My step mother has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She lives on her own in Spain, cannot use a computer and is already hard of hearing so it’s not easy on the telephone. I am going over to see her but I have no idea where to start. She has little understanding of what is to come. Do I tell her ? Do I take a book to explain it to her ?
What to tell her ...
- Thread starter Marycontrary
- Start date
Explaining anything to a PWD is usually fruitless. They won't understand and they won't remember.
Might it be an idea to bring her over to the UK if she is a UK citizen? We don't know how Brexit will play out but after next March visiting her or trying to arrange and oversee care from abroad might be more difficult. PWDs living on their own can become very vulnerable very quickly, and place themselves at considerable risk.
Might it be an idea to bring her over to the UK if she is a UK citizen? We don't know how Brexit will play out but after next March visiting her or trying to arrange and oversee care from abroad might be more difficult. PWDs living on their own can become very vulnerable very quickly, and place themselves at considerable risk.
Hi, no she is actually Irish but has no family left there but it means she won’t be able to come here. She has residency in Spain but obviously the language barrier is going to make it more difficult. You don’t think a book would help that she could refer to ?
No, quite frankly, I don't think so. Even if it helps at first, it won't for long.
The Irish have a special status in the UK so she should not have any trouble living here.
https://researchbriefings.parliament.uk/ResearchBriefing/Summary/CBP-7661
"Irish nationals have a special status in UK law which is separate to and pre-dates the rights they have as EU citizens.
In short, the Republic of Ireland is not considered to be a ‘foreign country’ for the purpose of UK laws, and Irish citizens are not considered to be ‘aliens’. Furthermore, Irish citizens are treated as if they have permanent immigration permission to remain in the UK from the date they take up ‘ordinary residence’ here.
This special status affects Irish nationals’ rights across a number of areas, including eligibility for British citizenship, eligibility to vote and stand for election, and eligibility for certain welfare benefits. It is thought that, as a result, Irish nationals have more rights than other EU/ EEA nationals resident in the UK."
You can of course research the Spanish social care system of which I have no knowledge, but the fact remains that she would be on her own, and trying to keep tabs from afar will be very difficult.
The Irish have a special status in the UK so she should not have any trouble living here.
https://researchbriefings.parliament.uk/ResearchBriefing/Summary/CBP-7661
"Irish nationals have a special status in UK law which is separate to and pre-dates the rights they have as EU citizens.
In short, the Republic of Ireland is not considered to be a ‘foreign country’ for the purpose of UK laws, and Irish citizens are not considered to be ‘aliens’. Furthermore, Irish citizens are treated as if they have permanent immigration permission to remain in the UK from the date they take up ‘ordinary residence’ here.
This special status affects Irish nationals’ rights across a number of areas, including eligibility for British citizenship, eligibility to vote and stand for election, and eligibility for certain welfare benefits. It is thought that, as a result, Irish nationals have more rights than other EU/ EEA nationals resident in the UK."
You can of course research the Spanish social care system of which I have no knowledge, but the fact remains that she would be on her own, and trying to keep tabs from afar will be very difficult.
Ah ok. I’ll have to look into that then. She’s never paid anything in tax or NI as never worked as they spent a lot of time overseas. Would be so much easier if I can get her here. Thank you
I don't think a book will be very helpful to her, she is probably in denial and cannot honestly see how referring to a book will help her to understand, she will probably forget all about it. I think you are better using your time with her to discuss her present living situation. finding out if she has any support from friends in Spain, maybe even talking about finances, if she is willing.
Thank you. Yes I’m going to talk to her about finances and she wants to go and see a home where she will be able to go when the need comes ( although she is aware she’s not at that stage yet ) It’s early stages so hoping to find out what she will want to happen. Just going to be so hard not being there to see when she will need the extra help.
And that seems like the right thing to do at this stage. Finances important, knowing if she can afford the fees at the care home you are looking at. Is there a chance that you could build some contact with one of her friends who can keep you informed on how she is doing? That is if she has a friend willing to talk to you about this. It would be a good way to keep up to date from observations from another rather than relying on information from your Aunt. At the very least it would ease some of your worry and concerns.
I agree I think also she would need to still have enough understanding/inclination to read the book after you have left and process its contents and what it means to her.
A resident at the NH where dad was ...was moved back to England from Spain as the care system could not adequately provide support. He became physically aggressive and in the area of Spain where they lived the only solution from the authorities was very basic in a mental health hospital and his treatment there was completely unacceptable. So any home that your step mum looks at will need to be able to deal with any aspect of her declining illness...she may not become challenging but dementia can be unpredictable. Does she have enough judgement to know what she may need in the future in terms of permanent dementia care if that is what you are both thinking? Has she a goid support network of friends in Spain who can help her now but also when she moves into care?
A resident at the NH where dad was ...was moved back to England from Spain as the care system could not adequately provide support. He became physically aggressive and in the area of Spain where they lived the only solution from the authorities was very basic in a mental health hospital and his treatment there was completely unacceptable. So any home that your step mum looks at will need to be able to deal with any aspect of her declining illness...she may not become challenging but dementia can be unpredictable. Does she have enough judgement to know what she may need in the future in terms of permanent dementia care if that is what you are both thinking? Has she a goid support network of friends in Spain who can help her now but also when she moves into care?
Yes it was a friend who let me know as my step mother hadn’t. This friend I’m sure will keep me updated as long as the friendship lasts. She is showing signs of distrust and seems a little paranoid already which I know is to be expected but I’m sure will be testing when it comes to friendships.
I don’t think she has a clue as to what is coming and what care she will need. She has friends but it would be an awful big ask to help her once she’s in care. She owns a small house but not enough to pay for private care. I’m going to look at getting her to come here but I’m not sure she will want to. She wasn’t the easiet person before this so I’m worried as to her reaction when I try and talk to her about it all. Hence why I thought about a book , maybe me being a bit cowardly !
Sorry, your step mother, not Aunty. Another reason for not giving her a book, she may just put up a great big wall between you and her, misunderstanding your reasons for giving her the book. What you really need is first hand view of things, her house and if it looks like she is coping for the time being.
This is going to be very difficult and as we all know here on TP it takes a lot of out of a carer physically and mentally who is a spouse or daughter as in my case and not something that friends would perhaps want to take on even once in a care home especially if she is already showing typical dementia prrsentation.At least for the resident I mentioned he had his wife who was able to make the decision for him and organise everything.
Yes...seeing exactly what the situation is like will at least give you a starting point. As she is your step mum does she have other children who can help you?
I know. I can’t even begin to think about how to organise it all. One step at a time I guess !
No, she didn’t have her own children. It’s just me and my brother. He will be great at the finance side of things but not the emotional. My Dad died 5 years ago and she decided then that she wanted to stay in Spain. Wishing she hadn’t now thou.
Hi @Marycontrary ,
here in Italy both paid carers and care homes are considerably less expensive than in the UK. As far as I know, Spain is not different from Italy , where anything connected with National Health Service seldom has good standards, but (thank goodness) private care is more affordable.
here in Italy both paid carers and care homes are considerably less expensive than in the UK. As far as I know, Spain is not different from Italy , where anything connected with National Health Service seldom has good standards, but (thank goodness) private care is more affordable.
