When your spouse is resentful towards your caregiving duties

[spirituscorpus]

Mum is 95 and I am her only surviving child. She lives alone in her own house.

I spend around 5 hrs a day with her and quit my job to do so (with my wife's total support).

To help with the hole in our finances Mum happily agreed to help with some of our bills and for a few years we found some kind of happy equilibrium in the situation.

Over the last seven weeks Mum has fallen 4 times, all bed related and all connected with falling out of bed. Her daytime mobility around the house isn't great but at 95 she's managing.

A couple of times I have checked her CCTV and saw her on the floor so had to dash out to her house with all the inevitable stress and panic that comes with it.

She's also taken to sleeping in odd positions in the bed, possibly in recognition that she's fallen out previously but this is exacerbating the problem as she then become disorienated in bed when she wakes for a toilet visit and falls out of bed again.

Mum's recent fall last week sadly resulted in a fracture which has left her in hospital and caused a great deal of anguish for my mum as she just wants to get home.

I need to get a different bed for her and arrange some live in or overnight carers temporarily so we can assess her properly.
The last week has been extremely stressful as have the last few weeks.

I explained to my wife that if and when we get mum back into her house I may need to spend a little bit more time with her for a short while just to keep an eye on her. I sensed something wasn't right from my wife's reaction and that prompted an outpouring of emotion from my wife.
My wife told me that she married me, not my mother. That at 95, Mum has had a rich life whilst our lives revolve around my mum.

That our jobs, our choice of where we live all revolves around being close to Mum and fitting her in to our lives She even told me that she never liked my mum which hurt me and came close to saying that she wanted mum to die.

With this coming in the midst of the most challenging period of caring for my mother my wife's outburst has felt like I've been kicked down a mountain I was trying to climb.

I accept it can be difficult to emotionally detach yourself from caregiving and some of what my wife said, although sobering, was probably accurate.

Arranging private live in carers for a couple of months or so will be expensive (circa £ 4k) and that will begin to exhaust Mum's cash reserves. The house is in my name.

I fully accept that if Mum cannot manage after a period of being looked after in her own home then a care home would have to be the only option

 

[Jessie5]

Please listen to your wife. She is clearly supportive but had enough. There comes a time when most people with dementia need a team of carers 24/7 and if your wife is no longer onboard then you may have reached this for your Mum? I really wanted to care for my mum at home until the end, but it just got too much with young children, a job and a husband.

I have a really supportive husband but he is also really good of calling me out if things are getting too much. Your wife is completely right, your Mum has had a long life and now it is time to live yours and be there for your wife. I doubt your loving Mum would want you to put your marriage at risk because of her.

 

[Lawson58]

The caring role is such a difficult one and sadly when you are in a relationship and caring for another then it gets very complicated.

You are very aware of your mum’s age and failing health, desperate to do anything and everything for her and have been doing this for several years.

But I think that somewhere in all of this, you lost sight of the impact of all of this on your wife. I really admire you for what you are doing for your mum and I think you should be proud of your dedication to her.

However, this has come at a great cost to your wife and she has made quite a few sacrifices to enable you to do that and I suspect that she feels that you have made a choice that has brought her a lot of unhappiness. I have no doubt that when you decided to give up work, she had no idea that you would be so engrossed with caring and how much your lives would change. Caring has a way of sneaking up on you, bit by bit, taking over every part of your life, possibly to the detriment of the other important person in your life.

I am not surprised that your wife had a major meltdown, that she feels you have neglected
her when all she tried to do was to support you in caring for your mum. In the meantime, she is watching you burn yourself out meeting your mum’s needs but not hers.

You are also missing one very important point, that it is your job, not your wife’s to care for your mother but you seem to have made it hers too. And she is right too when she says she married you and not your mother.

Circumstances have evolved to breaking point, it seems. I think your wife feels that it’s coming to an either/or situation but I think there is room to compromise if you value your relationship with your wife to go there. Is there any reason why your mum can’t go into a nursing home so that you can find a place in your life for your wife again, in a real loving sense of the word?

I know it sounds brutal but I think you can not see the wood for the trees anymore. You still have a responsibility towards your wife. It is so easy to take someone for granted but that takes its toll on the relationship. Your wife needs a husband as much as, if not more that your mum needs you to be her carer.

I sincerely hope that you and your wife can find a way through all of this because you certainly both deserve it.

 

[Violet Jane]

I don't think that your wife is being unreasonable. She has accepted considerable sacrifices, not least financial, and you are now asking her to make further sacrifices. You already spend five hours a day with your mother and are monitoring her as well and so you're always on call. You now want to spend more than five hours a day with her. What is your wife expected to do whilst you're at your mother's? If someone needs that level of support then s/he needs to be in a home. If you were single then you would be free to spend all day with your mother or move in with her but you're not.

I feel strongly that younger family members shouldn't be sacrificing their lives for people who have had very long lives.

 

[AmIgullible?]

Mum is 95 and I am her only surviving child. She lives alone in her own house.

I spend around 5 hrs a day with her and quit my job to do so (with my wife's total support).

To help with the hole in our finances Mum happily agreed to help with some of our bills and for a few years we found some kind of happy equilibrium in the situation.

Over the last seven weeks Mum has fallen 4 times, all bed related and all connected with falling out of bed. Her daytime mobility around the house isn't great but at 95 she's managing.

A couple of times I have checked her CCTV and saw her on the floor so had to dash out to her house with all the inevitable stress and panic that comes with it.

She's also taken to sleeping in odd positions in the bed, possibly in recognition that she's fallen out previously but this is exacerbating the problem as she then become disorienated in bed when she wakes for a toilet visit and falls out of bed again.

Mum's recent fall last week sadly resulted in a fracture which has left her in hospital and caused a great deal of anguish for my mum as she just wants to get home.

I need to get a different bed for her and arrange some live in or overnight carers temporarily so we can assess her properly.
The last week has been extremely stressful as have the last few weeks.

I explained to my wife that if and when we get mum back into her house I may need to spend a little bit more time with her for a short while just to keep an eye on her. I sensed something wasn't right from my wife's reaction and that prompted an outpouring of emotion from my wife.
My wife told me that she married me, not my mother. That at 95, Mum has had a rich life whilst our lives revolve around my mum.

That our jobs, our choice of where we live all revolves around being close to Mum and fitting her in to our lives She even told me that she never liked my mum which hurt me and came close to saying that she wanted mum to die.

With this coming in the midst of the most challenging period of caring for my mother my wife's outburst has felt like I've been kicked down a mountain I was trying to climb.

I accept it can be difficult to emotionally detach yourself from caregiving and some of what my wife said, although sobering, was probably accurate.

Arranging private live in carers for a couple of months or so will be expensive (circa £ 4k) and that will begin to exhaust Mum's cash reserves. The house is in my name.

I fully accept that if Mum cannot manage after a period of being looked after in her own home then a care home would have to be the only option

I don’t know how old you are but I guess 60s? I’m 70, mum is 91. For the last five years, basically since I retired, our lives have completely revolved around aged parents. We have been pretty good at taking time out in the past but the Covid aftermath put us off travelling. We are brilliant with each other and very understanding but I think we both slightly resent that we are so tied. Mum is the last one alive. It would be so easy for my husband to resent mum, so I really understand where your wife is coming from. She doesn’t wish your mum dead: she wishes the situation was over - I do that nearly every day. Have you considered sitting down and planning your week so that you carve out time for each other? We do that, so we can plan to do things without each other whilst I’m visiting mum.

I think 5 hours is a bit excessive. How about cutting down so you spend equal amounts of time with both of your “girls”?

 

[try again]

A good care home is a wonderful thing for a PWD
My mum is now in an excellent Catholic based care home, currently enjoying mass while I type this in the background
She is clean, well fed and has company when she wants it and is closely monitored day and night .
I can visit and be her daughter once again, not a frazzled carer.
It will take time for my partner and I to adjust to this new freedom but my world is no longer shrinking with hers.
You and your wife deserve to be able to enjoy your time together

 

[spirituscorpus]

Thanks everyone. This feels a bit like therapy!

The five hours I spend with my mum each day is in lieu of me working.

If I was working as previously, then I would be out of the house for approx 9-10 hours. As my wife works from home she may "feel" like I am leaving her to go to my mum's but if we were both working we'd have even less time together.

But yes, I get where she's coming from with some of the things she said.
As Mum is still in hospital and desperate to get home I doubt she will be in the mood to consider a care home any time soon but I also know that finances will be squeezed as we try to rehabilitate her in her own house and beyond that there won't be any othger option.

My wife feels even if mum was in a care home it would still tie us somewhat as I would feel obliged to visit her.

 

[spirituscorpus]

I don’t know how old you are but I guess 60s? I’m 70, mum is 91. For the last five years, basically since I retired, our lives have completely revolved around aged parents. We have been pretty good at taking time out in the past but the Covid aftermath put us off travelling. We are brilliant with each other and very understanding but I think we both slightly resent that we are so tied. Mum is the last one alive. It would be so easy for my husband to resent mum, so I really understand where your wife is coming from. She doesn’t wish your mum dead: she wishes the situation was over - I do that nearly every day. Have you considered sitting down and planning your week so that you carve out time for each other? We do that, so we can plan to do things without each other whilst I’m visiting mum.

I think 5 hours is a bit excessive. How about cutting down so you spend equal amounts of time with both of your “girls”?

We're in our early 50's

 

[canary]

We're in our early 50's

Gosh thats incredibly young to have given up work
Im not surprised that your wife is fed up - I expect it isnt just the 5 hrs that you are spending with your mum; you are constantly monitoring her and dashing out when she falls out of bed. You are on call 24/7 and your mum is probably constantly in your thoughts so that you are distracted and not thinking about much else

Arranging private live in carers for a couple of months or so will be expensive (circa £ 4k) and that will begin to exhaust Mum's cash reserves.

I hate to rain on your parade, but Im guessing that as your mum is falling out of bed she needs help during the night too. Live-in carers are expected to sleep at night, so if they have to get up to attend to your mum more than twice a night, or for longer than 20 mins, you will have to also get a night carer. Once you need this it it becomes impossibly, eye-wateringly, expensive.

I know your mum doesnt want to move into a care home (none of them ever do) but I honestly think that you dont have much choice. Its time to put your wife first

 

[spirituscorpus]

Gosh thats incredibly young to have given up work
Im not surprised that your wife is fed up - I expect it isnt just the 5 hrs that you are spending with your mum; you are constantly monitoring her and dashing out when she falls out of bed. You are on call 24/7 and your mum is probably constantly in your thoughts so that you are distracted and not thinking about much else

I hate to rain on your parade, but Im guessing that as your mum is falling out of bed she needs help during the night too. Live-in carers are expected to sleep at night, so if they have to get up to attend to your mum more than twice a night, or for longer than 20 mins, you will have to also get a night carer. Once you need this it it becomes impossibly, eye-wateringly, expensive.

I know your mum doesnt want to move into a care home (none of them ever do) but I honestly think that you dont have much choice. Its time to put your wife first

You're not "raining on my parade" although that's a strange phrase to use under the circumstances.

Yes, it's actually a waking carer I am looking at and we will assess on a day by day basis

 

[Violet Jane]

Waking night carers are very expensive because they are essentially working a night shift. They are not much cheaper than live-in carers.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Please listen to your wife. Whether you agree with her or not, she's saying - very loudly and clearly - that she's had enough and she can't live like this anymore.

If your mum's house belongs to you and she'll get through her savings very quickly with 24/7 care at home, Social Services will take over her care at the point her savings drop beneath £23,500. They will assess her needs at that point but I can tell you now, they will not pay for her care at home beyond 4 daily care visits max. As she needs more than that, they'll move her to a care home.

Your mum is 95 and -sadly - isn't going to last forever. I just hope you still have a wife to come home to after.

 

[canary]

Yes, it's actually a waking carer I am looking at and we will assess on a day by day basis

A waking night carer is not a live-in carer. They will go home during the day and they will only be there during the night, so you will still be going there 5 hrs a day and be "on call" during the rest of the day.

If you get a live-in carer they will not be prepared to attend to your wife at night more than 2 occasions, or more than 20mins

If you get both a live-in carer plus a night awake carer you can double the amount it will cost your mum

I am very worried about your relationship with your wife. I am concerned that soon you will end up with nothing - no mum, no wife, no job. As someone has said on here - dementia will take one life, dont let it take two

 

[Rosettastone57]

There comes a point where the person with dementia's needs become so great that they outweigh what they or family members want to happen. You have now reached that point. Your mother needs 24/7 supervision with a whole team, ie a care home. To be blunt, you need to put your wife's interests first. As others have said, I don't think she is being unreasonable. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @spirituscorpus

I know you would like to get your mum home as soon as possible but I wonder if you and she would consider a temporary move to a suitable carehome to give your mum time to recuperate and you and your wife time to look at your options. As @try again has said a carehome can be an excellent option if you find the right one.

I wanted my dad to stay at home until the end but regular falls and a hospital stay made me realise how difficult that would be to achieve so I spent the time he was in hospital looking for somewhere suitable. In the end it was the hospital social worker who found dad a suitable placement and although dad wanted to “go home” he settled eventually and was well cared for and entertained for the rest of his days.
I could visit dad whenever I wanted but I also had more (much needed) time to spend with my family.

 

[jugglingmum]

I'm another who thinks based on your mum's history of falls, she really is at the care home stage.

A PWD will never understand their needs and will rarely agree to a care home.

At this stage you have to put your mum's needs before your wants. Before you posted this thread I thought your mum was no longer safe to live on her own from your other posts.

A waking night carer will cost a lot - has your mum got this level of funds to fund for a significant length of time, if not I don't really think this an option.

You say the house is in your name - which I presume was transferred a long time ago - so no deprivation of assets questions will arise - otherwise this might be an issue.

Does your mum have other savings to pay for a care home?

If not then you will be reliant on SS assessing her as needing care.

It is much easier to get someone moved straight from a hospital to a care home, especially if SS are involved. If you read around you will see many battles people on here have with SS to get their loved one in a care home.

You say your mum is falling out of bed but it is only a matter of time before she is falling in the day and then she won't be able to be left.

Whatever you want for your mum, it is her needs, if it is decided she isn't safe at home, she won't be allowed home (best interests override POA).

My wife feels even if mum was in a care home it would still tie us somewhat as I would feel obliged to visit her.

You won't have to spend 5 hours a day there, and in fact it would be better for your mum to settle to not go for too long anyway.

I went on holiday when my mum was in a care home but was aware I might need to get home pronto if she was hospitalised.

I am very worried about your relationship with your wife. I am concerned that soon you will end up with nothing - no mum, no wife, no job. As someone has said on here - dementia will take one life, dont let it take two

That at 95, Mum has had a rich life whilst our lives revolve around my mum.

You have choices to make, don't lose everything.

I am mid 50s, I had young children so they had to take priority, youngest left school this year 10 years after I became a carer. I had to trust others with mum's care. She was very happy in her care home.

 

[ScaredyCat]

Sorry if someone has said this and I've missed it but has your mum not had a care plan for returning home or an assessment bed in a care home where they can help make a decision about what is best for her.
Do you have LPA for health and finance.
Btw my husband and I are both in our 50s. He has his 94 year old mum in a care home on the residential floor because she became to frail to manage at home. There she can do as she wishes with mo restrictions. His 102(!) year old dad is on the nursing floor and my mum who is only 82 is on the dementia floor. Her floor has a lock as the dementia residents on that floor are quite bad. They go to other floors for activities and go out for activities when supervised.
But I am aware that the dementia sufferers who are not at risk of wandering or taking things from other rooms are allowed to live in an unlocked floor.

 

[scotlass]

I'm with your wife on this one, sounds as if your mum needs more help than one person can give, your wife has stood by you so far, it's time you put her first, none of us know how long we have left, so enjoy the time you have with your wife,,,

 

[Hermann]

My wife feels even if mum was in a care home it would still tie us somewhat as I would feel obliged to visit her.

What is your wife suggesting as an alternative solution? That you put her in care and never visit her?

I'm clearly a dissenting voice in this thread (maybe because I'm a man), but your wife's postion on this last point strikes me as particularly unfeeling.

 

[Sonya1]

If your Mum is currently in hospital, then she should have involvement from the discharge team. The norm is for someone of your Mum's vulnerability to go through "D2A" or Discharge to Assess. This can be done in a care home, at no charge, for as long as it takes for an accurate picture of your Mum's needs going forward, to a maximum of 6 weeks. Various professionals are likely to be involved with her assessment. If offered this I suggest it's a good idea because it also gives you an idea of how your local authority/social care team can support her, where, and how. If it is recommended that she not return home, then you'll have support on hand to help with finding a suitable placement. It's such a horrible situation to be in, but I do see tht your wife has perhaps been keeping her thoughts to herself for a long time and the latest turn of events is perhaps forcing much needed turning point.
It's probably muh easier for your Mum if she goes into a care home directly from hospital - because you can explain it in terms of the doctors wanting her to stay there until she is better/stronger/they can work out how to stop her falling etc etc. In other words you can 'blame' the medics.
Consider also that the time you then *choose* to spend with your Mum will be as her son rather than as her carer plus she will potentially benefit from the reassurance of 24 hour care and company and the activities and social opportunities.

Just my thoughts as someone who has had to navigate a very similar situation - I hope you don't think I'm telling you what to do!