Will she forget me?

[Liiz]

Hi all.

My mum was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's just before Christmas. We have suspected for 2 years, however it has taken this long to get a formal diagnosis. The pandemic has (I believe) massively accelerated my mum's memory loss.

I have so many questions and worries.

One which I cannot seem to remove from my head is when and if she will forget me? I've always had such an amazing relationship with my mum. I aspire to be her. During her life and career she has been so incredibly strong, powerful and focussed on everything. I only wish I am half the person she is during my life time.

I suppose I'm asking a question that can't be answered. I know dementia is different for each person. I dread the day she may not know who I am.

I'm finding this so hard.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello and welcome @Liiz

It is possible that your mum will forget you but that is not a certainty.

I have just answered another thread with a tale of a recent conversation I had with my wife. The moral of the tale is that the relationship may be forgotten in name but not in the essence of the love that was it's foundation.

This is the tale:-

It is possible that your OH does still have some notion of his feelings for you - whatever they were.

My wife is almost completely unaware of who I am, or what our relationship is. However, recently I was driving to the pharmacy, with my wife, to collect my wife's meds, and we had a conversation that my wife started and which went like this:-

Do you know something?

I know a lot of things, what are you thinking about?

This might change things.

Oh, what are you thinking?

Are you married?

Yes.

At that point my wife got upset and tearful so I asked what was up. Turned out she wanted to marry me!!

There was still something deep inside.

 

[canary]

My mum knew me till the end.
OK, she couldnt always remember my name and relationships became a bit tricky, but she always knew me and her face lit up whenever she saw me.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Liiz and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. We are a supportive and friendly community and I am sure that you will find good information and understanding here. It may well be likely that at some point, as dementia develops, your mum will start to lose her sense of time, place and person. She may still recognise you but perhaps mix you up with other people who have been important to her. She may get your name wrong or not be able to fathom or articulate quite who you are. Whether she will completely forget you is almost impossible to know.

But it need not be as bad as your fear. Names and relationships are just a small part of human interconnection and bonding. Even when my wife calls me 'Dad' or appears not to know who I am, I take comfort in knowing that she still trusts me to help her, is content for me to sit alongside her, perhaps give her a kiss or hold hands. It really doesn't matter if she doesn't remember my name, who I am or what our life together has meant. Deep inside she still holds on to something that tells her that I am somehow important to her. That is as good as I could wish for at her advanced stage of disease.

I suggest trying to take a positive view that, no matter what, you are a vital part of your mother's life and will remain so despite anything that dementia can do. Consider, perhaps, that whether she knows you or not, you still know and love her. The loss of so many things that make for a normal relationship will surely be much harder for her.

 

[sdmhred]

Hello @Liiz - I’m glad you’ve found this place where it’s safe to articulate our dementia fears. As @northumbrian_k and @karaokePete habe suggested I also hold onto the feeling deep within. My mum recognises me pretty much most of the time but she will From time to time think I am a ‘good friend’ in her words. I take comfort that I am a good friend in her mind - she thinks we’re having a few days holiday together etc. She will often tell her good friend about Rachel (which is me) and I’m always chuffed it’s nice stuff. It completely freaked me out the first time it happened but now I enter her world and chuckle that we’re uni friends out for the day together.
it’s almost as if dementia is a bit of a dance. It makes its move - and we need to adjust our moves and head to manage it and some how limp along together.
I still have lots of fears of the future - but try to focus on the day in hand. When that’s hard, just get through the next couple of hours etc.

 

[SERENA50]

Hello

I have thought about this myself. It this is my own very personal view that no matter what happens the essence/feeling of love will still be in someone somewhere 💕 It might be deep down and hidden away but I don't believe it can entirely disappear at least there is some comfort in thinking that. x

 

[Liiz]

Thank you all, so very helpful to hear you share your experiences. Just taking each day as it comes.

 

[Feeling unsupported]

Hello and welcome @Liiz

It is possible that your mum will forget you but that is not a certainty.

I have just answered another thread with a tale of a recent conversation I had with my wife. The moral of the tale is that the relationship may be forgotten in name but not in the essence of the love that was it's foundation.

This is the tale:-

It is possible that your OH does still have some notion of his feelings for you - whatever they were.

My wife is almost completely unaware of who I am, or what our relationship is. However, recently I was driving to the pharmacy, with my wife, to collect my wife's meds, and we had a conversation that my wife started and which went like this:-

Do you know something?

I know a lot of things, what are you thinking about?

This might change things.

Oh, what are you thinking?

Are you married?

Yes.

At that point my wife got upset and tearful so I asked what was up. Turned out she wanted to marry me!!

There was still something deep inside.

❤️❤️❤️

 

[Jerseygirl]

Hello. I look after and live with my mother with alzheimers. She sometimes cannot remember my name or that i am the photo of the baby on the wall, but she knows i care and look after her and we are very close still. Its always been just her and me so i am still very grateful for that.

 

[tracy ozzy]

Hi all.

My mum was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's just before Christmas. We have suspected for 2 years, however it has taken this long to get a formal diagnosis. The pandemic has (I believe) massively accelerated my mum's memory loss.

I have so many questions and worries.

One which I cannot seem to remove from my head is when and if she will forget me? I've always had such an amazing relationship with my mum. I aspire to be her. During her life and career she has been so incredibly strong, powerful and focussed on everything. I only wish I am half the person she is during my life time.

I suppose I'm asking a question that can't be answered. I know dementia is different for each person. I dread the day she may not know who I am.

I'm finding this so hard.

My dad never forgot my mum myself and my daughters...but we was very close all his life

 

[Sue741215]

Hi Liz - I was glad to see you are taking each day as it comes - it is really all we can do - try to make the most of what we have and don't worry about the future except for the practical aspects eg Power of Attorney. I don't know how advanced your mum's dementia is but it may be useful for you to read Wendy Mitchell's books on dementia detailing how she has lived with dementia. I found it an inspiring read while at the same time seeing that she is dealing with it totally differently from my husband who either pretends or doesn't know he has it. You seem to be a great daughter with a great mother so I think you will still have some good times together. Remember to look after your own life as well as hers as you need to be healthy and, if possible, happy to look after her - you know she would want that for you. I wish you all the best on this difficult journey.

 

[Sue741215]

Hello and welcome @Liiz

It is possible that your mum will forget you but that is not a certainty.

I have just answered another thread with a tale of a recent conversation I had with my wife. The moral of the tale is that the relationship may be forgotten in name but not in the essence of the love that was it's foundation.

This is the tale:-

It is possible that your OH does still have some notion of his feelings for you - whatever they were.

My wife is almost completely unaware of who I am, or what our relationship is. However, recently I was driving to the pharmacy, with my wife, to collect my wife's meds, and we had a conversation that my wife started and which went like this:-

Do you know something?

I know a lot of things, what are you thinking about?

This might change things.

Oh, what are you thinking?

Are you married?

Yes.

At that point my wife got upset and tearful so I asked what was up. Turned out she wanted to marry me!!

There was still something deep inside.

What a lovely story - thank you.

 

[Julianb]

Hi @liz
My mother now has trouble remembering my name but the heart connection is there. She just has trouble with my name. As soon as I relieve her of the need to remember my name - she relaxes and we have the same relationship. Each day I visit and in the first few seconds she has a rush of clarity and I get a good sense of where she is at by what she says.Then I direct our conversation accordingly. I play her music in headphones sometimes and she completely relaxes and gets absorbed in the music. As long as I relate to her in an active way, reassuring her she relaxes. A bit like relating to a toddler, in my understanding. I sensitively take charge. It has taken a while to get the hang of it. Sometimes she is agitated and I cannot do anything and I just help her be as comfy as possible, and wait till the storm passes. That is my 2 cents worth.

 

[Pta1937]

Hi Liz, my mum is 85 and has also just been diagnosed, this is my fear too….. so with you.

 

[Dunroamin]

Don' forget us either! as a PWD I am frightened I will not know my loved ones one day.

 

[canary]

@Rjdhunt and @Dunroamin -

as a PWD I am frightened I will not know my loved ones one day

my mum is 85 and has also just been diagnosed, this is my fear too

It doesnt always happen. My mum knew who I was right up to the end.
OK, near the end she couldnt always remember my name and sometimes she got the relationship muddled, but the connection was always there and her face lit up every time she saw me. She knew who I was and she knew she loved me.

 

[Grannie G]

My husband had periods of not knowing me but they were mainly during the middle stages when he was very confused, anxious and angry. Once he got through that he always responded positively to me and I was happy to accept that.

I never tested him by asking who I was. I was just thankful he was happy to see me and accepted physical contact.

When my mother was in the later stages and had lost almost all her language, when I visited, she said `You keep finding me` .

 

[Sarasa]

I went to see my mum yesterday who is very much in the late stages. She seemed very pleased to see me even if she isn’t sure exactly who I am. That is enough for me.

 

[Feeling unsupported]

I admit to not visiting mum very often now, as I find it so traumatising. When I went last week, she was as always now, in bed and very sleepy. I said 'hello mum and took her hand', she turned towards me and whilst there are very rarely any words now, her eyes opened wide and almost seemed to smile at me in recognition. It was very obvious that she knew that I was important to her in some way.💔

 

[Julianb]

Just to say I am surprised at how my mother can communicate she is glad to see me. There is no sadness if I don’t expect her to remember my name. My mum usually has a moment of clarity when I first arrive, and that fades after that. It is demanding on my psychic energy to be with her, quite draining. So I am careful. And anyway she seems uncomfortable after a few minutes and is happy for me to “press on”. If it works or put the headphones on her head and play some music she likes, I could stay all day. She completely relaxes and doesn’t seem to feel she has to be my mum or remember my name.