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When will this pain go away?

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by mel, Jun 24, 2007.

  1. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Mum died 12th Feb this year

    Dad died 22 Feb 2005

    I find I'm struggling

    I have found so much comfort in TP over the last year but now I find it hard to contribute anything

    I found , when mum died, happy memories of how she used to be came flooding back......I was so happy for that but now the memories of how she was in the the last year of her life are taking over again....In my dreams she has dementia, she's unhappy,unsettled,struggling with the disease....

    In my dreams I try to make her happy, settled , but I just can't help her

    What was the last year or so of her life like?

    I locked her in
    I sold her house
    I forced her to move in with me
    I took away her freedom
    I moved her to a place where she didn't know or recognise anyone
    I failed her

    I want her back

    I want my dad back

    I so much want peace of mind
  2. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    You didn't fail her Wendy. Everything you did was done with her best interests at heart and I am sure you know that deep down.

    The pain will get easier to bear in time. It sounds as though you are having an especially tough time of it at the moment. Don't forget that there is always someone here for you.

    Don't worry about contributing. You have contributed plenty in your time on TP and I am sure you will do so again. Maybe it is time for you to take something back.

    Take care and keep in touch.
  3. cynron

    cynron Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    east sussex
    Hope for tommorow

    Wendy so sorry you are so sad. What can i say, my husband died in April this year,i am managing to stay positive so far and hope i can continue to be.
    I beleive it was for the best as he was reduced to a baby-like state and bedridden.We had been married 55 years.

    I noticed your mantra LIVE FOR TODAY HOPE FOR TOMMOROW. That is very sound advice.

    thinking of you Cynthia x x
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Wendy, love, I'm so sorry you're finding it so hard. You know that TP is always here for you. You are so highly thought of by everyone, please don't ever feel you're no longer 'one of us'.

    Have you seen your GP recently? These bad dreams could be a symptom of depression, and you coul be helped, either by counselling or medication. You shouldn't have to cope with that.

    Wendy, you know you didn't fail her. You know your mum could not have been kept safe otherwise. You were a loving, caring daughter, and everything you did for your mum was for her wellbeing. I'll never forget how you suffered when she was ill. I felt your pain.

    I hope you can find peace of mind, Wendy, you deserve it so much. And try to stay with us, for our benefit as well as your own.

    Much love and hugs,
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Wendy,

    I`m so sorry you are so low just now, it`s still early days.

    Is there any comfort you can still get from TP? You don`t have to contribute anything, you`ve contributed plenty in the past, perhaps it`s payback time and our turn to try to support you.

    When people die, and regular members post less frequently, we tend to think they no longer need TP. It`s so hard to know what to do for the best.

    Do we send PMs and ask if they are OK, or do we leave them to grieve in peace?

    When your mum died, you knew her suffering was over, the suffering you had shared with her throughout her illness. Perhaps you thought it was a merciful release.

    Now you are missing her, the memories are not fading, they are as strong as ever, and perhaps you are reliving what you both went through, trying to think if it could have been managed any differently.

    What you wrote about the last year of her life, is so negative regading your care. It may seem like that, but you know it wasn`t like that. What you were doing was all for her, to help her, to take care of her, to keep her safe.

    My husband told me today I am denying him the freedom of choice, I am denying him the freedom to go home to his `real family`, I am making him into a prisoner.
    You will know how that makes me feel. How can I behave any differently, knowing he will come to harm.

    This is the burden that`s placed on our shoulders.

    Believe me Wendy, you did everything possible for your mother. Now she has gone, you are missing her terribly. Give yourself time. be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. It has only been 4 months.

    TP is here for you whenever you need it. It won`t bring your parents back, but it might help you feel less alone.

    Love xx
  6. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya WendI locked her in
    I sold her house -because she was nolonger able to live alone
    I forced her to move in with me as above, and at what cost to your own health, and your family life. You did what you and your brother and family believed to be the right thing for your mum.
    I took away her freedom No Wend - the dementia did that, not you honey
    I moved her to a place where she didn't know or recognise anyoneMy mum stopped knowing and recognising people, and she never moved. She knew you and your husband and your children. I know how hard it was at times, but you kept her in your family, she knew that she was loved.
    I failed her B*******You did no such thing, and you know it.
    I want her back This one I cant refute - but you want her back whole, not ravaged by dementia and in pain. No maybe that is not true. Maybe you would have her back in any state just to touch her and hug her and tell her how much you love her. That I understand

    I want my dad backAs above

    I so much want peace of mindWend it is early days still - you will find it eventually.

    Thinking of you.
    Much love Helen
  7. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    Dear Wendy,
    I know just how you feel, because my Mum died suddenly and unexpecedly just over three weeks ago. Everything has been such a rush with organising the funeral and we've also just had new gas central heating put in, that i've not had time to think. I've just been doing everything as if I was on automatic pilot.
    Now there is less to do and I've got more time to think, it has just hit me that I won't be seeing Mum again any more. I know she was in a bad way and couldn't walk any more and was very frail, but she was still my Mum and she still had her sense of humour and she could still hold a conversation, even if it might be a liittle strange at times.
    I miss her, especially on Saturday when I used to visit at the weekend and it was a routine to see the other people in the Home too. I know there was nothing else I could have done to make her better and the Nursing home looked after her well, but I still feel inadequate and wish I could think of something I could have done differently.
    This morning I sat next to an old lady in Church who was in a wheelchair. She said that at first, she had thought that I was her daughter and I found that rather unsettling.
    I don't think we ever get over the loss of someone we love, but perhaps it is possible to put the memories at the back of our minds and just think about them when we are on our own.
    It would be good to be able to chat about Mum with other people, but as I'm an only child, I haven't got any brothers or sisters to share memories with.
    I hope that you can begin to think of the happy times with your family, rather than the recent times when things were difficult for you all. People do say that time heals but I'm not sure whether that is true or not.
  8. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Wendy ......

    The only thing I can offer to all the wise words already said ...... I was once told to stop fighting the pain of loss ... that it doesn't go away ...... but that we can learn to live with it .... accept it and adjust to it .... easy words for someone to say ... hard to live it out ...... and my personal perception of 'time being a great healer' ... is that it doesn't actually heal - it just helps as we move on through time and things hurt a bit less .......

    From all I know of you, you are someone who has given relentlessly to meet everyone else's needs (not just for your dad, mum and family but people here on TP as just one example) .... maybe it's time to think of yourself and your needs .. including allowing yourself as long as it takes to grieve ......... there's a time to take ....... and hope you know there are lots of friends willing to give as much as they can to support you through the 'lows' ......

    Much, much love, Karen, x
  9. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hiya Wendy honey

    I've just got back and caught up with this post..............sorry i wasn't there for you this week.

    Honey............you know that i know!!!! .............i've been to your house many times, i've seen what you done for your mum, you had your whole house extended and adapted for HER!!!!!

    I've seen you sacrifice your life and put your family on hold, gave up your job, your friends, your social life..............come - on honey...............how many would do the same??????????? i love my mum to bits, but i'm not sure i could do what you done!!!!!! You were there for your Mum right up to the end............and then gave your Mum a beautiful funeral.........a funeral anyone would be proud of.

    Your Mum and Dad would be sooooooo proud of you this past year...............look at what you've achieved!!!!!! bl**dy hell Wend............i know i couldn't have been as strong as you.............i take my hat off to you honey...........and through all this, you've been a rock to me!!!! (and i'm sure to many others!)

    Don't start going soft on me now you old tart!!!!:D ..............otherwise who will i have to look up to?;) :p

    You've nothing to feel guilty for.............you should be proud of yourself.........i'm sure proud of you chuck!!!!;)

    Love as always
    Alex xx
  10. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    Dear Wendy,
    only just got back from few days away and caught up with your post...I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad...Helen and the others have said it all...you haven't failed your mum, you haven't done anything bad. And you miss her, and your dad...only natural...I don't have any words of comfort at the moment, but wanted to let you know plenty of hugs and thoughts coming your way.
    I don't know when the pain and sense of loss will lessen...Karen said it well, and Helen too...give yourself some time, look for support from family and friends, you know you have plenty!!!
    Lots and lots of love,
    Tina xxxx
  11. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    Dear Sylvia,

    I feel much the same as Wendy and am gladdened and comforted by your words, and Hazels, and everyone else's who happens to respond to something in this section in general...many similarities in feelings while coming to terms with loss...

    I still read along and contribute when something touches and moves me in some way, either because I know what it feels like to be in the situation, because it was similar to what I have experienced, or because something happened in my family which might be worth sharing so others can benefit...but I too find it hard sometimes...

    I'm glad TP is still here and I can be here too now and again, and I get comfort from reading other people's messages in different threads.

    Thank you to everyone for that.

    Tina xx
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Tina,

    When the death is announced of a dearly loved parent, grandparent, partner, or in your case, Aunt, TP is here for as long as it`s needed.

    This Section, `After dementia- dealing with loss` is as important as any on the Board, and there is always someone here who cares.

    Visit as often as you need, Tina, either to read, to post, or to be supported. We know what you have been through.

    With love xx
  13. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Hi Wendy

    I really feel for you - although Mum is still with us (to a point), I miss her as she used to be - and I miss my Dad. I miss them popping round for a coffee, and I miss popping round to their house in my lunch break for a cuppa. I miss going round for sunday lunch and I miss having them over for a bbq. I miss the big family get togethers we used to have, and I miss going out for a meal with them. I miss Dad coming round to do all the little DIY jobs that hubby hates, and I miss Mum coming round with him and doing all my ironing!

    I hate the fact that we put mum in a home, I hate the fact that she very rarely bathes, I hate the fact that she never cleans her teeth, I hate the fact that she won't mix with anyone, and I hate the fact that evertyime I go to see her, she's just lying on her bed.

    I also feel that I failed her and I feel that I failed Dad and his trust in us

    But then I think of the alternatives, and I know that we did what was right for us. That's all you can ever do - you do what you think is right and you just have to stick by it.

    I still have tears for my dad, and no doubt I will for some time to come, but life goes on and I know Dad would be mad with me if he could see how sad his death makes me.

    The dreams must be really hard to deal with Wendy, and personally, I would go to the doctors about that - over the last few years your life has been so stressful - you've probably been rushing round taking care of everyone else - now that you don't have that, your body is probably all confused - maybe it just needs a littble bit of outside help.

    I do hope things get easier for you Wendy and do take care of yourself.

  14. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Thank you xxx

    You are all my very dear frieds......its just that at times I don't like to rely on others:eek:

    It's only today that I've felt up to looking at your replies and thank all of you so much.....very wet keyboard at the moment but not through deperation but rather of happiness in knowing people really do care......

    I have been on and off anti depressants for years but maybe a different type would be better....rather than up the dose ......my god i'll be a druggie!!!!
    But I really do think that was the answer to the dreams.....to show that the depression is worsening.....

    Alex.....you're one of the few people I'd allow to get away with calling me an old tart (less of the old thanks);) ;)

    once again....thanks all.....I'll be back with an update soon

    Love Wendy xxxx
  15. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    Wendy - I do wish there was something that i could do to help. Your support for me over the last few months has been invaluable and I find that i cannot repay it in kind.

    If there is anything at all i could do, you only have to ask and I will be there.
  16. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Wendy

    Just back from hols, so not seen your post.

    Honey, its very early days for you, trust me, you will learn to live along side this in time, and the pain will get less.

    You have been one fantastic daughter, and a good friend to us here on TP.

    Sending you a massive hug, if you want a chat, you know where I am.

    Tons of love

    Cate xxxxxxx
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    you will I am sure its just early days , am wondering how are you getting on
  18. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    Hi Wendy
    Have been away so have only just read your post. I (and I'm sure so many others who have been bereaved) share your feelings of guilt, illogical as they are. I think the dreams are your mind trying to make sense of what has happened. I have regular dreams, though less frequent as time goes on, of my dad 'recovering' from his dementia, of it all being a nightmare. In those dreams, my mother, who died before him, comes back to make everything alright. So childish really, but I think the reversal of roles of becoming 'parent' to your parent who has become more needy than a child, is fundamentally very traumatic. Taking decisions that keep them safe but which actually remove more of their independence and freedom, live with us after their deaths, even though our minds know we had no alternative.

    As others have suggested, I would recommend that you try to reverse your statements:

    I locked her in - I kept her safe
    I sold her house - I managed her affairs in her best interests when she could no longer do so
    I forced her to move in with me - I gave her a home when she could no longer cope in hers
    I took away her freedom - I protected her from danger
    I moved her to a place where she didn't know or recognise anyone - I provided her with care and safety and support and company, when she needed it
    I failed her - she was not failed by you, she was loved by you.

    I want her back
    I want my dad back
    I miss them, but I treasure the years I had with them; they have made me who I am and they live on in me.

    I so much want peace of mind - I can allow myself peace of mind through accepting that what happened was not my fault. I did my very best and in that I succeeded.

    We all find different ways through our grief. I found that getting a puppy who is full of exuberance, fun and needs loads of exercise has been a real help. It is difficult to brood when you are chasing a puppy round the house to retrieve a sock he has stolen! Doing something new, particularly if it involves plenty of exercise can be a big factor in lifting your mood. I hope this doesn't sound flippant - I'm not suggesting everyone's grief would be assuaged by getting a puppy!! But I do feel that the way through the sadness is to re engage with life and re find the small joys and pleasures. Counselling and / or anti depressants can provide the starting point for this.

    TP remains a great source of comfort and support for those of us who have lost our loved ones. I have just been reading the poems which have been contributed following Norman's sharing of the one sent to him by Tony Benn. It is fitting that this community of support continues for us after we have reached the end of the agonizing journey.
    Blue sea
  19. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi All

    As ever thank you so much for your replies.

    I am feeling so much better since I posted this.....I'm back in work.....a little more reliable than I was when I first posted this.

    At last I feel as if I have turned a corner........for the first 6 months or so I felt totally bereft......all the time I felt "if only".......

    I feel as if I must warn others that at first I felt an odd feeling of relief that it was "all over" but the legacy of caring for someone with dementia can be a heavy burden to bear.

    8 months on I feel at peace with myself ......still angry at the disease that robbed mum of everything....her son and daughter....her grandkids....her life.....but I do know that she's ok now........

    Now I feel is the time to move forward.....to get my life back again and the lives of my family and I feel stronger and at last the future seems bright.

    Wendy xxxx
  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    A lovely post Wendy, I`m so pleased for you.

    You know you will still have ups and downs along the way for a good while yet, but it sounds as if the worst of your grieving is over, and you are left with sadness.

    Take care and know that TP is always here for you.

    Love xx

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