Why do I feel I'm the only one who has put their Mum in a care home?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by yak55, Feb 24, 2018.

  1. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    614
    Tell me please if you have had to put your loved one in a home
     
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,707
    Yorkshire
    if it helps, I don't think that way

    I organised for dad to move into his care home - he'd moved home with mum several times during his married life, and a few times with his parents before that
    this is simply the most recent move
    and the care home is his latest home

    do I wish he were well enough to be living still in his previous home, certainly, no question; sadly, he just isn't
     
  3. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    614
    Thank you that did help, I feel I've signed Mum over and lost her forever
     
  4. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Yes, we moved my mother into a care home just over three years ago. I only wish we could have moved her sooner; she was not coping at home and was miserable, anxiety ridden, lonely, and malnourished, among other problems. Her care home has provided great care.

    I'm sorry you feel so upset and lonely. If you do a search, or read back through threads here on TP, you will see you are not the only person with someone in a care home (far from it).

    Do you attend a local support group, carers' cafe, or similar? You might find it helpful.

    Best wishes.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,834
    Female
    South coast
    My mum moved into a care home (I too prefer to think of it that way) for the last 3 years of her life.
    She thrived there, put on weight, made friends, liked the staff, her paranoia went and she was happy. OK, she had her bad days when nothing was right and she wanted to go home (to her childhood home where her parents were waiting for her), but on the whole she was happy. You have not lost her - you will still be there for her, you will just not have to do the difficult hands-on caring. She will still need an advocate, an interpreter and a son/daughter
     
  6. Lorna44

    Lorna44 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2016
    175
    Female
    Surrey
    We moved my mum to a nursing home nearly 2 years ago...... it was the hardest decision as a family we had to make.... but we had no choice but to keep her safe, because she wasn't safe or happy any more in her own home. As I have seen commented many times on TP, you didn't 'put' your mum in a home, dementia did. It does get better, big hugs and give that guilt monster a whack!
     
  7. Swoozy

    Swoozy Registered User

    Nov 6, 2016
    66
    Mom went into respite Tuesday with a view to stay if she “fits” within the home.

    I feel dreadful.

    Home is Moms anger and aggression trigger, she was happier at the day centres or any where away from home and it saddens me to say I couldn’t make her happy.

    I’m managing (or not) one day at a time hoping I’ve done the right thing.

    I promise I’m with you x x
     
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,834
    Female
    South coast
    ((((hugs))))) to @yak55 and @Swoozy
    It takes time for everyone - resident and carer - to adjust, but it will improve
     
  9. Swoozy

    Swoozy Registered User

    Nov 6, 2016
    66
    Thank you xx
     
  10. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    I am just going through almost exactly the same thing is you...my husband moved on Thursday. And because it has not turned out to be instantly ‘perfect’ I am panicking. And I am being very sensibly told, by everyone on here, who has experienced this, to give it time. Nothing, nothing about this wretched disease is easy. I nursed my late husband with cancer...and yes, I was ten years younger, and it was physically harder....I think. But the mental anguish of this is so much worse.
     
  11. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Registered User

    Nov 18, 2016
    699
    My Mum has been in care 14 months and I still cant get used to it. I thought Mum would carry on forever in her own home but then she had loads of falls and developed Alzheimers.

    She had a rotten time in her first “care” home then a few months in hospital and she is now in a lovely, caring place and is gaining weight and looking lovely again. I am satisfied that there is nowhere better for Mum so theres not much more I can do. Take care xx
     
  12. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,378
    Kent
    I agree as someone who had had to care for someone with both illnesses although not as hands on with MIL with cancer as with dementia dad. It is the pwd not being able to make choices decisions or for some stay in their own own home and sometimes at an early stage which for me makes caring for someone so different to someone with a terminal illness but who can still live independently with medical support. That and the challenging behaviour..trying to ride a rollercoaster of how to react ...always trying your best for your loved one no matter how tired or burnt out emotionally and physically you feel...always worrying am I or have I done the right thing...is this what they need rather than want...the list goes one. The sense of disappointment and despair I felt when I had pinned all my hopes on live in care for dad to try desperately to keep him in his house and it didnt work out. I still feel some of those things a year after dad died. But...I also know I did my very best for him, was there for him at every nasty turn of this vile illness and was brave enough to make some of the most difficult decisions I will ever have to make and to understand that dementia made me make those kind decisions and would do the same again.
    So be kind to yourselves...we can only go with the flow of this illness and try our best for our loved one as and when the challenges appear
     
  13. Grable

    Grable Registered User

    May 19, 2015
    165
    Mum wasn't coping in her own home, even with a care package in place. She would wander; she forgot how to answer the phone, so when I couldn't phone her I had to call her neighbour, who would go and check on her for me; she forgot to go to bed; she couldn't remember how to shower, although she managed to wash OK(with a bit of help from the carers). Neither I nor my brother were in a position where she could live with us, so the choice was live-in carer or a care home.
    I didn't like the idea of the live-in carer: trusting her health and safety to one person seemed far too risky. What alternative was there, then?
    We took a long time to find the best home for her and she lived her last 9 months there. The people looking after her were lovely and one of the carers was with her, holding her hand, when she passed away.
    Do I wish I could have been that person? Yes! Do I wish I could have looked after her at home? Yes! Do I feel guilty, feeling that I let her down? Absolutely! Was it the best thing to do in a bad situation? Probably.
    You are not on your own!!!
     
  14. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    684
    London
    yak55,

    My Mum has been in her care home for around 6 weeks. Initially the relief was palpable as I simply could not cope looking after 2 people. I have no siblings but my extended family were all supportive of my decision. She has thrived there and this has certainly made things easier for me to cope with the feelings I had that I had abandoned her and let her down.

    No matter how many people told me not to feel guilty I did. I would think, they are trying to make things easier for me but if they knew my Mum and how lovely she can be and knew me and my situation they would think she is not trying hard enough but of course this was all in my head because my mind was a mess and in turmoil over it all. Had my circumstances been different I may well have kept Mum with me longer but the fact is my circumstances are what they are and yours are too. I am sure you thought long and hard about your family situation and made the decision that was best all round. So accept that you have done your best. No body can ask anymore of you, nobody is judging you and the awful feelings that drag you down are shared by many of us. Be kind to yourself.
     
  15. YorkshireLass

    YorkshireLass Registered User

    Feb 15, 2017
    198
    Female
    Ilkley
    Fully with you. I looked after my mum for many years to enable her to live in her own home. Since her mid fifties she had failing sight and for many years she has been blind. We managed before Alzheimer's took over. I was the lone carer with ever increasing visits until I moved in with her for the last few months whilst my husband began the process of converting a room downstairs at our house for her. Again Alzheimer's had another agenda and I had to wave the white flag and move mum into a care home. No matter how many folks tell me "it's for the best, you couldn't have done any more, you did more than anybody would do" and I tell myself the same I still feel terribly upset. Today when I visited she was holding my hand calling her own name, saying she was frightened and shouting "don't leave me". Tomorrow she might be asleep for time I'm there or she could be trying to make sense of where she is and the expression "so you've shoved me in a home away from my family". It's a terrible disease and sometimes I cope and other times I cry. With absolutely no quality of life and no connection with the world around her it's so cruel.
     
  16. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    614
    I don't Amy but think I should, thank you x
     
  17. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    614
    X
     
  18. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    614
    X
     
  19. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    614
    X
     
  20. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    614
    X
     

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