When your spouse is resentful towards your caregiving duties

[Lawson58]

What is your wife suggesting as an alternative solution? That you put her in care and never visit her?

I'm clearly a dissenting voice in this thread (maybe because I'm a man), but your wife's postion on this last point strikes me as particularly unfeeling.

I am inclined to agree with you on this point. But I have to wonder if this is a misinterpretation of what she actually said. Or maybe she said it because it was one of those stupid things you say when you are really angry, that it is a reflection of how much she is hurting.

 

[Jessbow]

Now is an ideal time to mak the move into a care home where somone else becomes the 24/7 carer, and you gt your life back.
the move from hosp to care home was seamless- '' the Dr says you need to stay here for a bit and its so much nicer than hospital''. I hated doing it, but it had to bedone, and her life was so much better for it.
Please listen to your wife, she clearly feels neglected, and wishes it all over, to reclaim YOUR life, she is equally as important.

 

[try again]

Actually now my mum is in a care home I've suggested to oh that it's time for us to do what we want. Oh has a low grade cancer and we have talked of moving for about 5 years but didn't partly due to me helping mum
Her dementia is such, I don't think she really remembers how often I go, she is looked after well and I guess the visits are me proving I'm a good daughter .
We all keep saying it, dementia takes more then one life.
At this stage in our lives, anyone of us could outlive the other so I think we owe it to ourselves to live what remaining good life we have to the full.
Am I selfish? Maybe. But as I said, who gets the most benefit from those visits? We have made sure she is being looked after well

 

[Lawson58]

Actually now my mum is in a care home I've suggested to oh that it's time for us to do what we want. Oh has a low grade cancer and we have talked of moving for about 5 years but didn't partly due to me helping mum
Her dementia is such, I don't think she really remembers how often I go, she is looked after well and I guess the visits are me proving I'm a good daughter .
We all keep saying it, dementia takes more then one life.
At this stage in our lives, anyone of us could outlive the other so I think we owe it to ourselves to live what remaining good life we have to the full.
Am I selfish? Maybe. But as I said, who gets the most benefit from those visits? We have made sure she is being looked after well

No you’re not selfish, just sensible and realistic about the future.

A few years ago, friends wanted desperately to travel following their retirement but kept on putting it off because Mum was in her early nineties and they felt that she might pass away while they were away.

They finally decided that if mum did suddenly become very sick, that just how it would be and planned their trip. They had a wonderful time and as things turned out, mum lived another three years so they were happy they went when they did.

Time for you to enjoy yourselves.