went one time at meal time and she kept waiting for me to turn up on other days and wouldn't go eat (messed with routine).

 

[Jools1402]

My Mum's care home actively welcomes family and pets. They would rather we weren't there at meal times - but they very often do "family brunch" or "family tea" where we are invited to dine with our loved ones - even some Prosecco. They love us to join in with activities - I suppose it "normalises" the activity for the residents.
Everything care-wise is recorded and I can see the records whenever I ask.
I think @Toopie28 I would be asking to have an amicable sit down chat with the nursing manager.