1. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    Can somebody tell me why I can't cry over my Dad's death?

    I cried buckets when I put him into a care home, I cried buckets when he was taken into hospital for the final time, I cried buckets when the consultant told me that he wasn't going to go home again, and how he's gone I've stopped crying.

    People are phoning, coming to see me, I'm dealing with lots of questions about his death, and I answer them with some sort of coldness. I can sense people wondering why I'm not breaking down when I broke down constantly at the mere mention of care homes a few months ago. Even clearing his room out at the home yesterday, sortng through his things and choosing what he's going to wear for his final journey haven't raised a single tear.

    Why on earth do I feel so emotionless?

    AJay xxx
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Don`t question it Ajay, there is no `correct` way to feel or behave.

    You might be experiencing a feeling of relief now, for your father`s suffering is over. You might have so much to do, your mind is being kept occupied. You might be in shock.

    It is quite usual for people to keep going whilst they have so much to do, arrangements to make, people to see. Very often it is after the funeral when there is less to do and people drift away the finality sinks in.

    But if it doen`t happen this way for you, it doesn`t matter.

    As you say, you have done your share of crying.

    It is not important what other people might or might not think.

    Take care

    Love xx
  3. zoet

    zoet Registered User

    Hi Ajay...
    I felt exactly the same when my mum died. I also had a sense of people wondering why I hadnt broken down, and felt guilty and a bit angry too actually, because of course I was heartbroken, but I was dealing with it my own way which is always the RIGHT way. Your grief is personal to you, and dont you give a monkeys about what anyone else thinks right now.
    All I can say is in my case it happened a few weeks afterwards when my ex mother in law played a Neil Diamond song that went " Hello, again....hello". the words seemed really relevant, and brought it home to me how I wouldnt be able to just ring her up any more and say hello. God that hurt! I bawled my eyes out! And I dont even like Neil Diamond!:D But it did open the flood gates and I did feel better.
    I borrowed the cd and when I wanted to have a little remember I would play it. After that I would have what I now call "miss mum moments"...where something would remind me, a thought popped into my head, and I would suddenly think of something about her and tears would well, eg. a brass band playing silent night the first Christmas afterwards, or finding a book she would have loved, or finding a picture I had drawn for her as a child hidden in her things.
    They still happen now and again, and I like them. I welcome the opportunity they give me to remember something about her, especially as life is so hectic and i dont have much time to reflect. I havent heard the song in ages, but I think I might find it and give it a play later tonight.
    Its all about grief really....its yours and yours alone and you will do it your way. Thats basically it. Dont fret, just let it happen.....however long it takes. xx:)
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    #4 Skye, Apr 13, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2008
    Dear AJay

    Sylvia and Zoe are right, there's no right way to grieve. People talk about the 'grieving process', but there's no process, we each grieve in our own way.

    At the moment you're numb, coping with the day to day things you have to deal with, but not feeling any emotion. That's the body's defence mechanism, to allow you to cope.

    It doesn't mean the emotions aren't there, they are, and they'll resurface at some time, probably when you least expect them.

    Who knows what the trigger will be? A piece of music, a familiar scent, an article of clothing -- a pot of yoghurt or a packet of biscuits, as Mameeskye posted a couple of days ago -- and suddenly the tears will flow, and you'll be unable to stop them.

    Just let it happen, your body knows best. And never mind what anyone thinks, you know you loved your dad, and miss him, and that's all that matters.

    Love and hugs,
  5. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007


    Never doubt that you grieve. You do. Tears will come when you least expect them it may be now, it may be in a few months time.


  6. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Why !!!

    Dear Ajay,
    When I visit Peter who is in the last stage of AD and watching Peter suffer, I leave the C.H. crying.
    Get home and sobbing my heart out.

    Two weeks ago when my Mother passed away suddenly - I have not shed a tear. Feeling so angry, frustrated at not shedding a tear.
    Why did my Mother have to go without ever telling me she was proud, or a hug even being told she loved me.

    Perhaps one day I will cry for my Mother. I know
    grieving affect us all in different ways.

    I can cry for my husband but not shed a tear for my Mother and I wonder WHY!

    Wishing you all the best
  7. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    Dear AJay,

    I'll second what the others have said in their replies...everyone grieves in different ways.

    Maybe you're so busy and doing things and getting paperwork sorted and organising all the stuff that needs to be organised that you simply haven't had time to sit down and think properly.

    Maybe you've already done a lot of grieving while your dad was still alive. Two of my aunts felt that way about my gramps...they said they had cried all their tears on the long journey between his going into the nursing home and his death 14 months ago, and while they were sad at the funeral and needed comfort, they did not shed a tear.

    There is no right or wrong way in grief. Maybe the tears will come at a later stage when you least expect them, or when something suddenly triggers a memory and a realisation.
    You just do what you feel is best for yourself. Take time for yourself and remember dad how he was and cherish the happy memories of the smiles and good moments you shared.

    Take care,
  8. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    coast of texas
    I haven't lost my mother yet, but I know I will be able to rellate. I know there won't be a tear at first. It will come. You have been through a lot and for someone to judge you or make you feel inadequate for not shedding a tear is stupid. We all grieve in our own ways and to some extent I know that at that point that she closes her eyes for good I know the joy she will have of being free of this miserable existance. AD is a cruel disease and I believe in heaven it does not exist. My heart will be empty for her not being here but I will be happy that after all these years she will be free again....free to live the life she wanted before AD came into our lives.

    I think deep down we all know this and maybe some of us aren't so quick to be selfish about our loss and realize their gain. I hope I haven't offended anyone. I give all my HUGS to those of you who have a lost a loved one I will console you if you need the consoling or I will rejoice the birth of a new llife...don't get down on yourself.

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