Hello there

[Pauline1964DIL]

Hello I'm new to this group but both myself and my husband are now full time carers for my father in law who has lived with us since September last year. He got the diagnosis of mixed dementia last December. At the moment he's in early stages so it's not too difficult yet. We are in the process of selling his tiny two bed bungalow. We then plan to sell our house and find a three bed bungalow for us all to live in. We are both retired and want to continue caring for him at home as long as possible.
Dare I say this though as much as we love him dearly the fact that he's with us 24/7 is taking its toll on our relationship (we've married for 39 years) I'm sure we'll adapt as time goes on but has anyone got any tips to help?

 

[backin]

X

 

[Kevinl]

Just hello and welcome, that and one day at a time is all I have to offer. First 10 years are the worst after that you just kind of used to it. K

 

[Gosling]

Hello and welcome @Pauline1964DIL to this friendly and supportive forum.

I am sorry to read about your Father in law's diagnosis. Even though you say he is early stages, it is a tough call caring for a parent with dementia. I do feel for you and your husband.

We are in the process of selling his tiny two bed bungalow. We then plan to sell our house and find a three bed bungalow for us all to live in. We are both retired and want to continue caring for him at home as long as possible.
Dare I say this though as much as we love him dearly the fact that he's with us 24/7 is taking its toll on our relationship (we've married for 39 years) I'm sure we'll adapt as time goes on but has anyone got any tips to help?

Just a word of caution about you all moving and living together. It can put a very tremendous strain on family life with a person with dementia as it progresses. If you are saying that it is taking its toll now on your relationship, then how are things going to be as his symptoms and behaviours progress. It is admirable that you want to support your Father in law by caring for him at home, but please please just have a think about what you are proposing to do, for the sake of your own family situation.
I'm sure others will be along shortly with their thoughts.

 

[Fugs]

@Pauline1964DIL , I think that you and your husband need to have a serious discussion about what your marriage can take. A crisis required my wife and I to take her parents into our house in 2018. It took 12 weeks to then get her mother into a care home and a further 5 months to get her father into sheltered accommodation. That is the first time I really experienced advanced dementia. It was extremely challenging, and our marriage was seriously strained. Now I am going through it again with my wife. Read the posts on this forum, there are no tips that can really make dealing with dementia in a loved one easier. It simply takes over your life.
I know that what you are doing seems the right decision, and that this is not the advice that you are looking for. Good luck and take care.

 

[yoy]

I don't have experience of moving in with a loved one with dementia, apart from having to stay at my mothers for a few months until a place in residential care was found. It was the most awful experience - the stress is horrendous. Are you prepared for dealing with extreme behaviour, double incontinence, being up all night, never being able to go out without him because he's not safe to be left alone, etc etc?
There have been a few posts such as yours on the forum and many people have advised not to do it. PWD's often end up needing a team of people working shifts to look after them safely i.e residential care, so think very hard about it if you are already struggling.
And don't be afraid of the care home option - there are some good ones out there. The care home was the best decision I made for my mum.