Wobbly

[together]

Heading towards a year since losing Mum and suddenly it's all back,the guilt I'd tried to come to terms with, the emotions hitting from nowhere and the dreadful memories of the last days in the home. Wasn't expecting this but just reliving it over and over. Just want to give her a hug and say I'm so sorry. No one close knows what I saw and how poorly she was treated so can't share with anyone, Dad doesn't even know when she died as he seems to have blanked it all out. Just a wobbly emotional moment, sorry
Katherine x

 

[jan.s]

Dear Katherine
How I feel for you having to go through these thoughts on your own. Can you take comfort from the fact that Mum is now at peace? I'm sure that your Mum knew you loved her and was pleased you were with her.
Thinking of you, with love
Jan x

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Katherine

Your dad is probably coping in a way best for him but it`s tough you are unable to share your grief.

I have no experience of this depth of grief but I am really sorry it is so hard for you. xx

 

[piedwarbler]

I think it is absolutely normal to wobble around anniversaries, I know I do. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and allow the sad feelings to come. There are some horrible moments to remember, and no one ever prepares you for them, because we don't really talk about it, do we? I think it is good that we can come to TP and let our feelings out.

Take care xx sending you a hug xx and love,

 

[together]

A friend gave me snowdrops to plant in my garden in Mums memory (and forget me knot) -have been out and uncovered the snowdrops to find them flowering.The weekend she died in Feb I remember everywhere I looked was a carpet of snowdrops. Not sure if i love them at the moment or dread seeing them. Isn't that silly. Again no one else realises, is this due again to a family full of males around me?

 

[sistermillicent]

Hi Katherine, I am sure this is an awful time for you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you did your best and you didn't desert your mum when she needed you, and you have been a wonderful support to your dad, which I am sure your mum would have been very pleased about.

It might be a good idea to find someone you can talk to about what you saw, it probably feels as though you would cry and not be able to stop but that would be okay and believe me, you would stop eventually.

xx

 

[lisa1]

Hi Katherine
this is a very difficult time and lots of memories will come for you. It's hard feeling this way when you have males in the family!
Recall the good memories of your lovely Mum when you start to feel overloaded with the negative feelings and memories.
I'm thinking of you xx

 

[together]

Have just managed to go out on the hills with a tiny posy - freesia and a rosebud from my valentine flowers to say goodbye a year on. It's a year tomorrow but wasn't allowed to be with her at the end so today was the last time i saw Mum.The sun worked it's magic on the distant hills - looked magic and my faithful dog sat as ever patiently, almost guarding my spot. Memories sadly still so bitter of the end. Still don't know whether to mention anything to Dad tomorrow as i believe he thinks Mum died in May. Thanks to TP for such wonderful support through the dreadful lows this year has brought. Katherine xx

 

[together]

One of my brothers has just rung and informed me that they've sent a card today to Dad on the anniversary so if he hadn't realised he does now. I don't know what to do tomorrow- feel awful now as haven't mentioned it to shield him but should I call and risk upsetting him,maybe e mail a favourite picture, too late to post him anything. I just want to make hard times easy for him but don't knowwhat to do.

 

[sistermillicent]

Don't do anything, there is no need, you are all in this together and all feeling it, no one needs more concern and attention than you so use all your strength for yourself today,
thinking of you.

xxxx

 

[Helen33]

Hello Katherine,

I don't do anniversaries usually of any kind so I am always taken by surprise at how certain anniversaries surrounding Alan's illness and death affect me It does seem very strange to me but I have learned that they pass. I think I am more used to the affects now and that they pass so I think I relax more and just let it happen. Hope this makes sense.

I was like your dad. I blanked out so much of the last 3 months of Alan's life. Don't know how that happened either but I believe it is a safety mechanism to do with trauma. My daughter talks to me sometimes about what happened, as she was a witness to many things. I like it when she talks to me about it. However, I then forget again!!!!

Thinking of you today.

Love

 

[together]

Helen, thank you - should have taken your advice but just reading your view has helped. I DID ring and mentioned my brothers card - asked if he'd like me to e mail him some happy photo memories. He said 'NO'. Then chatted generally during which I struggled to hold it together and answer at all. Thank goodness he couldn't see me.
Not an easy day but another hurdle over .