when they want to do things you know they cant.......

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Jellybean8, Mar 20, 2015.

  1. Jellybean8

    Jellybean8 Registered User

    Jan 12, 2015
    Mum is 77 and has vascular dementia which is fairly advanced. She cares for Dad (82) who is physically not very mobile and I think he is also losing memory too. Mum cannot / refuses to accept her diagnosis and tries to carry on without making any allowances for the many things she now cannot do. They refuse to accept any input from Social Services and rely heavily on friends and family to help them out. My two siblings and I are not near to them 3-4 hour drive to get to them but we visit as often as possible - usually every 3-4 weeks.
    Mum has booked a holiday in June which will mean a flight to her destination with Dad. This holiday is not really realistic as they went last year and didnt enjoy it and had to be taken to and through the airports at either end - it was all quite stressful for my sister who literally packed their cases and sort out all the logistics. Mum barely left the hotel and Dad did not go anywhere for the whole week. However they dont remember that now.
    Mum calls just about every day saying she will cancel the holiday then changing her mind and deciding they will go. I have told the Travel Agent Mum has dementia but has taken her payment in full.
    Has anyone got any words of wisdom about how to resolve this? It is like watching a car crash in slow motion!
  2. Sammyjo1

    Sammyjo1 Registered User

    Jul 8, 2014
    Sounds like a really difficult situation for you and your siblings. I'm not sure what to advise but hope you manage to sort something out.

    Just to put a spanner in the works - if your parents have travel insurance, are the insurers aware of their conditions? If not, I suspect the insurance might be invalid.
  3. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    The Sweet North
    I too feel that you could do with checking their insurance.
    Given what you say in your post, the chances of something going wrong on this holiday are high.
    I take my husband abroad but the input required from me is total, 24 hour responsibility for him.
    Neither of your parents seem capable of this.
    I would be worried too, and I sympathise with your dilemma.
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    We have done a lot of travelling in our fifty years together but now I am sticking to short trips of a few days in the UK. Delays at airports are a nightmare with someone with dementia and I have had a run of these over the last few years. Your mother frankly would not have coped with these situations. Perhaps it is time to take finance out of her hands so she cannot do these things anymore.
  5. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Take action

    Hi, I would take the passports if i could. I did that with my own mum and did not tell her. Money can be refunded at best or lost at worse. better than your parents trying to go abroad alone.

    When you love someone with dementia you sometimes need to be underhand. Its like when you raise your kids.

    Best of luck
  6. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Thankfully my parents passports have expired and neither of them would have the foggiest on how to renew them.
    MUm has AD & Dad has MCI.

    Mum constantly talks about her and dad going away on holiday.
    Their last holiday together was on a flight down our Sth Island in 2011 for a week.
    Pre Mums AD diagnosis in July 2013.

    Even that I had to arrange everything for them, flights, accommodation, spending money, shuttle to hotel, lists of emergency no's. By the second day Mum had forgotten how to charge their mobile phone, so called backwards and forwards via their hotel room phn, which cost a bit.
    They also got lost at one point trying to find their way back from the shopping centre.
    Neither of them have a sense of direction at best.

    Last year my sister & I took Mum to stay a night in a fancy hotel.
    She was so disorientated it wasn't funny. I spent in a room with Mum and had to jam a chair against a door as at one point she woke and went to wander out teh hall in her nightie. She woke asking where she was and how she got there.
    The next day she remembered absolutely nothing of our day in town, out for dinner etc.
    I can imagine how Dad would be trying to cope with it all.

    So far when Mum talks about going on holiday, I give her a "thats nice" non committal answer and change the subject.
    It really stresses me out when Mum talks to her sisters and friends that know of Mums condition, who virtually encourage Mum to book a holiday.... she wouldn't be able to without mine or my sisters help.

    As far as your Mum, losing the passports is the only thing that would prevent it.
    Does the travel agent have a governing body that you can call also.
    Here in New Zealand they have to be a member of Travel Agents Association of NZ which they have a Code Of Ethics to comply with.

    Surely the Travel Agency your mother booked through has some kind of duty of care especially if it is known they do not have Travel Insurance?
  7. SitsThere

    SitsThere Registered User

    Jan 7, 2013
    There was a period a couple of years back when mum was constantly campaigning to go on an overseas holiday with her close friend (who was also very poorly). We didn't encourage it at all but were dismayed to find that agents were perfectly willing to take their money even though a five minute chat with either would have made it plain how impossible the idea actually was. You are right, air travel with a person who has dementia is going to be an ordeal for all concerned and it sounds as if some intervention is urgently required. Isn't there some way your GP could intervene on grounds of your Dads health? You just need to ward this off for a year or two, sad to say because it will pass...
  8. Jellybean8

    Jellybean8 Registered User

    Jan 12, 2015
    travel insurance

    I doubt they have insurance and didnt realise it would be invalid if they declared mums diagnosis - thanks for suggestion.
  9. Jellybean8

    Jellybean8 Registered User

    Jan 12, 2015

    Thanks for your reply - that sounds so similar to our situation. My Mum's Support Worker actually encourages her to go on holiday and I could just scream. Mums friends know she has dementia but as she looks well and does a great job of covering up they all think she manages really well.....! These replies have been really helpful

  10. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    I can only give you my sympathy. It does sound like an impossible situation. Sept 2011 I took my OH to France (he had AD-I have no Dementia). He went missing twice (I was in the bathroom and he 'escaped') That involved the dog escaping as well on one occasion-Pete didn't put him on a lead! It was only by chance that I found him. I know there are TP members who take their spouses on Holiday abroad-but with both of your parents experiencing problems-well what a nightmare. Is there any way you can tell your Mum the Holiday has been cancelled by the company? Hotel closed down etc? Take them to the airport and have the car 'breakdown' or not start. Or even take them too late for their flight?

    I really hope they don't take this holiday-to me it seems too, too risky.

    Take care

    Lyn T X
  11. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Susan I have just been thinking about this again. You say the support worker encourages this idea of going abroad. Is this what your mother says or have you spoken to the SW? It is possible to take out a protection order for vulnerable adults and this can be done through the psychiatrist at the Memory clinic. I know that John's consultant would be horrified if he tried to go anywhere on his own much less in charge of another vulnerable adult.
  12. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I agree with you sleepless. I still take my husband abroad but we now take a carer with us. We have assistance through thei airports and onto the plane. This time I have booked somewhere which has medical staff on site and is dementia friendly.

    The insurance is more expensive and you must declare the condition otherwise it is invalid. If they have paid in full perhaps their GP would be willing to say one or other is unfit to travel on medical grounds. Preferably a medical condition other than dementia in the hope that the insurance company will refund some of the money. I had to cancel a holiday a year or so ago but it was following my husband having pneumonia. The GP had to fill in a form with the details.
  13. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    I wonder what the position of a travel agent is, who books a holiday abroad without ensuring his/her clients have proper insurance cover?
  14. Richierich

    Richierich Registered User

    Mar 6, 2013
    This probably sounds cruel but maybe you should cancel the holiday for them and explain to the travel company they can't really travel.

    If they use credit cards maybe you could advise the credit card conlan of the situation so you receive a notification if she/ they try to book another holiday.

    I hope that helps

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  15. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I think that sounds like the best solution to me. Perhaps accompanied by a little white lie to say that the doctor says they shouldn't travel or the company's gone bust or something!
  16. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    I traveled with mom on middle stage. Twice. Intercontinental flights.

    Huge insurance
    Extra careers (3 careers to 1 person, so everybody can enjoy)

    Can some relatives go on vacation with them? Can her vacation be on a respite CH?

    I understand your dad desire for vacation/respite. Maybe you can
    Lure your parents to a weekend on a nice hotel near they home.
  17. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    I don't think the travel agent would have any responsibility. If you choose to travel without insurance, then you pay the bills for whatever happens. The travel agent can strongly recommend insurance, but it's the client's decision if they want to take the risk.

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