• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Who am I ? I won't know myself soon!!!

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
I know ! But to be honest i think with my dad as long as hes deemed capable of saying no I dont want to go to a home they wont make him and said care home will have a hell of a time keeping him there he will be ripping the doors off .!
I did try to go home but like i said it wasnt safe for him he was disoriented and distressed I couldn’t bring myself to keep going home at night and leaving him theres no point id be up all night and then over in a taxi when he wanders out and I haven’t heard from the ss since so i dont know what to do or whats happening after the carer leaves i think the only thing i can do is advertise privately for live in carer 2 days /night a week .sorry to jump on your thread annielou
How about contacting memory clinic & explaining your concerns to the consultant ?
Worth a try? xx
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
Doesn’t sound like it was too much of a relaxing night for you :(, kind of defeats the object but hopefully you will soon get in to a routine and will be able to relax a bit more and enjoy the time with your hubby and in your own bed :). Mum got over it within a few minutes with a cuddle a cuppa and chocolate , the magic 3 C’s . She forgot all about it while we were all stewing it over for the rest of the evening , but it’s life Jim . Hope today is panning out ok so far . Xxx
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
If it’s any comfort my two when teenagers escaped to “their pits of doom”
( bedrooms) whenever they got the chance (& their was no PWD or scene & plenty of space downstairs. )
I’m sorry that those precious moments of family were dominated by mum & her wobble.
Deep breath & new day
Xx
Yes absolutely , it was over and done with within 10 minutes . Thank you .
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
316
How about contacting memory clinic & explaining your concerns to the consultant ?
Worth a try? xx
The memory clinic is coming end of jan nurse and ot
Ill explain again whats been happening
But they do know about it as ive been in regular contact. Nothing will be done unless i walk out of my fathers house and say im not looking after him anymore not many people can do that ! Ive not got the guts and i just cant hes got no close family totally alone and has a cat
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
The memory clinic is coming end of jan nurse and ot
Ill explain again whats been happening
But they do know about it as ive been in regular contact. Nothing will be done unless i walk out of my fathers house and say im not looking after him anymore not many people can do that ! Ive not got the guts and i just cant hes got no close family totally alone and has a cat
Sometimes you sadly have to let a crisis happen before SS will act . Yes I’ve been that person, & it was hard to do at the beginning but after years of dealing with social workers& “their processes “ I hardened up a little with Aged Mothers situation.

It’s wrong that a crisis has to happen but that’s their criteria, I really do feel for you but I’m afraid while you care for your Dad SS won’t.

sending (((((((((((hugs )))))))))))))
Xxx
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,709
Yorkshire
Another hard confusing day. Mum has slipped in and out of knowing who hubby and I are. Her brain just doesn't give her a break its so cruel.
We started off as us when picked her up this morning. But shortly after she asked if my ex and 'friend' had someone else now that I was with her hubby.
When got to my house it was our Andies house but that was not us. Then hubby was him but I wasnt me, she wasnt sure who I was and she wanted to go back home.
We got her settled down and made it through lunch and to about 3 with her quite calm and us slipping between being us and friend and her hubby. We just tried to go with flow.
Then about 3 she wanted to go home before got dark as doesnt like walking in dark. Told her we'd take her in car so no rush and she agreed to stay but shortly after was asking about going home again cos our Andie might come back.
We weren't us again then. We tried to go along with it, and tried distracting her talking bout tv and couple of other things but it didn't work for about an hour, but then she did calm down for about half an hour, before starting again for another hour and half.
At times I was 'friend' also a friend called Andrea but not her daughter Andrea. She was younger than me, not married, had just got a boyfriend, still lived with her and still had the job I left 17 years ago at 30. Also I had boyfriend who had a son and had gone off with him last night but not told her so she didnt know if I'd be back. It was quite relentless and besides trying distract or go along with it we also ended up showing our wedding photos and appointment card with my maiden name and date we got married on. She also rang my house phone with mobile and I showed her it ringing with mum mob on screen. We also tried saying that even if didn't know who we were we cared about us and she was ok with us we wouldn't hurt which she agreed with so we said well lets leave it for a bit and give our brains a rest and see if they catch up and work things out later. She said no I need to know now but did quiten down after a while b
Then when she calmed down we managed some tea and she was friendly and calm again for little bit though I think she still didn't believe who we were, because she said to me whats your name i've forgotten it.
At 7 she asked to go home. Pre me staying at mums she'd usually go home around that time so we said we'd take her.
As We were leaving she asked if I was coming back here or staying with her. I asked if she wanted me to stay and she said up to me so I asked if she'd be ok if I came back home. She looked very sad but said yeah but can I still come and see you if you don't stay. So I said yes if I don't stay I'll come see you tomorrow. Then she asked if I'd got my knitting or wanted it so think she assumed I was staying.
Back at hers she went looking round to see if Andie had left a message or if her clothes were there and was back to being upset and angry that Andie had just gone off and moved in with her boyfriend and not told her.
This Went on for about half an hour. She knew Andie had a new boyfriend cos she told her last week but she should have told her going to live with him. She didnt care but just wanted to know. She'd only met him once, Andie had brought him to her house. She wanted to get in touch with Andie to ask her if living with him but didnt know where she was. She rang my mobile a few times but said I wasn't Andie or her Andrea.
She said Andie was sensible sensitive one and would be here with her but had just gone off without telling her. The time I'd been gone varied from last night, three days and ten days and I'd done it before, gone off with a boyfriend not telling her but then come back for a bit. She said she had rung my sister at my house and she didnt know where i was either which wasn't true.
We weren't us but friend and hubby and after half an hour of it I sent hubby off home to give him a rest and I stayed because she was so het up I think she'd have been ringing round all night trying to speak to me about leaving her without telling her
It carried on for bit after hubby left and she was also worried if something had happened to Andie cos not heard from her in days, but she did calm down after a while but still kept mentioning it for about an hour. And I've been the 'friend' again for the evening.
So here I am back on my folding bed in mums living room shattered but not asleep and rambling on about my day on here hoping that writing it down will stop my brain going over and over things.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,709
Yorkshire
I know ! But to be honest i think with my dad as long as hes deemed capable of saying no I dont want to go to a home they wont make him and said care home will have a hell of a time keeping him there he will be ripping the doors off .!
I did try to go home but like i said it wasnt safe for him he was disoriented and distressed I couldn’t bring myself to keep going home at night and leaving him theres no point id be up all night and then over in a taxi when he wanders out and I haven’t heard from the ss since so i dont know what to do or whats happening after the carer leaves i think the only thing i can do is advertise privately for live in carer 2 days /night a week .sorry to jump on your thread annielou
No worries x i was wondering how things with your dad. Sorry still not got the help you want sorted. You dont seem to be getting anywhere with SS or councils which must be doubly frustrating. X
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,709
Yorkshire
Doesn’t sound like it was too much of a relaxing night for you :(, kind of defeats the object but hopefully you will soon get in to a routine and will be able to relax a bit more and enjoy the time with your hubby and in your own bed :). Mum got over it within a few minutes with a cuddle a cuppa and chocolate , the magic 3 C’s . She forgot all about it while we were all stewing it over for the rest of the evening , but it’s life Jim . Hope today is panning out ok so far . Xxx
Glad your mum was ok x shame bout the rest of you though x hope last night was better x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
Morning @annielou , I’m sorry to hear about yesterday :( I think if I was you I would be trying to ring ss at first light this morning , it def sounds as if mum needs a medication review , well she needs to be seen full stop , wether thats a care plan and review or not they need to come out pronto. Such a shame you couldn’t stay home but I completely get why you didn’t , I also get that you can’t leave Mum to force a crisis, appreciate it’s probably the only way to get help but it’s the hardest thing in the world to contemplate and to carry out, it goes against all our natural instincts . I am biting the bullet and have made an appointment to go to a day centre today, I am quaking at the mere thought of getting her there , but am going to say they need volunteers and she was a home help so may appeal to her sense of caring . Hope today is a kinder one for you . X
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
879
Hi @annielou, sounds like an extremely distressing day for all concerned - your Mum, you and your Husband. It does sound as though your Mum's recollection and image of you is from sometime ago, hence she doesn't connect with the real you of today. I think I mentioned that my Mum called me once at work in a state of distress as she couldn't find the children (me and my sibling) and thought I was my Dad, she couldn't understand it was me as she couldn't correlate the deep voice with a child - it transpired that she had an infection at that time, which I know has been ruled out with your Mum. It was extremely disturbing to experience, so it must be causing you so much stress having to go through it on a daily basis, at the start it was occasional confusion of this nature now it seems to be daily. I do agree with @Woohoo it does sound like Mum's medication needs to be reviewed, and hopefully you will manage to arrange for Social Services to reassess. I think you have to take any help offered and see how it goes (as I said before your Mum won't want any change, but the help is as much for you as it is for Mum). Stay strong, all the best.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,709
Yorkshire
Hi @annielou, sounds like an extremely distressing day for all concerned - your Mum, you and your Husband. It does sound as though your Mum's recollection and image of you is from sometime ago, hence she doesn't connect with the real you of today. I think I mentioned that my Mum called me once at work in a state of distress as she couldn't find the children (me and my sibling) and thought I was my Dad, she couldn't understand it was me as she couldn't correlate the deep voice with a child - it transpired that she had an infection at that time, which I know has been ruled out with your Mum. It was extremely disturbing to experience, so it must be causing you so much stress having to go through it on a daily basis, at the start it was occasional confusion of this nature now it seems to be daily. I do agree with @Woohoo it does sound like Mum's medication needs to be reviewed, and hopefully you will manage to arrange for Social Services to reassess. I think you have to take any help offered and see how it goes (as I said before your Mum won't want any change, but the help is as much for you as it is for Mum). Stay strong, all the best.
Thanks x Will try and hope something helps. X
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
Thanks @Woohoo x good luck for today, your idea about volunteers sounds like a good one for your mum. Hope it works. X let us know X
Thanks, good luck and as @Pete1 says the help is just as much for you , you need it . I have realised I can’t wait for mum to agree or want these things as she won’t ! Plus I knew how dependent she was on dad and should of done this with her sooner as she is now dependent on me . Hey it’s a learning curve but I should of listened to the advice I had read and got on with it earlier . Take care . X
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,835
Hi @annielou , sorry yesterday was rubbish. I think you should copy all your posts into a word document put them in chronological order and email to SS, GP etc. They need to know what is happening and that you cannot continue like this for much longer. While they think you can cope nothing much will happen.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,709
Yorkshire
Hi @annielou , sorry yesterday was rubbish. I think you should copy all your posts into a word document put them in chronological order and email to SS, GP etc. They need to know what is happening and that you cannot continue like this for much longer. While they think you can cope nothing much will happen.
Thanks x my sister and I said recently I should have kept a diary of how mum is each day and I wish I had as nowadays I struggle to keep track of things and what happened when.
I'm dreading SW visit as when someone rang to ask for some details to put on form for reassessment I couldn't think properly what had happened and what struggles she had.
I struggle to think how long things have been happening and when worse or better too. The first time round I seemed to have a better grasp on things but now it all blurs into one mixed up mush.
I did go through my posts and texts to my sister and jot some things down before last SW visit at end of October but haven't since then. There have been so many texts to sis I doubt I could track them all but I will try reading through my posts on here and jotting some things down to remind me what to tell them. If I'm still staying at mums I'll have to jot them in a notebook by mobile phone light after shes gone to bed as she'll go mad if she sees me write things down about her. But I do need to remind myself what happened when.
Thanks for the suggestion x
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
879
Hi @annielou, when you are tired and exhausted it is quite difficult to keep a diary, but you have actually been keeping a diary of your Mum's condition right here on the forum. Looking back your first post was 28 September 2019, about three and a half months ago - at that time your Mum was still living 'independently' but getting into a pickle (losing house keys, ringing you all the time), but from what you have described in your posts the change has been quite significant in a relatively short period of time (particularly the last month or so). You seem to indicate far greater confusion and a new development of not being able to identify you and your husband most of the time now. Before you were able to leave Mum (albeit with phone calls to you) now you can't as you believe she isn't safe and you are sleeping on a camp bed in her lounge. You also say that at times Mum can't recognise it's you on the phone either. It probably makes painful reading for you to go back over your threads, but it may be a half hour well spent to contextualize where you are now and what has happened over the past few months. Stay strong, all the best.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Thanks, good luck and as @Pete1 says the help is just as much for you , you need it . I have realised I can’t wait for mum to agree or want these things as she won’t ! Plus I knew how dependent she was on dad and should of done this with her sooner as she is now dependent on me . Hey it’s a learning curve but I should of listened to the advice I had read and got on with it earlier . Take care . X
Hindsight is a wonderful gift, but the reality of living & caring for someone means that our emotional ties can prevent us from reaching out for help. The system doesn’t help either as it’s processes & box ticking make accessing help hard.
Please know you have tried everything possible & now this eventuality is the last resort.
((((((((Hugs))))))))
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,742
Thanks x my sister and I said recently I should have kept a diary of how mum is each day and I wish I had as nowadays I struggle to keep track of things and what happened when.
I'm dreading SW visit as when someone rang to ask for some details to put on form for reassessment I couldn't think properly what had happened and what struggles she had.
I struggle to think how long things have been happening and when worse or better too. The first time round I seemed to have a better grasp on things but now it all blurs into one mixed up mush.
I did go through my posts and texts to my sister and jot some things down before last SW visit at end of October but haven't since then. There have been so many texts to sis I doubt I could track them all but I will try reading through my posts on here and jotting some things down to remind me what to tell them. If I'm still staying at mums I'll have to jot them in a notebook by mobile phone light after shes gone to bed as she'll go mad if she sees me write things down about her. But I do need to remind myself what happened when.
Thanks for the suggestion x
I truly think by going through TP you can collate that information together, & ask for email addresses to send to the relevant persons. a paper trail is incredibly helpful, but to be honest you have enough info in just one of your posts to raise alarm bells.

Sending strength & (((hugs)))
Your poor Mums mind is in such turmoil it needs a rhythm & routine you can no longer give her. Oh my lovely it’s heartbreaking but maybe it’s time to let the professionals take the strain & enable you to take a breath
Xx
 

Mandy76

Registered User
Jul 25, 2019
43
Oh Annielou - what a terrible ordeal. I was speaking to you over on my other thread about my own mother not recognising me or my dad.

The situation is similar to what my mother was like. She constantly (90% of the time) thought my dad was her own dad or one of her two brothers and that I was her sister. She would not believe that we were really us. When we tried to tell her it was us, she thought we were impostors who had kidnapped the real us and were now planning to kill her. So we had to play along to prevent the imposter scenario.

She was constantly looking for us, hunting round the house, in cupboards, under tables - frantic because she couldn't find us. Looking out the window for us coming back, pacing around, searching through her address book to see who she could phone to ask where we were. It was awful - she was in a dreadful state.

We never had any kind of formal needs assessment carried out - social work visited the house once to see what the situation was, but mainly we dealt with the nurse from the memory clinic.

It was not sustainable, and neither is your situation. When we got to the point that we couldn't go on, we called the memory clinic and they sent two nurses to the house to collect her and take her to the psychiatric ward where she has been now for 4 weeks.

She won't be coming back home because we can't live the way we were living, constantly mistaken for someone else and her frantic and terrified.