worried whether I have done the right thing moving dad to a care home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Moose01, Dec 27, 2015.

  1. Moose01

    Moose01 Registered User

    Dec 27, 2015
    We moved my dad into a care home 5 days ago. I thought it would be the best thing for him as he was becoming increasingly confused especially in the evenings, thinking it was the morning and getting up in the night. He lived alone but I live close by and used to ring him in the mornings and go round in the evenings.

    He used to go to a day care centre at the home once a week and he really enjoyed it so I thought he would settle in well to the care home as he would have company and activities to do. How wrong I was.

    He seems to be getting more and more wound up as the days go on, he wants to go home and can't stand the fact that he can't get out. I have tried telling him that he needs to stay there now as that is where he lives and it is much nicer than being at home on his own and they can look after him but of course he says he can look after himself he doesn't need people to look after him.

    I am worried we have moved him there too soon and we should have just carried on as we were and crossed this bridge further down the line when he was worse. I thought he would have a better quality of life at the care home but he hates it. I just want to bring him home but am now worried about how he will settle back at home, I just don't know what to do for the best. I know we will have to go through this again at some point if I bring him home but maybe it will not be as bad for him further down the line.

    My husband has tried to get me to sit down and go through the options, we can modify the house so he stays down stairs this will reduce the risk of falls but doesn't help with the confusion. I am going to ring to talk to someone about maybe having a night sitter but I am assuming that will be expensive.

    I just don't know what to do for the best.
  2. marmarlade

    marmarlade Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    i had to put my hubby into care 11 months ago it went just the same as your dad wanted to come home didnt like it there people were horrible to him some one kept hitting him on the head, he wouldnt talk to me said id put him there as i didnt want him any more and so i went on for several weeks ,but it does settle down and please dont think of bringing him home again how ever much it hurts as we put them into care when we know we cant cope any more just tell him he has to stay till hes better it worked for me so i might help sending you love as its so hard
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Welcome to TP :)

    5 days is hardly any time for him to settle. It can take weeks sometimes. Be strong & presevere knowing your dad is safe.
    I wouldn't bring him home.
  4. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    Moose I wrote down the reasons why mum went into care. She actually improved in there .
    There were reasons mum moved into care, she knew she had to after dad died.
    There were reasons your dad needed to go into care.
  5. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    You know your Dad best and you also know how much you think you can cope with. If you are going to consider bringing him home why don't you leave him there for the 4 weeks that he would have if it was say respite or rehab and meanwhile work out with your family your list of options, tell dad at the moment this is temporary to see how it goes, and then after 4 weeks re-evaluate. It is all so new to all of you at the moment that it is hard to make that decision.
    My mum went to rehab following an op and I knew after 2 weeks that it wasn't going to be ok for her in the long term and that we would need to work around it. I really believe that you are the only person who knows everyone/thing well enough to decide. I would just give it a chance and then follow your instinct xxxx You will know but try not to do it on impulse xxx
  6. Clueless2

    Clueless2 Registered User

    May 14, 2015
    My mum went into a care home August 2015, prior to that she had been looked after by my dad, covering up for her dementia for the previous 10 years. Like your dad, my parents lived so close, just two roads away. i never envisaged them needing 24 hour live in care (at an eye watering £1300/ week) let alone a care home (less at £800/ week)

    Dementia sadly isn't a predictable illness. What your dad is like this week may not be how he is next week. In all likelihood if you were to take him into your home, he would not settle. He would still be confused as to why he couldn't be at home. He would be just as likely to be up all night, but unlike in the care home, come the morning you will not be able to leave at the end of a shift, for your shift is never ending, 24 hours every day. That is regardless of whether you are able to snatch the odd hour or so away by using a paid for sitter, as you will still be sorting his meds, paperwork, washing etc.

    How will you cope if he becomes aggressive? Not all dementia patients do, but believe me I never believed that my little sweet mum would grab me by the hair and smash my head against the wall, but she did.

    5 days is no time at all to settle. Instead of telling him that it is where he lives now, which incidentally would have enraged my mum, why not try telling him that he hasn't been well of late and that his GP just wants him to stay there while he regains his strength and health, be a little less muddled and then he can return home.

    There is sadly some truth in the view that a loved one can become too far down the dementia road for some care homes to accept. There are some wonderful care homes out there, with staff who genuinely do care. I know that despite it being her worst fear, that mum is much better where she is now; stimulated, well cared for and above all safe, every hour of the day. Please give your dad more time to settle, try to work with the staff to find ways that you can help him to settle, perhaps change the time you visit or frequency of visits. Good luck.
  7. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    After about 8 weeks from leaving home my mum improved. Th8s was in hospital. After 4 months in hospital she moved to a care home. She is so much better this christmas versus last. Tell him its until he feels better. Blame the doctor if you have to. Love lies to keep him safe.
  8. angelface

    angelface Registered User

    Oct 8, 2011
    Please give your dad a bit more time to settle. It can take months sometimes.

    Could you take him out for a walk when you visit? Or pay for a sitter to go out with him?
    Unless of course the CH is near enough to his house that he might return home.
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    It took mum about 4 weeks to settle and I consider that quick.
    She is now so much better than she was and always has people to chatter to - even during the night!
    5 days is nothing.
  10. Moose01

    Moose01 Registered User

    Dec 27, 2015
    update re worried whether I have done the right thing

    Thank you to all those who have responded regarding our recent decision to move dad to a care home. It has helped a lot. I visited my dad this afternoon and he still idd not want to be there but as some of you suggested I said the doctor said he had to stay for a bit, he didn't believe me but I kept reiterating that. I take some comfort that he at least did not expect to be going home with us when we left, although it hurt when he said if I wasn't going to take him home don't bother to come and that he would top himself. I did manage to get him to play a card game with me which we used to sometimes play at home, he refused at first but once my husband and I started to play he did join in for a bit. Still very hard to see him miserable and that it is because of our decision but I will try to avoid making any rash decisions and see how things go over the next week. Thank you for the support.
  11. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    It may take several weeks to months for him to settle fully, don't worry at this stage.
    How do the staff say he is when your not there?

  12. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    I feel for you Moose. But I agree with what others have said; that five days is no time to judge how your dad's going to feel in the home. We were told to keep repeating that the doctors needed my mum to stay for a bit, until they sorted out what was wrong. This was a psychiatric ward and, as she was sectioned, I had no chance of removing her. That didn't make me feel any better, but I had to accept there was nothing I could do. My mum also talked about taking her own life during this period; something that had never crossed her lips before. Your dad must be feeling very confused, and is probably still able to comprehend a change in circumstances, and not one for the better.

    However, it sounds like your dad would be at risk if he wasn't in full-time care and, horrible as it seems to us, he probably will come to accept that this is his life now. Acceptance of circumstances can make such a lot of difference (for us, as well as our family members). All the best.
  13. Moose01

    Moose01 Registered User

    Dec 27, 2015

    The staff say he walks around a lot and won't settle although he is eating. Some staff say they can have a chat with him but I think he is also becoming more frustrated and angry with them. He tells me he swears at them and tells them to get off. They struggle to get him to bed as he doesn't want to go.
  14. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    Keep posting Moose xxx
    Don't make any rash decisions but remember at the end of all this YOU know him best and you will do whatever you think best xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Thinking of you at this really difficult time xx
  15. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    I wouldn't worry about the walking around. This is normal for many people with dementia - some will wander around half the day or night. Until very late in the disease my mother was always wandering around her care home, both day and night.
  16. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    You didn't live with your dad so it may be that there were other things going on that you weren't aware of . I know my OH wanders lot in the night. Falls out with me over things I haven't said or done. Swears about other people which he never used to do. Today had a total shock at being told we had a son ( now 24 ) why did I keep it secret from him ? Was he adopted ,how could I do that ? ( no he lived with us until may when he got his own place in May and spent Christmas with us ).
    I suppose my point is that if your dad lived with you full time you may find that these traits he shows in the home will continue when he is living with you . Remember a lot of the time it is not you as you but just someone he may or may not recall. Having made the decisionI would leave him in the best care. My mum settled well my sil mother was a troubled soul in a home for 7 years ,but she would have been a troubled soul at home and her husband could not cope. Thinking of you .

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