Hi, not really sure what advice I'm looking for, just want to get some things off my chest and get any thoughts/opinions... Apologies in advance for long post, thanks in advance if you read it all.
My gran has dementia. She lives alone, but her daughter (my mum) lives very close (<1 minute away). She has a son too, but he has his own issues and can't be relied upon as a carer.
My gran's condition has been deteriorating a lot over the last few months - she's more or less bedridden, very confused (not recognising her own house, not knowing the difference between day and night, unable to communicate well, requiring lots of attention) and is unable to go to the toilet/commode by herself (and she needs to go frequently).
We have carers coming in twice-daily (9am-1pm and 5-7pm, soon to change to 10am-noon, 2-4pm, 6-8pm), but I increasingly feel like it's not enough. My mum has been very reluctant to get any carers and tries to do as much herself as possible. She sees having anyone else take care of her mum as some kind of failure, yet when she takes care of her she's frequently in tears and appears like she's ready to snap (I understand how difficult/frustrating it is, but if it were a carer raising their voice to my gran in the same way I wouldn't want that person involved in her care). My mum's also keen to leave her alone at times so she doesn't get used to having someone around all the time (I think she's beyond that stage and it's a disaster waiting to happen). Someone does sleep in her house every night, but that person inevitably gets a very broken sleep.
At the moment I'm unemployed (only as of last week), but when I find work my gran's going to be left alone a lot more (2 hours at a time during the day) and I don't think it's a good idea at all. Additionally, I'm really worried about my mum's sanity. Any mentions of respite or other options just result in my mum being in tears (her dad had dementia too, and we had pretty bad experiences of a care home and a hospital - she also always refers to Panorama-type programmes about abuse in homes. I know it happens, and it isn't acceptable, but it can't be the norm?).
The current situation just doesn't seem sustainable, and it isn't fair on anyone (my gran included). I've no idea what I can do to help; I care for her when I'm here, but increasingly that's really difficult for me as a lot of the care she needs is very personal and I'm not best placed to deal with it. I want to do whatever I can to lead my mum down the best route for everyone, without her feeling like she has failed (I really don't believe she has in any way).
Thanks.
My gran has dementia. She lives alone, but her daughter (my mum) lives very close (<1 minute away). She has a son too, but he has his own issues and can't be relied upon as a carer.
My gran's condition has been deteriorating a lot over the last few months - she's more or less bedridden, very confused (not recognising her own house, not knowing the difference between day and night, unable to communicate well, requiring lots of attention) and is unable to go to the toilet/commode by herself (and she needs to go frequently).
We have carers coming in twice-daily (9am-1pm and 5-7pm, soon to change to 10am-noon, 2-4pm, 6-8pm), but I increasingly feel like it's not enough. My mum has been very reluctant to get any carers and tries to do as much herself as possible. She sees having anyone else take care of her mum as some kind of failure, yet when she takes care of her she's frequently in tears and appears like she's ready to snap (I understand how difficult/frustrating it is, but if it were a carer raising their voice to my gran in the same way I wouldn't want that person involved in her care). My mum's also keen to leave her alone at times so she doesn't get used to having someone around all the time (I think she's beyond that stage and it's a disaster waiting to happen). Someone does sleep in her house every night, but that person inevitably gets a very broken sleep.
At the moment I'm unemployed (only as of last week), but when I find work my gran's going to be left alone a lot more (2 hours at a time during the day) and I don't think it's a good idea at all. Additionally, I'm really worried about my mum's sanity. Any mentions of respite or other options just result in my mum being in tears (her dad had dementia too, and we had pretty bad experiences of a care home and a hospital - she also always refers to Panorama-type programmes about abuse in homes. I know it happens, and it isn't acceptable, but it can't be the norm?).
The current situation just doesn't seem sustainable, and it isn't fair on anyone (my gran included). I've no idea what I can do to help; I care for her when I'm here, but increasingly that's really difficult for me as a lot of the care she needs is very personal and I'm not best placed to deal with it. I want to do whatever I can to lead my mum down the best route for everyone, without her feeling like she has failed (I really don't believe she has in any way).
Thanks.