Why did Dad smash his bedroom up?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by SallyB, Apr 30, 2006.

  1. SallyB

    SallyB Registered User

    May 7, 2005
    Hi Everyone,

    Didn't post yesterday as was up to my neck in it! I was on the phone from 0900-1800!

    Dad is still on the elderly care ward. The communication is non-existant! I contacted Dad's CPN first thing and told her what had happened. She then contacted the ward to ensure they had all the details of his Consultant etc. She then spoke to him. At 1600 I got a call from my sister who was at the hospital to say the Doctor wanted to speak to me. When I called she asked me who Dad's consultant was and said they needed to make a referal to him. I pointed out that they had had this info since 0930 but she said she didn't know!!!

    When I went to visit Dad the nurse said she had written the info in the nursing notes but didn't bother to tell the Dr's as she didn't realise they didn't know!! Your life in their hands eh?!

    Dad is now waiting to be assessed by his Psychiatrist and then hopefull will be transferred to one of their wards. The CPN suggested that he could stay there until he goes into a care home.

    Dad was sedated yesterday as when my sister got there he started to get agitated. Wanting to go home to his bedroom. When I got there he wanted to know what I had done with his house! I wanted to say nothing haven't had time to sell it, obviously I didn't and just reasurred him!

    How long is it going to take for him to settle when we find a care home? Is he always going to want to come home?

  2. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Sally B
    So many people have said to me "Its ok for the person who has dementia....they haven't got a clue what's going on"...If that's true then why are dementia sufferers so agitated and anxious a lot of the time.....doesn't seem that they don't know whats going on at all!!!! I don't think I'd like to live with constant fear and anxiety all the time....do they ever settle anywhere? It just seems to me that this constant need to "go home" must be awful for them....I just wish I could look through my mum's eyes for one day ....just to share her pain if nothing else...and to make her feel safe again...
    Hope things are improving for you
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    There seem to me to be three different reasons why people spout this:

    1. it gives an excuse not to feel some of the pain of the person who has dementia. 'If they don't know what's going on, it can't be that bad for them then.....'

    2. it enables people to distance themselves and thus not engage fully in the caring role of getting close to the person with dementia ['what difference would I make?']. Can be cited as a good reason not to visit someone too.

    3. it can be a useful mantra for someone who just can't take the pain themselves of seeing a loved one in this situation. ... and we all do that at one time or another, no use pretending that anyone at all doesn't have major dips because of the situation.

    The truth is that no-one really knows for sure in general. I know Jan well enough to see the fear in her eyes, and to try to interpret new behaviours. Who is to say whether I am correct? [who else is going to care anyway, except me?]
  4. SallyB

    SallyB Registered User

    May 7, 2005
    Review by Psychiatrist today.

    Hi Everyone,

    Big day today for Dad as he is going to be reviewed by his Doctor. I am a little scared as to what she is going to say. What if she won't admit him to one of their wards for assessment? I carn't bring him home alone and how can I bring him to my house where he will be completely lost ?

    I know I shouldn't be panicking until I have seen her but I am afraid that is one of my faults always looking ahead and never waiting to see!

    Brucie, I agree with what you say about the reasons people say "people with dementia don't know" My Dad looked absolutely petrified when I saw him after he had smashed everything. Knowing him, if he has any idea what was going on he would of been scared to death at his own actions.

    Also he says things that really make me think he knows, like "I want to go home to my bedroom with my dog in her bed"

    Is it so out of the question that they really do have 'in' and 'out' moments where they go between reality and not?

    Well we will see what today brings,

  5. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Good luck today,Sally
    I'm sure you're right Brucie on all 3 counts....I try and be a little detatched on occasions....I just hate to see the hurt and fear in mum's eyes....Just want to kiss and make her better....complete role reversal!!!
  6. SallyB

    SallyB Registered User

    May 7, 2005
    Update on Dad

    Hi Nada and everyone,

    Thought I would update you all on Dad. After my last post I haven't had time to get on here.

    Dad was reviewed by his Dr and they moved him to a Psychiatric assessment ward. I have to say the most awful experience of my life and I would guess his too (I came home and threw up)

    I carried on looking at care homes, We thought we had found one however it didn't feel right. I had only been in one that did 'feel right' so I went back to see it again.

    A week last Tuesday the Doctors invited me to the ward round to discuss Dad. My sister came with me. They asked us about taking him off his Arricept as he had deteriorated so much this year. He had been taken off it on the Elderly care ward. And had been back on it for a week. My sister thought we should keep him on it as Dad had read a book with her six year old , she had thought he couldn't read. I was puzzled as to why she thought he couldn't read as he followed a daily list of what was happening whilst he was on his own. If the carers wrote it out wrong he told them! So I knew he could read.

    I made the decision to stop it as he had seemed ok off it.

    He seemed to be having more lucid conversations everyday with me. Obviously only about small things but nonetheless better than the last few months.

    He was upset by some of the other patients, anyone that has been on a Psychiatric assessment ward with know why he was upset. He kept saying"look at that poor man/lady, they are so poorly I could cry for them" and the thing is he was right they were alot worse than him.

    I fel this was a good thing as he was being stimulated , ok not in a particularly nice way but for the first time in years he was thinking abouot something other than his own aches and pains.

    Well I am going on now! We have spent last week moving Dad's own bed and furniture in to the care home I decided on. Yesterday was THE day, I had been telling him that he couldn't go home and that he had to be looked after in a cre home. We counted the days down together and when I went to collect him yesterday morning I said to him "hello Dad, it's Wednesday today can you remember where you are going today?" and ha said "yes to my new home"

    He hasn't really remembered any new information for as long as I can remember so this has been really nice in between all the horrible moments.

    We went yesterday and all the staff and other residents were lovelt Dad wasn't happy as he thoought he was going to be living on his own again. Reality check for me! How much had he understood over the last week?

    I left him for a couple of hours and went back at bedtime to settle him, Yet again we had some lovely moments where he pulled me up! I was showing him the emergency call bell and I asked him what colour it was, he looked at my other half and said"she thinks I am colour blind now as well!" absolutely brilliant! I know love him so much.

    Well I think that is probably too long and yo will all get fed up with reading it!

    I have to believe this is going to work out as I feel so guilty and so like I have failed him .

  7. suef56

    suef56 Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    Thank you

    Thank you Sally for taking the time to write such a long posting--I did not find it too long especially after all the nightmares you have been thru in the last month...but do know the feeling after I have posted a few long ones.

    Anyone can tell that you love your Dad very much. I have found both with my MIL and with my own Dad now that there are ins and outs of clarity--times when he is able to either make a totally reasonable response or can express something no one else has observed! and then the next minute you are back in the muddle!

    In going through interviews as my parents moved into their retirement community it was my Dad who noticed that people were not talking to him or looking at him (this was 18 months ago now)...one day after yet another meeting we were all three in the car driving away. Dad said 'did you see she never looked at me once' 'Yes Dad..its horrible' He said 'Have you noticed its always women' 'No Dad we hadn't noticed' then after a short silence he said 'I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ugly' ....well I could hardly keep the car on the road I was laughing so much and relieved and delighted that he could turn something horrible into a joke!! So just who wasn't normal in that??

    I only saw your thread for the first time today and was happy to see how much support and helpful notes had been posted for you. Bruce's note certainly struck a chord with me it made so much sense and was something I had thought was a protective response from people who find dementia frightening to think about so do not want to spend time either with the person or their carers/family. I had a trainee social worker come for a visit with another sw from our council while I was still caring for my MIL at home. She asked why was I doing this for my MIL and then interrupted while I was trying to explain and said 'so you choose to do it.' as if saying this meant that they did not have to do anything to help. That shut me up--and my family and friends know that that is not easy to do!!

    With your Dad being cared for in the nursing home, there will still be tough times but I hope that you will be able to keep getting some rest and fun time for yourself which will mean you will be able to comfort and support your Dad through the tough times.

    Sending you and your sister and Dad much love and hopes for those precious funny and clear moments...those become even more precious and worthy of celebrations and sharing in the land of dementia and you know the place where you will find people always interested to hear from you! XX Sue
  8. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006

    My Mum saw people in her house who weren't there and had weird conversations as if she was talking to someone on the telephone. One day, in her Nursing Home, she tried to walk out of the front door.
    When the nurses took her back to her room, they found the wheelchair, a trolley and a chair barricading the door. These items were all tied together with leads and wires that she had pulled out of sockets. The call button, the wires for the electric reclining chair and an extension lead were used.
    Mum told me that she had been locked up in her room, but she obviously did it herself. She also pulled a light bulb out of her bedside lamp and broke it, so we had to take it away.
    She is more settled now and her medication seems to be more effective. Mum has really enjoyed it when I've taken one of our dogs to see her. She has smiled and stroked it and become calm. The nurses are pleased with her progress with the dogs.
    I think strange behaviour is just part of the dementia, which can only be controlled with the correct medication.
  9. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Sally.
    I won't say don't feel it, cos you will anyway, but it does become easier to live with. It sounds as though you and your siblings have done all you could for your dad, and you are continuing to do so by finding him a safe place to live and supporting him.
    Well done. Let us know how he gets on.
    Best wishes, Amy

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