When someone is convinced

[Chummers]

Hi there,

What to do when someone is convinced of something? I read books that say you shouldn't argue, you should divert. Diversion then later discussions of each memory tangle does work... Just wondered if there's some good advice? Point me to a discussion thread if there is one, I'm not finding this forum too searchable (and anyway you are very quick to respond, which is great!)

 

[canary]

Delusions (false, fixed ideas) and confabulations (false memories) are usual symptoms of dementia The person cant control them and cannot be persuaded that they are false. They cannot come back to reality so you have to enter their world. The best way of responding to these false ideas is Compassionate Communication. There is a thread here
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...n-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/#post-413710

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Chummers
this thread may give you some ideas
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

to be honest, with my dad it was best to make some neutral comment or noise but not to engage - just agree - say you're sorry you must have got it wrong - even say you need the loo to break the conversation - no explaining later either, just let it be; with dad any mention had him back in the previous loop

 

[Kevinl]

If in your head something is true, then it is true no matter what anyone may try to tell you to the contrary. There have been numerous experiments where a group of people are told to all agree something that is patently untrue and then they put a person in the group who's not in on the experiment and se how long it takes to either convince them they're wrong when they're not or become angry or aggressive that everyone is lying to them.
I once tried to convince my wife we were married and had been for 40 years and that I wasn't her brother, I showed her the marriage certificate, wedding invites and the photo album and she just kept insisting that I wasn't the man in the pictures and that the name on the marriage certificate was Kev her husband's name but that wasn't me I was "L" her big brother.
Now my wife's been in EMI nursing care for some years I've had plenty of chance to see how strange some of the beliefs can be, more than one woman has decided I'm her son even though we're not the same racially.
Reality is what you believe to be true, not necessarily what is true and trying to tell something to the contrary can lead to conflict and so is best avoided.
K

 

[Chummers]

Hey thanks everyone. Thanks especially Kevin, I like your soundbite on reality, I'll try and keep that one centre stage when my gut reaction is to furrow a brow and work out how I can challenge the wrongness!

 

[Lynmax]

I do the same as Shedrech, either shrug or agree neutrally and then change the subject. I cannot remember how many times I say " I don't know anything about that" in the course of a conversation!

I am able to divert by saying we can ask my sister or brother, knowing mum will then forget. They do the same, blame me for everything!

When I am in a good mood, it is easy to do but if I am a bit tired or frustrated, I can get a bit snappy and have to bite my tongue.

 

[McNabs]

My mother has these fixed delusions and they're usually to mine or my husband's detriment she's lived with us for five years now) whereby she'll accuse us of all sorts that would likely either land us in court or shunned from company.

Any outsider listening would be totally taken in as she is unshakeable in her belief that they are true.

Most of her stories are hurtful in nature, accusing us of affairs, moving her stuff deliberately to make her think she's going doolally, stealing her stuff, nearly always something nasty.

She has entertained folk by telling them that she rode on the handlebars of a bike on the wall of death, wingwalked on an old biplane, had a go on a zipwire and met most of the Royal family while she was selling stuff to raise money for their various charities, also met Boris Johnson on her travels abroad....none of which are true.

The harmless stuff is easy to deal with but the hurtful accusations and accompanying aggression are not, its human nature to want to to defend yourself when you know you've done nothing wrong and there's no training for this we have to learn as we go and it's not easy.

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @McNabs I hope you will be glad you have started to post messages.

We would need the thickest skin imaginable not to be hurt by accusing comments, especially when we are doing all we can to give the best care possible.

I`m afraid it`s too common to be a coincidence and really is part of the illness in too many people with dementia.

Please continue to post. Why not start your own Thread in the forum I care for a person with dementia

I care for a person with dementia

This forum is for people who are involved in the care of a person with dementia.

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

It might help you to interact with people who understand your experiences.