Your tips: how to adjust after someone moves into care

[HarrietD]

Every issue our magazine includes real life experiences, and they want to hear from you. This time, we're asking what advice would you give to someone with dementia, as well as their family and friends, to help adjust after moving into a care home?

Do you have any tips about what to do when this happens? Have there been ways you've coped with it that have helped?

Please feel free to add your comments below, and they may be featured in the next issue of the magazine.

Thanks everyone

 

[Canadian Joanne]

What I did when my mother first went into a retirement home, then a nursing home, was to get to know the staff as well as possible. I am a sociable and chatty person, so it wasn't difficult for me to do so. Having that personal relationship with many staff members was extremely helpful to me. In fact, I once heard one staff member say to another that I was "one of them".

It is important to realize that the staff are human also and have their own cares and woes. If they do the best they can, we can ask no more.

 

[maryjoan]

When a loved one is diagnosed with dementia, lots of cogs start turning, with family, friends, consultants, social services, care agencies and others.

There is one cog that is likely to grind to a halt. That is the primary carer of someone with dementia.

Somehow, this person is largely overlooked by family and friends - 'oh. she is coping, it's just a bit of bad memory, they will be OK' 'She is still smiling, she is alright with him' etc etc

The cog grinds to an unhappy halt, and many people realise that not only has the cog halted, but, on inspection, is completely worn out.

Care Home - that's the answer!

We can leave the worn out cog, it will be OK, we will sort a care home out.

But what about the cog?

Did it work too hard, or not hard enough. Could it have kept going a little longer, or should it have broken down long ago?

How to come to terms now with a Care Home, and what advice?

I had an Aunty Betty, she was lovely, and much loved. She ended up in a Care Home in the late stages of dementia. It was many miles, and across the water from me - but I went to see her. There was a new manager in the Care Home who insisted that all the residents had their names on their room doors......

My Aunty's room said that she was called 'Elizabeth.' I was furious!

I understand that hearing is just about the last sense to leave us when death is approaching...I reasoned that if Aunty Betty had any remnants of the lady I knew, and could hear, and could make a little sense of what she heard - she would be very lonely. Because if they were calling her 'Elizabeth' ( and they were) she would not recognise herself.

I asked them to call her 'Betty' and put 'Betty' on the name on the door. That made me feel a little better in respect of if Aunty Betty was 'still there' in any form, at least she would not now be alone, she would know they were talking to her.

I am now a cog in another piece of machinery as daily my loved OH becomes more distant - I hope when the time comes, (if) I will be able to give the Care Home that little bit of information that might tell my OH that he is still loved and not forgotten.

The Devil is in the detail.

 

[AliceA]

When a loved one is diagnosed with dementia, lots of cogs start turning, with family, friends, consultants, social services, care agencies and others.

There is one cog that is likely to grind to a halt. That is the primary carer of someone with dementia.

Somehow, this person is largely overlooked by family and friends - 'oh. she is coping, it's just a bit of bad memory, they will be OK' 'She is still smiling, she is alright with him' etc etc

The cog grinds to an unhappy halt, and many people realise that not only has the cog halted, but, on inspection, is completely worn out.

Care Home - that's the answer!

We can leave the worn out cog, it will be OK, we will sort a care home out.

But what about the cog?

Did it work too hard, or not hard enough. Could it have kept going a little longer, or should it have broken down long ago?

How to come to terms now with a Care Home, and what advice?

I had an Aunty Betty, she was lovely, and much loved. She ended up in a Care Home in the late stages of dementia. It was many miles, and across the water from me - but I went to see her. There was a new manager in the Care Home who insisted that all the residents had their names on their room doors......

My Aunty's room said that she was called 'Elizabeth.' I was furious!

I understand that hearing is just about the last sense to leave us when death is approaching...I reasoned that if Aunty Betty had any remnants of the lady I knew, and could hear, and could make a little sense of what she heard - she would be very lonely. Because if they were calling her 'Elizabeth' ( and they were) she would not recognise herself.

I asked them to call her 'Betty' and put 'Betty' on the name on the door. That made me feel a little better in respect of if Aunty Betty was 'still there' in any form, at least she would not now be alone, she would know they were talking to her.

I am now a cog in another piece of machinery as daily my loved OH becomes more distant - I hope when the time comes, (if) I will be able to give the Care Home that little bit of information that might tell my OH that he is still loved and not forgotten.

The Devil is in the detail.

You are so right x

 

[Susan11]

When a loved one is diagnosed with dementia, lots of cogs start turning, with family, friends, consultants, social services, care agencies and others.

There is one cog that is likely to grind to a halt. That is the primary carer of someone with dementia.

Somehow, this person is largely overlooked by family and friends - 'oh. she is coping, it's just a bit of bad memory, they will be OK' 'She is still smiling, she is alright with him' etc etc

The cog grinds to an unhappy halt, and many people realise that not only has the cog halted, but, on inspection, is completely worn out.

Care Home - that's the answer!

We can leave the worn out cog, it will be OK, we will sort a care home out.

But what about the cog?

Did it work too hard, or not hard enough. Could it have kept going a little longer, or should it have broken down long ago?

How to come to terms now with a Care Home, and what advice?

I had an Aunty Betty, she was lovely, and much loved. She ended up in a Care Home in the late stages of dementia. It was many miles, and across the water from me - but I went to see her. There was a new manager in the Care Home who insisted that all the residents had their names on their room doors......

My Aunty's room said that she was called 'Elizabeth.' I was furious!

I understand that hearing is just about the last sense to leave us when death is approaching...I reasoned that if Aunty Betty had any remnants of the lady I knew, and could hear, and could make a little sense of what she heard - she would be very lonely. Because if they were calling her 'Elizabeth' ( and they were) she would not recognise herself.

I asked them to call her 'Betty' and put 'Betty' on the name on the door. That made me feel a little better in respect of if Aunty Betty was 'still there' in any form, at least she would not now be alone, she would know they were talking to her.

I am now a cog in another piece of machinery as daily my loved OH becomes more distant - I hope when the time comes, (if) I will be able to give the Care Home that little bit of information that might tell my OH that he is still loved and not forgotten.

The Devil is in the detail.

I experienced the opposite with my Mum. She had been called Margaret for many years but when asked she told the CH her name was Peggy ....the name she was called by when she was much younger!

 

[Ree123]

Ok, apologies if this may come across as trite. (Its not meant to) after dealing with my father, vascular dementia, 3 care homes, sundowning, aggression, wandering, carer exhaustion etc. Weve finally found a decent Nursing home. He's been in there 4 months, and the change in us as carers, has been a Godsend.

Make use of any respite opportunities there are. Its not cheap, but to know for 24-7 your loved one is cared for, whilst you CAN SLEEP. Is worth its weight in gold.

Know that having to put your loved one with dementia into a Nursing home is not failure as a carer. You are doing the best you can for them. You were on call 24-7 and its exhausting, leading to carer burnout, mental health issues, stress and associated health problems. A nursing home has a team of people on call for your loved one, a member of their staff works a shift and is not there 24-7 like you were. You will find (if the home is a good one) that your relationship with your loved one with dementia improves. That after that period of total rest, you will begin to find you, the person before the carer role took over...

No guilt.

 

[WifeyLT]

Ok, apologies if this may come across as trite. (Its not meant to) after dealing with my father, vascular dementia, 3 care homes, sundowning, aggression, wandering, carer exhaustion etc. Weve finally found a decent Nursing home. He's been in there 4 months, and the change in us as carers, has been a Godsend.

Make use of any respite opportunities there are. Its not cheap, but to know for 24-7 your loved one is cared for, whilst you CAN SLEEP. Is worth its weight in gold.

Know that having to put your loved one with dementia into a Nursing home is not failure as a carer. You are doing the best you can for them. You were on call 24-7 and its exhausting, leading to carer burnout, mental health issues, stress and associated health problems. A nursing home has a team of people on call for your loved one, a member of their staff works a shift and is not there 24-7 like you were. You will find (if the home is a good one) that your relationship with your loved one with dementia improves. That after that period of total rest, you will begin to find you, the person before the carer role took over...

No guilt.

Ree123 - this is just the post I needed to read today ... We're taking my dad to his first respite stay on Saturday and my mum and I feel torn up by it even though we're both exhausted with trying to manage on all sides ... I need to focus on this as respite and not the final answer ... Thank you.

 

[HarrietD]

Thanks so much everyone for your helpful suggestions so far

I'll be closing this thread on Monday, so there's still plenty of time to add your comments.

 

[canary]

When mum moved into her care home I tried to think of it as her having just moved. If she had moved to a flat or even a bedsit it would have been OK, but the fact that it was a care home seemed to make it different. So I never, ever said to anyone (not even myself) that I had "put her in a home", but decided to think of it as mum having moved to a bed-sit with communal facilities and staff around to help her. If I thought of it in terms of mum just having moved home again it made it easier.

 

[Jale]

Mum has been in a nursing home since September, and I have found it difficult to "let go", having to put my trust in strangers to look after her and care for her. Getting to know the carers and to share things that mum used to like doing (or not as the case may be), and to watch the carers interact with her. I can see the carers that mum likes and those she doesn't - not because they have done anything wrong but for some reason in her head she doesn't like them (found out the other day that Mum doesn't like one carer because she is tall !!!).

I can now spend more quality time with Mum as I am not nagging at her to eat/drink etc and that is a big bonus that I have accepted gratefully