Your tips: what would you say to someone whose loved one is about to spend their birthday in a care home for the first time?

[HarrietD]

Every issue our magazine includes real life experiences, and they'd like to hear from you.

This month they're asking:

Do you have any advice for someone worried about a loved one with dementia who's about to spend their birthday in a care home for the first time?

For example, perhaps they're wondering whether and how to involve other care home residents or staff in celebrating it.

Maybe they're struggling to deal with their own mixed emotions, such as relief that the person's in a place with the right support around them, but also sadness that it can't be celebrated in the same way as before.

Or they might be worrying about what they can do to help make sure the person can enjoy their birthday as much as possible.

Is there anything that might help them decide how to approach this?

Please share your thoughts by the end of 6 March and they may be featured in the next issue of the magazine.

Thanks everyone

 

[Jessbow]

In my experience, birthdays in care homes are great!
Any excuse for cake!
Seiously, I think my late mother had a better birthday in the care home than she' had for years. Not sure she knew it was HER birthday though!

 

[thistlejak]

First thing I would say to them is 'don't worry too much - it will be fine'.
MIL had 3 birthdays in her EMI Nursing home - the first one was in full lockdown and the other 2 were still under restrictions. Seeing the photos that the home provided for us - as @Jessbow says - she had a ball even if she didn't think it was her birthday.
The hardest thing is what to buy for them - we bought, over time, nice nighties, toiletries, artificial flowers and plants (don't need looking after),slippers - you get the idea - useful mainly. We also sent a big box of sweets 'for her to share out amongst her friends' - suggested by our grandson as that is what he did at nursery.

 

[Sarasa]

Mum's first birthday in care was fun. I suggested the home get someone in to lead the residents in dancing as that was mum's great love. I think she had a fun time, we certainly did. Two weeks later everywhere was in lockdown. The following year we could only see her through a screen. My husband and I devised a dance for her to All That Jazz. I don't know what she thought of it, but it cheered the staff up no end. Later that day they had a Sinatra impersonator singing in the garden which she also enjoyed. Last year her new care home brought a cake to her bedside. She said it was horrible, but I thought it was one of the best cakes I've ever had. This year her birthday is next week and I'm looking forward to the cake even if she isn't.
T

 

[Pork Pie lady]

Don't feel you have got to do something special if they are not aware it is their birthday. It is more important they remain settled and stress free even if it means sticking the usual routine and doing else nothing at all.

 

[HarrietD]

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences with this - all really helpful ideas so far

 

[Banjomansmate]

Because he wouldn’t go downstairs to the communal rooms on his Birthday, the staff at The Banjoman’s care home produced a beautifully decorated cake, a card and a wrapped fun T-shirt as a present for him up in his room while I was there. The cake was shared around with everyone and we had a piece each with afternoon tea.

 

[HarrietD]

Thanks @Banjomansmate for sharing - that sounds like a lovely way to celebrate Banjoman's birthday in his care home, and sharing the cake is a good way to bring other people into it too.

 

[phill]

I agree with Pork Pie lady. Keep it low key. Sometimes dementia seems to affect the person's ability to have or show empathy, and however much effort you have taken to choose a card and gifts, however many miles you have driven and however long you have had to take off work to be there, they may just bin the card after a cursory glance and carry on with whatever they were doing before you arrived!

 

[HarrietD]

This thread is now closed. Thanks everyone for your contributions here - all really helpful