When it’s a friend

[Sunshine11!]

Mum, who had Alzheimer’s, died last December. My best friend, who lives next door, found out during that year that her husband has Alzheimer’s. I’m struggling! It’s bringing so much back for me, but I want to support her. Also, I feel that there’s nothing positive I can say about the future with him for her
. A few weeks ago, she came round in despair, just not coping. She just needed a break and a glass of wine, which we provided. Today, she wen out. When we arrived home after a long hospital visit ourselves, he was locked out and ended up in with us for three hours, cold, confused and pitiful. She was upset, he obviously was. I don’t know what to do or suggest.

 

[Kevinl]

Just pat yourself on the back for being so kind, then have a virtual glass of wine from me, that and a thank you from us all. K

 

[Grannie G]

Sadly @Sunshine11!

Your friend and neighbour will now realise her husband is not well enough to be left alone and she either gets a carer to enable her to go out with a peaceful mind or stays at home with him.

Be careful you don`t offer too much

 

[amIinthewrong?]

Mum, who had Alzheimer’s, died last December. My best friend, who lives next door, found out during that year that her husband has Alzheimer’s. I’m struggling! It’s bringing so much back for me, but I want to support her. Also, I feel that there’s nothing positive I can say about the future with him for her
. A few weeks ago, she came round in despair, just not coping. She just needed a break and a glass of wine, which we provided. Today, she wen out. When we arrived home after a long hospital visit ourselves, he was locked out and ended up in with us for three hours, cold, confused and pitiful. She was upset, he obviously was. I don’t know what to do or suggest.

I'm sorry to hear about you're mum,my condolences💐💐

I think you have been very supportive by lending her an ear and by letting her husband in you're home for three hours "that's quite a long time actually", look I know you want to help her she's you're best friend, but the thing is you have to also think about you're self and what you are comfortable with doing, you could suggest to her that maybe she needs some carers to come in and social services, might be able to provide more insight, if you're okay with telling her that.

 

[Sunshine11!]

The thing that also concerns me is that beyond us and one other family member, no one else knows. What are your thoughts on this?

 

[Grannie G]

What are your thoughts on this?

What causes you to be concerned? I think it is down to them who they tell

 

[Violet Jane]

A very sensitive situation. The truth is that she can no longer leave her husband alone when she goes out and needs to find someone to be with him when she does go out on her own but it's not easy to tell her this. Most people don't like receiving unsolicited advice and so you might need to wait until there's an 'opening' in the conversation for you to suggest that she gets in some help. Not easy though.

You could suggest trackers if it seems too much to suggest sitters / carers / day care.

You want to be a supportive friend but be careful that you don't offer more than you're happy with. It's entirely reasonable for you not to want to end up as a default carer or sitter. She does need to make appropriate arrangements and not rely on you. It won't be easy but you might need to be very clear about what you can and can't do. For example, if she goes out a lot on her own it's not reasonable for her to ask you to 'keep an eye out' for her husband. That's actually quite onerous.

 

[Sunshine11!]

I agree it’s up to them - my concern is that he’s so much worse and goes out and about alone.

 

[Sunshine11!]

In the end it’s their choice and I certainly won’t/can’t interfere. It’s just hard watching awfulness start to happen again but I can’t and won’t get involved

 

[SeaSwallow]

In the end it’s their choice and I certainly won’t/can’t interfere. It’s just hard watching awfulness start to happen again but I can’t and won’t get involved

That is a wise decision @Sunshine11! , hard to do but you are right to not to get involved for your own sake.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Sunshine11!

I agree it is their choice but I really don’t see any harm in tactfully suggesting to your friend her husband may be at risk if left alone.

That is way different from telling the community of his dementia.

Your friend knows of your experience of dementia and you would be offering an informed opinion.

Sometimes those closest to a risk are unable to have an objective view of a situation and it often takes another to point the risk out.

I was horrified when an admiral nurse suggested bringing in carers to help with my husband. I thought she was being too hard on him. It was only once the carers were in , I realised I could have gone down that road much earlier.