Thank you that did help, I feel I've signed Mum over and lost her foreverif it helps, I don't think that way
I organised for dad to move into his care home - he'd moved home with mum several times during his married life, and a few times with his parents before that
this is simply the most recent move
and the care home is his latest home
do I wish he were well enough to be living still in his previous home, certainly, no question; sadly, he just isn't
I agree as someone who had had to care for someone with both illnesses although not as hands on with MIL with cancer as with dementia dad. It is the pwd not being able to make choices decisions or for some stay in their own own home and sometimes at an early stage which for me makes caring for someone so different to someone with a terminal illness but who can still live independently with medical support. That and the challenging behaviour..trying to ride a rollercoaster of how to react ...always trying your best for your loved one no matter how tired or burnt out emotionally and physically you feel...always worrying am I or have I done the right thing...is this what they need rather than want...the list goes one. The sense of disappointment and despair I felt when I had pinned all my hopes on live in care for dad to try desperately to keep him in his house and it didnt work out. I still feel some of those things a year after dad died. But...I also know I did my very best for him, was there for him at every nasty turn of this vile illness and was brave enough to make some of the most difficult decisions I will ever have to make and to understand that dementia made me make those kind decisions and would do the same again.I am just going through almost exactly the same thing is you...my husband moved on Thursday. And because it has not turned out to be instantly ‘perfect’ I am panicking. And I am being very sensibly told, by everyone on here, who has experienced this, to give it time. Nothing, nothing about this wretched disease is easy. I nursed my late husband with cancer...and yes, I was ten years younger, and it was physically harder....I think. But the mental anguish of this is so much worse.
Fully with you. I looked after my mum for many years to enable her to live in her own home. Since her mid fifties she had failing sight and for many years she has been blind. We managed before Alzheimer's took over. I was the lone carer with ever increasing visits until I moved in with her for the last few months whilst my husband began the process of converting a room downstairs at our house for her. Again Alzheimer's had another agenda and I had to wave the white flag and move mum into a care home. No matter how many folks tell me "it's for the best, you couldn't have done any more, you did more than anybody would do" and I tell myself the same I still feel terribly upset. Today when I visited she was holding my hand calling her own name, saying she was frightened and shouting "don't leave me". Tomorrow she might be asleep for time I'm there or she could be trying to make sense of where she is and the expression "so you've shoved me in a home away from my family". It's a terrible disease and sometimes I cope and other times I cry. With absolutely no quality of life and no connection with the world around her it's so cruel.Tell me please if you have had to put your loved one in a home
I don't Amy but think I should, thank you xYes, we moved my mother into a care home just over three years ago. I only wish we could have moved her sooner; she was not coping at home and was miserable, anxiety ridden, lonely, and malnourished, among other problems. Her care home has provided great care.
I'm sorry you feel so upset and lonely. If you do a search, or read back through threads here on TP, you will see you are not the only person with someone in a care home (far from it).
Do you attend a local support group, carers' cafe, or similar? You might find it helpful.
Best wishes.
XFully with you. I looked after my mum for many years to enable her to live in her own home. Since her mid fifties she had failing sight and for many years she has been blind. We managed before Alzheimer's took over. I was the lone carer with ever increasing visits until I moved in with her for the last few months whilst my husband began the process of converting a room downstairs at our house for her. Again Alzheimer's had another agenda and I had to wave the white flag and move mum into a care home. No matter how many folks tell me "it's for the best, you couldn't have done any more, you did more than anybody would do" and I tell myself the same I still feel terribly upset. Today when I visited she was holding my hand calling her own name, saying she was frightened and shouting "don't leave me". Tomorrow she might be asleep for time I'm there or she could be trying to make sense of where she is and the expression "so you've shoved me in a home away from my family". It's a terrible disease and sometimes I cope and other times I cry. With absolutely no quality of life and no connection with the world around her it's so cruel.
Xyak55,
My Mum has been in her care home for around 6 weeks. Initially the relief was palpable as I simply could not cope looking after 2 people. I have no siblings but my extended family were all supportive of my decision. She has thrived there and this has certainly made things easier for me to cope with the feelings I had that I had abandoned her and let her down.
No matter how many people told me not to feel guilty I did. I would think, they are trying to make things easier for me but if they knew my Mum and how lovely she can be and knew me and my situation they would think she is not trying hard enough but of course this was all in my head because my mind was a mess and in turmoil over it all. Had my circumstances been different I may well have kept Mum with me longer but the fact is my circumstances are what they are and yours are too. I am sure you thought long and hard about your family situation and made the decision that was best all round. So accept that you have done your best. No body can ask anymore of you, nobody is judging you and the awful feelings that drag you down are shared by many of us. Be kind to yourself.
XFully with you. I looked after my mum for many years to enable her to live in her own home. Since her mid fifties she had failing sight and for many years she has been blind. We managed before Alzheimer's took over. I was the lone carer with ever increasing visits until I moved in with her for the last few months whilst my husband began the process of converting a room downstairs at our house for her. Again Alzheimer's had another agenda and I had to wave the white flag and move mum into a care home. No matter how many folks tell me "it's for the best, you couldn't have done any more, you did more than anybody would do" and I tell myself the same I still feel terribly upset. Today when I visited she was holding my hand calling her own name, saying she was frightened and shouting "don't leave me". Tomorrow she might be asleep for time I'm there or she could be trying to make sense of where she is and the expression "so you've shoved me in a home away from my family". It's a terrible disease and sometimes I cope and other times I cry. With absolutely no quality of life and no connection with the world around her it's so cruel.