when is the right time for nursing care?

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by st4cy, Feb 25, 2015.

  1. st4cy

    st4cy Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    Hi Everyone,
    I'm looking for some advice really. Happy to listen to anything that can be thrown my way. My Grandad was diagnosed with early onset dementia back in June 2009 at age 52. My nan is his carer. After the initial shock of the diagnosis we have been happily plodding on with life. At Christmas he suffered a seizure, and has been in hospital/rehab since then. It has accelerated his deterioration massively. He now needs around the clock care. My nan promised him after the diagnosis that she would always look after him. She has been busy making plans for him to come home. Yesterday she had a meeting with his care providers in the hospital, they think the time has now come for him to go into nursing care.

    We are devastated, and just want to do what is best and right. My nan has always been adamant that his care would be at home, now we are in two minds.

    Any opinions experiences etc will be greatly appreciated
  2. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    No, I don't have experience, OH is still at home. But I do know that I am not going to be capable of looking after him for much longer and keep my own sanity. I also know that people who say I'll never let you go into a home have probably not experienced living with dementia
    The third point is that you leave the hard work to those who are used to it, and you are able to do the nice things, like take them out, manicure, reading together, whatever is applicable.
    I feel it's not worth a bout of Carers breakdown ( been there and I'm only 66) when there is a solution.
    Carers are all very well, but they create a whole new set of problems!
    Good luck!
  3. st4cy

    st4cy Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    I think its going to be a case of coming to terms with what we know is the best for him.
    Its so hard. I knew Alzheimers was progressive, never realised things could change this much so quickly. I just didn't see this coming! Thank you for replying. Xx
  4. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Your Nan said she would always look after him. I think she would still be looking after him if the best thing for him is a care home. Just because she won't be the 'hands on' carer doesn't mean she will not be looking after his best interests. I hope that makes some sense. I know what I'm trying to say!
  5. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    Yes Izzy, even when our relatives enter care homes, we are still looking after and caring for them, I see it as we are finally receiving help we all desperately need. You can be as hands on as you want with most care homes, my Mums home encourages relatives to visit and help as often as we like. X

  6. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    Those promises we make.....when nobody has an idea of what may happen in the future....I will never expect my daughter to make them. I want her to live her own life with her husband and children, not have all their lives ruined by trying to do the impossible.

    There are many posts on here which prove that moving into a care home can significantly improve health and quality of life for both the resident and their family. And even if it doesn't there is often no other way to keep our loved ones safe.
  7. st4cy

    st4cy Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    Now that we are actually discussing NH its all feeling a little bit more positive. Thanks everyone!
  8. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Its caring in a different place with lots of extra help. He needs you all healthy and strong. Your nan will always be his number 1. Best of luck going forward. You are doing what he needs because you love him.
  9. Wendy7713

    Wendy7713 Registered User

    Aug 18, 2014
    In my lasting power of attorney I've documented that I don't want my daughters to put their life on hold in order to look after me when my dementia takes hold. It can be such an emotional decision that it was the one thing I could do to help them in the future. Maybe sit down with your nan and disucss the good and bad. Maybe the love and support she could give your grandad in a home would be much better than if he was at home with the constant tiredness taking it's toll. Your nan is admirable for wanting to take care of your grandad but what would the price be on her own health. Talking about it may help find the very difficult answer

  10. st4cy

    st4cy Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    A little update

    I think the general opinion of everyone involved in my beautiful lovely grandads care is that he will be safer and well cared for in nursing care.
    We are all of course devastated that it has come to this. In an ideal world we would have kept him at home but unfortunately we don't live in an ideal world and we have to make the best decision we can for his needs, not what we want.
    Thank you to everyone who has commented.

    I would do exactly the same Wendy7713. This is the first time we as a family have been on this journey, but that decision makes total sense to me. Xxx
  11. Scully

    Scully Registered User

    Mar 5, 2014
    Is Mum receiving the best care?

    Mum is in a residential home. She has been diagnosed with Alzheimers for 5 years and has recently become doubly incontinent. The home says that they can care for her but I think she needs specialist nursing and dementia care. Other members of the family are reluctant to move her. Please advise.
  12. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    From experience, the home will very soon tell you if they are unable to cope. We have had to move two relatives: my FIL, from an ordinary residential home to a nursing home after his physical health deteriorated badly, and an aunt, from an ordinary residential to a specialist dementia home, after her dementia got worse and she started bothering the non-dementia residents.

    Have you a particular reason for thinking your mum would be better cared for elsewhere? Are the other residents mostly non-dementia? Does the care home have e.g. trouble coping with wandering at night - something a dementia home would accept as 'normal'?
  13. st4cy

    st4cy Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    Can anyone tell me how much say social services get in which home is chosen?
  14. jasmineflower

    jasmineflower Registered User

    Aug 27, 2012
    Hi Sta4cy
    I think it depends firstly whether your relative is self-funding - in which the decision can be yours.

    If the LA is funding then SS will usually give you a list of home for you to visit. They have to take into account things like how near it is to family and how easy it is for family to visit etc. We found our local Alzheimer's Society support worker was really helpful at "guiding" us towards the best places. My MIL is in a great place that we would never have considered without her advice.

    It's worth doing a search on TP for information on top up fees that you might be asked for - it's a whole new minefield and worth learning where you stand before you start out.

    I'm sure you will get more accurate replies from other members who know a lot more than me :)
    J x

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